Sex
There was a young girl called Anna...
There was a young girl called Anna,Who was rather good with a spanner.A boy gave her a knock,So she grabbed his big cock,And he now has a whole different manner!Sent by Louise
What is the Australian for foreplay?
What is the Australian for foreplay?Brace yourself, Sheila!And the Welsh?Are you awake, Gwen?
What do you call a woman who can suck golf balls through a hose?
What do you call a woman who can suck golf balls through a hose?Darling.
The right rhythm
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie wentstraight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmotherand comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years oldhaving sex would surely be asking for trouble."Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advancedage, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells wouldstart to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire...
The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing herfull lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her,his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his softmurmurs of assurance.He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothlyreleased her from her constraining attire. With a sigh ofsurrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldlytaking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his ability to satisfy her every need.Her senses swam. She was overcome with an aching desire that hadgone unfulfilled for so long. And, just as it seemed that ecstasywas within her grasp, he paused, and for one heart-stopping moment,she thought, "It's too big! - it will never fit!"Then, with a sudden rush, it slid into place as if it had been madeonly for her. As pleasure and contentment washed over her, she methis steady gaze, tears of gratitude shining in her eyes.And he knew it wouldn't be long before she returned.Oh, yes, this woman would want more. She would want to do it againand again and again............DON'T YOU JUST LOVE SHOPPING FOR SHOES?
What do you call someone who fucks kids in the ass?
What do you call someone who fucks kids in the ass?A backdoor pedofile!
A husband and wife were out playing golf...
A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?""It's over here in the pussy willows."The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"
Mysterious picture
After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry."Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously."No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him."Your boyfriend then?" he asked."No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear."Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.Calmly, she answered, "That's me before the surgery."
Appropriate punishment
Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees herson coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood,and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks alittle further and kicks a cow. Once inside, hismother says, "I saw what you did, young man! Forkicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, andfor kicking the cow, no milk for a week."Just at that moment, the boy's father walks throughthe door and boots the cat halfway across the room.The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wannatell him, or should I ?"
It just kills my appetite
A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It'sreally taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home- made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry? That would only take a couple of minutes." He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." "Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm starving!"
Bra sizes
Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F and Gare the letters used to define bra sizes?If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out whatthe letters stood for... It is about time you became informed!{A} - Almost Boobs...{B} - Barely there.{C} - Can't Complain!{D} - Damn!{DD} - Double damn!{E} - Enormous!{G} - GEEEEzus Christ!{F} - Fake.
Course of action
One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the watercooler at the office. "Veronica, I just don't know what to do," Gloria said to her friend at work. "That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?""Oh, my God!" her friend exclaimed. "He'll wine you, dine you, and thenuse any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off yourdress and you'll have fantastic s*x!""What should I do?" asked Gloria.Her friend quickly replied, "Wear an old dress."
What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of...
What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot ofheat and excitement?Firetruck
What am I?
You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. Iget wet before you do. What am I?A Tent
Social Security Sex
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
Elderly romance
There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home. The old man says to the woman, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget."The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The man says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?" The woman replies, "No, I want four times in the rocker."
A doctor's advice to young bride regarding the use of the diaphragm
A doctor's advice to young bride regarding the use of the diaphragm: "Use it on every conceivable occasion."
Definition of bad lover
Definition of bad lover:An earthquake occurs during sex. Afterwards he asks the woman if she felt the earth move. She says no.
What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?
What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!
Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays...
Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays:- What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?- Hundred dollars, as usual.
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