Sex
Back in the good ole days in Texas...
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like werepopular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady. The city slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!"
What's the definition of the perfect woman?
Ok, I'm going to get a lot of hate mail for this one...What's the definition of the perfect woman?She's three feet tall, has a round hole for a mouth, and her head is flat so you can put a can on it. The sports model has pull back ears and her teeth fold in. The economy model fucks all night and at midnight turns into a roast beef sandwich and a six pack.
What's the definition of virginity?
Q: What's the definition of virginity?A: A big issue over a little tissue.
What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
Q: What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?A: An infected pussy on your organ.
Old Chinese proverb
Old Chinese proverb:Rape impossible!Woman with skirt up run faster than man with trousers down!
A proper name
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into thebedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection. Looking down at this, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!"
A young girl is speaking with her father...
A young girl is speaking with her father."Daddy, what's that between your legs?""That's my hedgehog.""Wow, it's got a massive cock."
A vicious circle
A little girl asks her father, "where do little girls come from?" The father says, "they come from a hard-on." The little girl then asks her father, "where does a hard-on come from?" The father says, "little girls!"
Anomaly or...
"Doctor, I need your help," the woman says. "What seems to be the problem?" "My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?" "Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?" "Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've got to help me!" "Er ... Why don't you take a lover?" "I have! I still don't get enough." "Take another lover." "I did. In fact, I have eight lovers - and I still don't get enough sex!" "Gosh, that's an anomaly." "Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me I'm a whore!"
A boat load filled with Viagra sank in Baltimore Harbor...
A boat load filled with Viagra sank in Baltimore Harbor.They could not get the draw bridges down for a week.
Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6...
Two young brothers, aged 5 and 6, are listening through the keyhole as their older sister is getting it on with her new boyfriend.They hear her say, "Oh, Jim, you're going where no man has gone before!"The six-year-old says to his brother, "He must be fucking her up the ass!"
Not enough time to tell
The morning after their honeymoon night, Julie says to herhusband, "you know, You're really a lousy lover!"Her husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"
This redneck gets married, but on his wedding night...
This redneck gets married, but on his wedding night he doesn't know whatto do. He's fumbling around for a while, but finally his wife gets fed upand says, "Jeb, ya big idiot! Yer s'pposed to take that thing you playwith and put it where I pee!"...So he got his bowling bowl and threw it in the outhouse!
Poetic justice
A man was called to witness that a couple had been making love in apark.The witness: They were fucking your honorThe judge: Could the witness put it in a more Sheakspearian way:The witness: The park was Dark but caused no fear Until tiny sounds came to my ear There was this couple on the ground there and his balls were dangling in the air and you know his what was in her you know where If that wasn't fucking your Honor I wasn't there
Safe to appear
Don was looking for a little "action." He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac. After six times, she was screaming for more. After the *eighth* time, Don told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.On the way out, he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic when he couldn't find his dick. After a couple of minutes of "fishing around," he finally said, "Look, it's ok. She's not here!"
The newlyweds showed up at the hotel and...
The newlyweds showed up at the hotel and asked for the honeymoon suite."Do you have reservations?" asked the desk clerk."Only one, " replied the groom, "she won't take it up the ass."
Sneezing orgasms
A man goes to a doctor and says:"Doctor, it's embarassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.""Gee, what are you taking for it?""Snuff."
Get some of this
Two cowboys are out rounding up cattle when all of a sudden a heifertakes off and goes wild, the heifer runs into a fence and get's her headstuck. The two cowboys get over to the fence and the one says to theother:"This is too good to pass up," gets off his horse, unzips his pants and starts fucking the shit out of this heifer for at least ten minutes. When he finally finished he looked up to his partner and asked him if he wants some of it. His partner replied "hell yes that looks pretty good", climbs down off his horse drops his pants and sticks his head in the fence.
Schick is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City...
Schick is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City, runs into a hooker,and he says, "How much?"She says, "Twenty bucks."He says, "All right."They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her. The next night, heruns into the same hooker, they go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.She says, "What the extra five?"He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."
Two mates were screwing the same chick at the same time...
Two mates were screwing the same chick at the same time, and they weregreeted with the sad news one day that their common squeeze had got knocked up. Having no way of knowing which was the father, the two mates chipped in and sent her out of town to have the little bastard.Several months passed without either of the mates hearing from the chick,so one of them decided to find her and get some news about the pregnancy.The next day, the other dude got a call from his mate. "I've got some goodnews and some bad news," the mate said on the telephone."Well, give me the good news first," replied the other."The good news is that she's fine, and she had twins," came the reply."And the bad news?""Mine died"
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