Sex
Happens all the time
A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turnout to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at hisapartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on theother. He realizes that the first one might get boredwatching, so he her asks what she'd like to do. She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd loveto play your trombone." So she plays it while he screws her sister. A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy'sapartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stopup and see that guy." The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?"
A truck driver breaks down and...
A truck driver breaks down and shortly another trucker stops to givehim hand. He notices that the first driver has a big red spot paintedon his dash and asks him what it's for. He replies "Oh that's aconversation piece for when I pick up female hitchhikers. I get lotsof pussy that way" The other driver thinks that's a great idea so hepaints a red spot on his dash too. Then he sees a girl hitchhiking sohe picks her up. She notices the red spot on the dash and asks himwhat it's for. He says "It's a conversation piece. You wanna fuck?"
Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose?
Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose? They couldn't close his casket.
Household items
Back in the '70s, days of conspicuous (ahem) consumption, Hugh Hefner was showing a friend around the Playboy Mansion. At one point, Hefner turned to his friend, and said, "Did you ever hear this joke? A woman receives flowers from her boyfriend. She turns to her friend, and says, `Oh, great. Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air.' `Why?' says her friend. `Don't you have a vase?'" They laugh, and then Hefner opens a door with a flourish. Inside, women are reclining on couches, naked as jaybirds, with flowers protruding from their vaginas. Hefner and his friend have another laugh and are flirting with the girls when suddenly, from the next room, there is a bloodcurdling shriek!"What was that?" starts Hefner's friend. "Oh, probably just the umbrella stand..."
How long does it take for a woman to orgasm?
How long does it take for a woman to orgasm? Who cares?
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him...
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination."Mrs. Brown," he said, "I have some good news for you."The woman said, "I'm glad of that doctor, but I'm Miss Brown,""Miss Brown," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have bad news for you."
So the elephant says to the naked man...
So the elephant says to the naked man . . ."You breathe through that little thing?"
Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend...
Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in one tent while the wives used the other.At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled, "Wow, unbelievable!"Which woke Ed."What's going on?" said Ed."I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife." said Ted."How come?" said Ed."To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in mylife!" said TedAfter a pause, Ed said, "Do you want me to come with you?""Hell, no! Why would I want you to do that?" said Ted."Because that's my dick you're holding," said Ed.
What part of a woman does a man like looking at best?
What part of a woman does a man like looking at best?The top of her head.
It seems that Ken Starr is dropping all sexual allegations...
It seems that Ken Starr is dropping all sexual allegations against President Clinton. It all stems from the Paula Jones case. The spokesperson remarked that it would be impossible for a woman witha six inch nose to give a blow job to a person with a three inch dick.
Love handles
One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold a genie popped out."Greetings, Miss Lewinsky," the genie said. "Since you have released me, I will grant you one wish.""Well," Monica replied, "I'm going to be on television alot for a while, and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these love handles.""Your wish is my command," said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff of smoke...And her ears promptly fell off.
A group of cowboys were branding some cattle...
A group of cowboys were branding some cattle. While they were out the cooksaw a sheep tied to a post. Thinking it was for that nights dinner hecooked it. That night after dinner the cowboys were all sulking andignoring the cook. He pulled one aside and asked, "Did I screw up thecooking..." "No", the cowboy replied, "You cooked up the screwing."
What's an Australian kiss?
Q. What's an Australian kiss?A. The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!
What's the most active muscle in a woman?
Q: What's the most active muscle in a woman?A: The penis.
Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible...
Mary went to Jill's place to tell her about a horrible experience she'dhad the previous night with this bloke she brought home."Well, what happened when you got there?" Jill asked "The bastard called me a slut!" Mary said."And what did you do then?" Jill asked, shocked."I told him to get the fuck out of my bedroom and take his eightmates with him!" Mary said.
What's the difference between Love, True Love and showing off?
What's the difference between Love, True Love and showing off? Spit, swallow and gargle.
One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall...
One day a priest went into a public bathroom to use the stall. While he was on the toilet, he heard moaning coming from the stall next to him. He stood up to look over, and there was little Jimmy, sitting on the toilet masturbating.The priest was shocked. He told Jimmy that he knew what he was doing in there and that he should save it for marriage.Little Jimmy agreed to this only because it was coming from a priest. About a week later the priest ran into Jimmy at the mall and asked him how he was doing with his problem.Jimmy replied "Great father, I've saved a whole quart!"
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to...
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to an extremely gorgeous woman. The first thing he notices about her though, are her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them. After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her."Excuse me miss, but how do you get into your pants?" "Well," she replied, "you can start by buying me a drink."
Two men are discussing the age old question...
Two men are discussing the age old question: who enjoys sex more, the man or the woman? A woman walks by and listens in for awhile and then interrupts: "Listen you guys. You know when your ear itches and you put in your little finger and wiggle it around for awhile? Afterward, which feels better, your finger or your ear?"
A cure for a headache
Phil was at the bar one night, and complained about having a headache."I've got a beaut cure for a headache," said his mate Trev. "Whenever I have a headache I head home and I get my wife to give me a long, slow, wet blowjob. Never fails."A week went by and they were in the bar again, talking. "Did you try my headache cure," asked Trev. "Yeah said Phil, worked great! Your house is nice, too!"
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