Travel
Bathroom control
One day Pablo and Paco are riding through the desert on their horses. As they ride along, Pablo smells something horrible. He stops his horse and turns around. He says "Hey Paco, you shit your pants?" Paco says "No, Pablo,I did not shit my pants." He believes him and they keep riding. As they go on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Pablo stops his horse and turns around. He then says "Paco, Are you sure you did not shit your pants?" Pablo says "Yes Pablo, I am sure I did not shit my pants." He says "Ok." They keep going and now the smell is getting to be unbearable. Pablo is swatting the flys away. Pablo stops his horse and gets of his horse. He then says "Paco, get of your horse. Paco, pull down your pants. Paco, I thought you said you did not shit your pants?" Paco replies "I thought you meant today!"
A great way to spend eternity
A couple were being given a guided tour of Pico da Bandeira, one of the highest mountains in the Americas. Their guide pointed out where a young couple, petrified by lava, had been discovered. They had died in the act of making love."How awful !" exclaimed the wife."Si, but what a great way to spend eternity." added the husband.
Room Service
This is a telephonic exchange between a hotel guest androomservice at a hotel in Asia. It was recorded andpublished in the Far East Economic Review: Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees." Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service." RS : "Rye. Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" Guest: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs." RS: "Ow July den?" G: "What??" RS: "Ow July den - fry, boy, pooch?" G: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled, please." RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem - crease?" G: "Crisp will be fine" RS: "Hokay. An San tos?" G: "What?" RS: "San tos. July San tos?" G: "I don't think so" RS: "No? Judo one toes??" G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what'judo one toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!..Why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlishmopping we bother?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.'Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" G: "No..just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G: "I mean butter - just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G: "Sorry?" RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache,crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honeysigh, and copy....rye??"G: "Whatever you say." RS: "Tendjewberrymud" G : "You're welcome" Have a good day
The Mohel
This woman is visiting in Israel and notices that her little travel alarm needs a battery. She looks for a watch repair shop and while she doesn't read Hebrew she finally sees a shop with clocks and watches in the window. She goes in and hands the man her clock. The man says, "Madam, I don't repair clocks. I am a Mohel. I do circumcisions." She says, "Why all the clocks in the window?"And he says, "And what should I have in my window?"
How do you pick up TWA flight attendants?
Q: How do you pick up TWA flight attendants?A: With a fishing pole!
Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?
Q: Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London?A: They were REALLY pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.
A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy...
A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travelbag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed tostuff it in the overhead bin. "Do you always carry such heavy luggage?" she sighed."No more," the man said. "Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!"
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport...
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached acomfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!"Silence.Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City...
A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!" The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle."And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands."Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food."
The fucking lights
Tith the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess.The girl had had enough of this particular character. "These are the breakfast lights, sir," she answered with forced sweetness. "The fuckinglights are much dimmer, and you snored right through them."
My car
A tourist is visiting New York City when his car breaks down. He jumps out and starts fiddling under the hood. About five minutes later, he hears some thumping sounds and looks around to see someone taking stuff out of his trunk! He runs around and yells, "Hey, bud, this is my car!" "OK," the man says, "You take the front and I`ll take the back."
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe...
Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?" The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."
Helpful advice for travellers
Helpful advice for travellers:If you are going to get on a commercial flight, take a bomb with you.BECAUSE: What are the odds of TWO guys being on the SAME PLANE at the SAME TIME with a bomb?
Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor...
Steve is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor thathe's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him,"Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?"The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."
Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on...
Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on,indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, "Whoturned on the fucking lights!""Oh, no sir," the nearest flight attendant replied. "Those are the breakfast lights. You slept through the 'fucking lights.'"
From a Southwest Airlines employee....
From a Southwest Airlines employee...."Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX, to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more."
Fly out of Genoa
They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa.It's called Genitalia.Sent by maria
Playing tabla
Once a couple were on vacation. The husband was lying on the beach facing downwards on his stomach & the wife was patting him on his butt. He happened to ask her what she was doing, she said "I`m playing the Tabla" He turned around & told her "Alright now you can start playing the flute".Sent by Sowmya
A delicacy
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
I am called a Princess
The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed, rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Now put the tray up, Bitch."
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