Situations
A department store had to call off its special...
A department store had to call off its special summer sale in August because of a conflict -- its Christmas sale was beginning two days later.
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves...
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not?" giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."
A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking...
A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor wereshipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconuttree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!" "What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbeddown. "We weren't making love.""Sorry," said the sailor, "From up there it looked like you were."Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled thesame thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see forhimself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husbandsays to himself, "By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're makinglove down there!"
A wild party
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinking." "Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem," says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500...
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect fortheir fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing timestanding up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house and knocks on the door.The wife answers and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him."
Seems that the traveling salesman was driving in the country...
Seems that the traveling salesman was driving in the country and his car broke down. He hiked several miles to a farm house, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay over night. "Sure," said the farmer, "my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are 21 and 23 but they're off to college, and I'm all by my self, so I have lots of room to put you up." Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back towards the highway, and the farmer called after him...."Didn't you hear what I said? I have lots of room." "I heard you," said the salesman,"but I think I'm in the wrong joke."
A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated...
A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated sideby side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendlyand all, said: "So, where y'all from?" The New York girl said, "From a place where they know betterthan to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and thenreplied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?"
The dentist was called away from the dinner table to...
The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix."See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together.""I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman," said the dentist calmly, "and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time."Mr. Tuckerman whispered, "Yes, but from an IUD?"
Over the counter
A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmartand asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might."
A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs...
A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspectit. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Veryembarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticedher little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at thatmoment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman."Good day, how may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, she asks,"Sir, how much does this rug cost?"He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit inyour pants when you hear what the price is."
A fortune teller
A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see afortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, hewent inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazedinto her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children.""That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the fatherof THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOUthink."
Card games
A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When askedwhy had she left her previous employment, she replied, "Yes,sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculousplace I ever worked. Last night they played a game calledBridge and a lot of folks were there. As I was about tobring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, "Lay down andlet's see what you've got." Another man said, "I've gotstrength but no length." Another man says to the lady,"Take your hand off my trick!""I pretty dropped dead just then, when the lady answered,"You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength forone raise." Another lady was talking about protecting herhonor. Another lady said, "Now it's time for me to play withyour husband and you can play with mine.""Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, Ihope to die if one of them didn't say, "Well, I guess we'llgo home now. This is the last rubber"
Ass-corked
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has acork in his ass. He says, "How'd you get a cork in your ass?" The other guy says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said, "I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish." And I said, "No shit."
A girl and an elephant
Girl woke up in the morning after a party and found an Elephant in bedbeside her.She said "I must have been tight last night"The Elephant said "You were the first time but second time was'nt so bad"Sent by lcg
Imagine you`re in a room with no windows and no doors...
Imagine you`re in a room with no windows and no doors,how do you get out?Stop imagining!Sent by Cally
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses...
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete theirplaying time standing up.Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser,picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle,don't make a bad situation any worse than it is."Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards."She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"Rippington says, "I'll tell him."
Communication problem
There was this Asian lady married to an American gentleman and theylived in Honolulu. The poor lady was not very proficient in English,but managed to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy pork legs. She didn'tknow how to put forward her request, and in desperation, lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. The butcher got the message and the lady went home with pork legs. The next day, she needed to get chicken breasts. Again, she didn't know how to say, and so she unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breast. The lady got what she wanted. The 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a wayto communicate this, she brought her husband to the store... What were you thinking? Helloooooooooo, her husband speaks English!!
The price is right
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for a weekend to gamble. He lostthe shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip air ticket. If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised tosend the driver money from home, offering his credit card numbers,his driver's license number and his address but to no avail. The cabbie said, "If you don't have $15, get the hell out of my cab."So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regainhis financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of thecasino to get a cab back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs,but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he couldmake the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit on a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line. "How much for a rideto the airport?" he asked. "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?!! Get the hell out of my cab!"The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result. When he got to hisold friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, "How muchfor a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied, "Fifteen bucks."The businessman said "OK" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessmangave a big smile and thumbs-up sign to each driver.
Royalty and W
At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretchedout to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignifiedhandshake from Queen Elizabeth II.They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London wherethey boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificentwhite horses.As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side andwaving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, allwas going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry anddignity.Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip themost horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence,and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did theirbest to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that wasa ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassingsituation.She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept myregrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even aQueen cannot control."George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, pleasedon't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't saidsomething I would have assumed it was one of the horses."
Great roof
A rather well proportioned young lady, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of the hotel.She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, being a naturist, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear."Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs."The hotel doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday.""What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly."No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel.""Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."
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