Sex
What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her skirt?
What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her skirt?Self-employed
Mommy, mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?
Mommy, mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?Shut up and help me get grandma off the doorknob!
Necking
Cop coming upon a young couple making out....Cop: What the hell are you two doing?Boy: We're necking.Cop: Well stick your neck back in your pants and get out of here.
Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together...
Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years. I wonder how the girls are doing?"
Do you smoke after sex?
Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex?Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never looked
Ghost sex
At a conference on the supernatural, one of the speakers asked, "Who here has ever seen a ghost?" Most of the hands go up. "And how many of you have had some form of interaction with a ghost?" About half the hands stay up."OK, now how many of you have had physical contact with a ghost?" Three hands stay up; there's a slight murmur in the crowd. "Gosh, that's pretty good. OK, have any of you ever, uh, been intimate with a ghost?" One hand stays up. The speaker blinks. "Gosh, sir, are you telling us that you've actually had sexual contact with a ghost?" The guy with his hand up suddenly blushes and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said "goat'."
Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda...
Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times.One says to the other, "Darling, do you remember the minuet?"The other replies, "Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!"
A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him...
A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side." Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."
A 70-year-old man has never been married...
A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?""Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--"His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?""Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."
An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18...
An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."
Flavoured condoms
I recently tried some of these new 'flavoured' condoms. I bought one of each flavour they had, and tried each one in turn every time i got a shag. My girlfriend likes to lick each one before i insert it in her, just to see what flavour i was wearing.The first night she said "Mmmmm, Cherry flavour",The second night she said "Mmmmm, Mint flavour",The third night she said "Mmmmm, Strawberry flavour",and so on, until we had reached the final flavour,and she said "Mmmmm, Cheese flavour""Cheese flavour ??" i said "I haven't put one on yet!"
What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Q: What is the difference between erotic and kinky?A: Erotic is using a feather... kinky is using the whole chicken.
The limousine was taking the beautiful raven-haired model...
The limousine was taking the beautiful raven-haired model to the airport.Halfway there, the front tire went flat. The model said, "Driver, I don't have time to wait for road service. Can you change it yourself?" The driver said, "Sure." He got out of the car and proceeded to change the tire, but couldn't get the wheel cover off. The model saw him struggling and asked, "Do you want a screwdriver?" He said "Sure! But, first I have to change this tire."
Together again
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then herhusband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by hernext husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they'refinally together."A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"The priest says, "I mean her legs."
A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy...
A Scottish private walks into the pharmacy near his bases, pulls abeat-up, mutilated condom out of his pocket, and asks the pharmacist howmuch it would cost to repair the condom. The pharmacist replied that including replacing the band and spotwelding the holes, it would cost 26 pence, but that for 29 pence, hecould sell the private a new one. The private said, "Aye, that is a weighty decision, I shall be back intwo hours with an answer." Two hours later, The Scotsman returns and says:"The regiment has voted to replace."
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson...
A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK,, just grip it like you do your husband's member".After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racquet out of your mouth."
Twice a day
This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!""Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. "Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back."That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man."Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, butthats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man. "Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor."You've got to learn to take yourself in hand." "I do", says the man. "Twice a day."
Every precaution
I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to Priscilla. "But I thought you said your hubby had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded. "He did. That's why I have to take every precaution."
A guy's fingering his girlfriend...
A guy's fingering his girlfriend.She says, "Would you take off your ring? It's hurting me."He says, "That's not my ring...It's my wristwatch."
Lightbulbs for dinner
Little Freddie said to Little Johnny, "My dad's tougher than your dad!""Oh yeah?" said Little Johnny, "My dad is so tough, he has lightbulbs fordinner!""Really?"Yeah, the other night I heard him tell my mom, 'Turn out the light, I wanna eat it!'"
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