Situations
A man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow...
A man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow$200 for six months. The loan officer asks him whatkind of collateral he has. The man says 'I've got aRolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off-- here are the keys.' Six months later the man comes into the bank, paysback the $200 loan, plus $10 interest, and regainspossession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, 'Sir, if I may ask, whywould a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrowtwo hundred dollars?' The man answers, 'I had to go to Europe for six months,and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for thatlong for ten dollars?'
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop...
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful youngwoman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tightleather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots andjacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to geton, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allowher leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus drivershe reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinkingthat this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Againshe tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover shestill couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once againreached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and fora second time attempted the step and once again, much to herchagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzippedthe offending skirt to give a little more slack and again wasunable to make the step.About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the linepicked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly onthe step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be heroscreeching at him "How dare you touch my body!! I don't evenknow who you are!" At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agreewith you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kindafigured that we was friends."
A construction worker was whistling...
A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassinga young girl as she walked by the construction site.She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking.Annoyed the worker yelled "Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!"The girl turned around and replied "It must be terrible wheneven an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?"
In the midst of a veritable downpour...
In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver sawa woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire, andcouldn't bear passing her by. He completed the job for her,and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, "There, littlelady, that's done!" "Quiet," she ordered him. "You'll wakeup my husband. He's taking a nap in the back seat."
The barber was finishing a haircut...
The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one dayand started to apply some 'Aftershave Lotion' around hisears when the customer yelled, "Don't put that crap on me!My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse!"Another customer who was waiting replied, "Hey John, youcan put the 'Aftershave Lotion' on me... My wife has neverbeen in a French Whorehouse!" Then the fun began...
Mary was having an affair during the day while...
Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband,John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend,Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.She yelled at Ralph: "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump outthe window my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out thewindow and said: "I can't jump out the window! It's raininglike hell out there!" Mary cried: "If my husband catches usin here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabbedhis clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outsidehe found himself in the middle of a marathon race... so hestarted running along side the others -- only he was still inthe nude, carrying his clothes on his arm. One of the runners asked him, "Do you always run in the nude?" Ralph answered, while gasping for air: "Oh yes, It feels sofree having the air blow over your skin while you are running." The other runner then asked the nude man: "Do you always runcarrying your clothes on your arm?" Ralph answered breathlessly: "Oh yes, that way I can get dressedat the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" The runner then asked: "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" Ralph answered, "Only if it's raining."
A man walks into a jewellers shop...
A man walks into a jewellers shop, unzips his trousers and placeshis tool upon the counter. The lady serving says: "I'm sorry Sir,this is a clock shop not a cock shop." "Well, put two hands and a face on this." replies the man.
Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner...
Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner. They notice RockyMountain Oysters on the menu and wondered what that was.They ask the waiter who replies "Oh Sister, those are nuts." She answers "Do you mean like the kind you crack with a rock?""No. The kind you rock on a crack."
There were three men who were lost in the forest...
There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were thencaptured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisonersthat they could live if they pass the trial. First step of thetrial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten piecesof the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways togather fruits.The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought tenapples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shovethe fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'llbe eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he wincedout in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself thatthis should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on theninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?"The second one replied, "I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doingjust great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with allthose watermelons!"
Kind of awkward
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into theliving room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to fix somedrinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on themantel.He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says,"What's this?"She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Oh, well, er...I..."She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
A man stops by a diner at noon...
A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee. The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner. The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full. After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him, "How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?" The man says, "Two's fine." She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup. "And cream?" she asks. The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says, "You wouldn't dare!"
A bad day
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.He stays like that for half-an-hour.Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes thedrink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I wasjust joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to seea man crying.""No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, Ioverslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous,fired me.When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. Thepolice, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paidthe cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left homeand came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end tomy life, you show up and drink my poison ..."
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge...
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collarand is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie anddiscovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."
A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar...
A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night.He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self concious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance. "Would you like to dance with me?"he asked.She replied "Would I!", and he sneered and told her,"BIG NOSE!"
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk...
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are draggingtheir right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the otherknowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feetback."
Ouch
"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed."Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I triedto read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view.""And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor."Yes.""What did it say?""Don't stand up in the car!"
A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium...
A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of students onenight. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speakersystem. "Listen to the sound of my voice...", he kept repeating, "the soundof my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice..." Prettysoon, he had every single student in the audience completely mesmerized, eachone hanging on his every word.Needing to take a quick piss, he announced "I will have to leave the stagefor a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone" And thenhe repeated the words "the sound of my voice... every word is a command." Ashe turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord, landed on his butt,and yelled "SHIT!"
Santas Diversion
Santas DiversionSanta was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman wasawaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch.Santa declined, saying "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear."OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she begged. Taking a long look, Santa sighedand delivered a not too believable, "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presentsyou know."Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remainingclothing, smiled and said in the sexiest voice imaginable, "Oh, Santa, pleasereconsider? Stay with me?"With a very pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said very slowly, "Ho -ho,gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."And with that, he turned and left. Two minutes passed, and Santa reappeared, ploppinghimself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl."Santa! You decided to stay!" she exclaimed gleefully.Santa grinned and said "Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!"Sent by Neicey
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show...
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had smiled inher favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She evenmanaged to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's hostcould ask her the big question.Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband drovethem home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are! Youknow I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."Relax honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her, "It will all be OK."Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and startedheading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand torun. I should be back soon."After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wickedgrin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!" "What is it?" shecried excitedly."OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?' And theanswer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The couple went to sleep with Jane,now feeling at ease, plummeting into a deep slumber.At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her thequiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggilybefore returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time asJane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though sheknew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The cameras began runningand the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days' events, faced Janeand asked the big question."Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10seconds.""Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six seconds." "Eh, uh, theheart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled itinto me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning...""That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!"
The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was...
The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue."Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired."But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain...""Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtownand sit a while till the sarge gets back.""But, officer, I think you really should know...""And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said,"Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding.He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.""Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."
<< Prev 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Next >>