Situations
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911...
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911operator told Bubba that she would send someone outright away."Where do you live?" asked the operator.Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said,"How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and youpick her up there?"
Man in a pub, "If you went camping and woke up...
Man in a pub, "If you went camping and woke up in the morning with abloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone?" Other man, "Bloody hell, no!"First man, "Want to come camping?"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down...
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trailall day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tontoplaced his ear to the ground and listened. "Buffalo come," remarked Tonto. "How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger. "Face sticky."
Jones is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to...
Jones is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he hasto take a shit real bad.The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts downto use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls areoccupied, so he runs back up to his room, and indesperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, andtakes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back inthe pot and leaves.Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel thatsays, "Dear Mr. Jones, All is forgiven. Just tell us...where is it?"
I was walking down an alley last night...
I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard,"Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugswere trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but sheputting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go. I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walkingand pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decidedthat I should help. It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.
Put it to a good use
The doctor comes out of the delivery room and says to the father, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Jones, but apparently your child was born with no arms, only one leg, and teeth that project six inches out of its mouth."Mr. Jones cries, "My God! What will we do with such a deformed baby?"The doctor says, "Use it as a rake?"
This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls...
This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly, "cough drops" and snickered.Just then the cop approached the old gal and said, "What are you doing here, m'am?"The woman pulled herself up to her full height oF 4'4 and replied, "Well, I can suck em can't I?"
A city boy was visiting the country and...
A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer."It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy."Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"
A guy's on the electric chair...
A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switchwhen the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any lastrequests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic)could you please do something to scare me?"
A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant...
A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup getsto her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose abombastic fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter:"Sir! Please stop that immediately.""Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow, "which way was it headed?"
Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon...
Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon."Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip thewife's knickers off!""What's the rush?" his mate asked."The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the bloke replied.
Everybody's doing it
This bloke was ordered from the pool for pissing in the water."That's ridiculous!" he shouted at the pool manager. "Everybody does it,you know.""That may be so," came the reply, "but usually not from the diving board."
Hoffman and Puscas are bombed, watching the St. Patrick's...
Hoffman and Puscas are bombed, watching the St. Patrick's Day Parade, when one of them drops his lit cigarette into a damp mattress that's been left out on the sidewalk.The mattress starts to smoulder just as the blue-hair brigade, the Ladies' Auxiliary, is passing by. Hoffman takes a whiff, turns to Puscas, and says, "Man... ou think maybe they're marching these ladies too fast?"
A guy says to a salesgirl...
A guy says to a salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper."She says, "What color?"He says, "Just give me white. I'll color it myself."
The world's greatest hypnotist is on stage...
The world's greatest hypnotist is on stage in front of hundredsof people swinging a long chain with a watch on the end.He's saying, "You're all in my power...you're all in my power.."Fifteen hundred people are going, "Oooo..."He starts to say it again, "You're all in my...", when heaccidentally drops the watch.He says, "Shit."It took them two weeks to dig everybody out.
Cronin goes to a barber shop to get his hair cut...
Cronin goes to a barber shop to get his hair cut. The barber cuts his hair, and after he gets done, as Cronin gets up and is taking out his money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber shop. The barber finishes and comes back.As Cronin hands him a twenty-dollar bill, he says, "Listen, it's...it's none of my business, but...why would you take a piss in the corner of your barber shop?"The barber says, "Hey, my lease is up in two weeks...do I care?"The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, and comes back with Cronin's change. When he comes back, Cronin's standing there taking a shit on the floor.The barber says, "What are you doing?"Cronin says, "Well, fuck, I'm leaving now."
A hunchback is running along a street being chased by...
A hunchback is running along a street being chased by a pack of children.He stops, turns around and shouts, "Will you all get lost! I haven't got your bloody ball!"
While enjoying a drink with a mate one night...
While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out acigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand."There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the bloke begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously."No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him."Your boyfriend then?""No, don't be daft," she says, nibbling away at his ear."Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered bloke.Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."
A woman selling apples in New York...
A woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who alwayscomes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on forsome time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away.'I know why you are chasing after me... you want to know why I alwayspay a quarter but never take an apple,' the man says.The woman replies: 'No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone up'.
Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed...
Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on acondom about to give his wife some. Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says,"Whatcha doin' Daddy?" Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his dick and starts looking at thefloor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says. Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?"
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