War
The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many...
The Pentagon decided one day that there were to many Generals, so they decided to offer early retirement to three of them. They called Congress and asked them to voteon a method of determining each General's early retirementbonus. After voting Congress decided that each man would choose two points of their body to measure between and then each man would be paid $10,000 per inch. They called in the first General. He decide to havethem measure from the top of his head to the bottom of hisfeet. Upon measuring it to 6 feet, they paid him $720,000. The next General, thinking a little bit more, stretchedhis arms above his head, and asked them to measure from thetips of his fingers, to the bottom of his feet. After measuring 8 feet, they paid him $960,000. The next General, with a smug look on his face, asked them to measure from the tip of his penis to the bottom ofhis balls. Congress decided to call in a medical officer.The medical officer asked the General to drop his pants. The medical officer lifted the General's penis to make themeasurement, but instead he exclaimed, "Good God man, whereare your balls!!" With a smile the General said, "I left them in Vietnam."Sent by Sparky and Wife
During the World War II...
During the World War II, an American warship was attacked by the Japanese. A torpedo was heading towards the ship and a hit seemed inevitable. So the captain told the navigator to go down to the crew quarters and tell a joke or something - at least they would die laughing. The navigator went down and said to the crew, "What would you think if I could split the whole ship in two by hitting my dick against the table?"The crew burst laughing. So the navigator pulled his dick out and whammed it on the table. Just when the dick hit the table, a huge explosion tore the ship apart. The only survivors were the captain and the navigator. As they floated around in a lifeboat captain asked the navigator, "Well, the crew really laughed. What did you do?" The navigator told him.The captain replied, "Well, you better be careful with that dick of yours. The torpedo missed!"
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers...
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He wentthough the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higherand higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from anairplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him thenews. "So, did you jump?" the father asked. "Well, let me tell you whathappened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the doorand asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked outof the plane!" Is that when you jumped?" asked the father. "Um, not yet.Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throwthem out the door." "Did you jump then?" asked the father. "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last manleft on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. Hetold be to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." "So, did you jump?""Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. TheJump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.He said to me, `Boy, are you gonna jump or not?? I said, `No, sir.I?m too scared.? So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and tookhis penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long and as big aroundas a baseball bat! He said, `Boy, either you jump out that door, orI?m sticking this little baby up your ass.?" "So, did you jump?"asked the father. "Well, a little, at first.
Red shirt
Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew werein danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which thecaptain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vesselssending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calmas ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle wason, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boardingparties,although this time more casualties occurred.Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recountingthe day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid."The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawncame the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!"
What time is it?
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field andcivilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the controltower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from anaircraft asking, "What time is it?"The tower responded, "Who is calling?"The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is anAmerican Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force,it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it isan Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little handis on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
Why did the Navy switch to liquid soap?
Q: Why did the Navy switch to liquid soap?A: It's harder to pick up.
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment...
As a sergeant in a parachute regiment I took part in serveral night timeexcersises. Once, I was seated next to a Lieutenant fresh from Jump School. He was quiet sad looked a bit pale so I struck up a conversation."Scared, Lieutenant?", I asked.He replied, "No, just a bit apperhensive."I asked, "What's the diffrence??"He replied, "That means I'm scared with a university education."
By definition
A young Army 1st Lt. is in the bathroom (head) releaving himself at the urinal, when a young boy walks in. The boy, seeing the young Lt.'s green uniform asks him if he was in the Army. The Lt. smiles and say's, "Why yes I am...you wanna wear my hat?" The boy nods and the hat is placed on his head. As the boy admired himself in the mirror, the bathroom door slammed open and an old Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt walked in. He was decked out in his Dress Blue Uniform, with medals down his chest. The boy, seeing the uniform asked him, "Hey, are you a Marine?" The Gunnery Sgt peared down at the boy and responded, "That's right! Why? Do wanna suck me off?" The boy replied nervously, "I-I-I'm not in the Army!! I'm just wearing his hat!!"Sent by Brian
What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160?
Q. What do you call a Marine with an IQ of 160?A. Platoon
Why did congress enact the Marine Corps?
Q. Why did congress enact the Marine Corps?A. So, the sailors would have someone to dance with!
The general went to the doctor for a physical...
The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex.'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.''Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked.'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 21:13.'
During the Six Day War...
During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune. The commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli. The soldier sprints ahead of theadvancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune. The general stops the troops and waits to see what happens.Nothing happens. The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to investigate. All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be seen again. The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune, too. Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entiredivision to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune.But just then, the first soldier reappears on the distant sand dune and cups his hands to his lips. "Go back!" he shouts. "Go back! It's hopeless-- there's TWO of them!"
A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years...
A company in the Foreign Legion had spent three years in the Sahara desert never having seen a woman. They finally decide to send one private on vacation to the nearest town to spend some time with a woman and tell themall about it. After a week the private comes back all happy and relaxed. The whole company crowds around him waiting to hear of his great escapades. "And on the third day..." he began. "No! no! start with the first day," Everyone yells out in chorus. "And on the third day, " the private continues " she asked me to stop so she could go to the bathroom..."
Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant...
Shortly after being assigned to a new base, a Lieutenant and his wife were invited to the Colonel's home for an evening of bridge. The Lieutenant was partnered with the Colonel's wife and vice versa. After many hands, theLieutenant excused himself to use the toilet, but accidentally left the door ajar. When the sound of splashing echoed through the family room, his wife was greatly embarrassed and attempted to apologize, to which theColonel's wife smiled demurely, "Don't worry about it; this is the first time all evening that I've been able to tell what he has in his hand."
A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India...
A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.One man he passed sported an enormous erection."Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted."Give this man 30 dayscompassionate home leave.""Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man."Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 dayscompassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.A few months later, same guy, same problem.The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given thisman two compassionate home leaves?""Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies."Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."
Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone...
Corporal Conroy needed to use a pay phone, but didn't havechange for a dollar. He saw Private Duncan mopping the base'scorridor floors, and asked him,"Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"Private Duncan replied, "Sure."The Corporal turned red. He said, "That's no way to address asuperior officer! Now let's try it again. Private, do you havechange for a dollar?"Private Duncan replied, "No, SIR!"
It was the age when knighthood was in flower...
It was the age when knighthood was in flower.A young lady was pounding away at a piece ofiron with a sledgehammer. Another young ladysaw her and asked, "What are you doing?"The first one answered, "I'm making socks andsweater for some soldier boy!"
A young soldier was making his first parachute jump...
A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.The corporal explained the procedure "You count toten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn'topen, pull the second. That should do it. Then, afteryou land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary"Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane. He counted toten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open.He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn'topen. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet thatgoddamn truck won't be there either!"
A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier...
A recruit who wasn't really meant to be a soldier went out to the rifle range for the first time. He missed every target and most of the hills behind them. Despondent, he said to the sergeant, "I think I'll just go and shoot myself."The sergeant said, "Better take a couple of extra bullets!"
At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer...
At the Russian War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies. One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, "Will we have to fight a World War Three?" "Yes, comrades, looks like you will," answers the general. "And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?" another officer asks. "The likelihood is that it will be China." The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, "But Comrade General, we are 150 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?" "Well," replies the general, "Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time." "But sir," asks the panicky officer, "Do we have enough jews"?
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