Sex
A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding...
A huge guy marries a tiny girl, and at the wedding, one of his friends says to him, "How the hell do the two of you have sex?"The big guy says, "I just sit there, naked, on a chair, she sits on top, and I bob her up and down."His friend says, "You know, that don't sound too bad."The big guy says, "Well, it's kind of like jerking off, only I got somebody to talk to."
What do you call foreplay in Alabama?
What do you call foreplay in Alabama? 'Hey sis, you awake?'
The new hooker had just finished her first trick...
The new hooker had just finished her first trick. Whenshe came back down to the street, the seasoned veteransall gathered around to hear the details. She said,"Well, he was a big, muscular and handsome marine." "Well? What did he want to do?" they all asked. She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, buthe said he did not have that much. So, I told him a blowjob would be $75, but he did not have that much either.Finally I said, 'Well how much do you have?' The marinesaid he only had $25. So, I told him, 'For $25, all Ican give you is a hand job.' He agreed and after gettingthe finances straight, he pulled it out. I put onehand on it. Then, I put the other hand above that one." She paused, raised her eyebrows, and then continues,"Then I put the first hand above the second hand..." "Oh my God!" they all exclaimed, "it must have been huge!Then what did you do?" "I loaned him $75!"
The wife of an older man is distraught...
The wife of an older man is distraught because her husband's um...little sailor can't salute anymore. She goes to her local doctorand explains the situation and the doctor just feels plain bad forher. The doc thinks for a little bit, turns to the woman and says,"listen, I don't do this for everyone, but since your husband'son his way out...Get this prescription, and put three drops in hismilk before he goes to bed." The wife is very happy and thanks thedoc profusely. Two weeks later, the doctor sees the woman and asks how it went.The lady blushes, smiles and says, "well I put thirty drops in hismilk by accident, and well, we just need an antidote now to closethe coffin."
A man is driving down the freeway...
A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign thatsays; "Get gas and free sex here". So obviously the guy wasinterested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay."Pick a number from 1 - 10 to get free sex." said the cashier. "Uh, okay, 3!" the man replied."Nope! Sorry play again".So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at thesame place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he wasreally ticked:"This has got to be rigged! I have never gotten the number tohave free sex!" He screamed."Oh no! It's not rigged, just ask your wife, she won 3 timeslast week alone!"
The guy considered himself lucky to have been able...
The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attractand bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even consideringtrying to establish a relationship instead of just a one nightstand. But he couldn't help but wonder why she wasn't alreadyin one."I can't help feeling that we've met before." he said."Yeah, I know." sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to mea lot. I think they call this 'deja screw'.
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other...
A man and a woman are sitting next to each other at a bar gettingdrunk. The man turns to the woman and asks her why she's so down."My husband just left me. He said I'm too kinky in bed," she said."What a coincidence! My wife just left me," said the man, "she toldme that I was too kinky for her, too!"The two talk a little while longer, and finding that they have somuch in common they decide to go back to the woman's house to havekinky sex.When they get to the woman's house she turns to the man and says,"Give me ten minutes, I want to slip into something more comfortable."She goes into the bathroom and changes into a full leather dominatrixoutfit.However, as she is coming out of her bathroom, the man is putting onhis coat and walking out the door."What happened?" She said, "I thought you wanted to have kinky sex?"He looks at her and says, "Well, I just screwed your dog and shit inyour purse. I'm done."
Two pedophiles were sitting on the beach...
Two pedophiles were sitting on the beach.One said to the other "Hey get out of my son!"
Why do bankers make great lovers?
Why do bankers make great lovers? They know the penalty for early withdrawal.
How do you re-sleeve a prostitue?
How do you re-sleeve a prostitue? - Put a leg of ham up her snatch and pull the bone out.
How do you get Visual Aids?
How do you get Visual Aids? - From a nasty poke in the eye.
Which of the following does not belong?
Which of the following doesn't belong?(a) meat(b) eggs(c) wife(d) blow job(D) A blowjob because its possible to beat your meat,your eggs or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob
What is the similarity between a woman and a washing machine?
What is the similarity between a woman and a washing machine? They both leak when they're fucked!
What two things in the air will get a women pregnant?
What two things in the air will get a women pregnant? Her legs.
What is a yankee?
What is a yankee? A quickie, but you do it yourself.
Why cannot Miss Piggy count to 70?
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? - Because she gets a frog stuck in her throat at 69.
How can you tell if your girlfriend is frigid?
How can you tell if your girlfriend is frigid? When you open her legs the lights go on
Two storks on a nest, a father stork and baby stork...
Two storks on a nest, a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying andcrying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry Son, yourmother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, its fathers turn to do the job."Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringingjoy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork parents are desperate, their son is gone fromthe nest all night. Finally, shortly before dawn, he returns and theparents ask their son where he had been all night. Says the baby stork, "Awww, just scaring the shit out of college kids!"
The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate...
The young couple was engaged in a most affectionate embrace when therecame the sound of a key in the front door. The young lady broke awayat once, eyes wide with alarm."Heavens," she cried, "it's my husband! Quick, jump out the window."The young man, equally alarmed, made a quick step toward the window,then demurred. "I can't," he said, "we're on the thirteenth floor.""For heaven's sake," cried the young lady in exasperation,"is this a time to be superstitious?"
At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry...
At the ripe old age of 77, grandpa had decided to marry a young girl of 20.Grandpa's doctor tried to explain that at his age sex with a young girlcould be dangerous, even fatal. Grandpa, not the slightest bit perturbedreplied "Oh well, if she dies, I'll just get myself another one."
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