Sex
What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole?
What do you get when you cross a rooster and a telephone pole? A 40ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
A little girl goes into the toilet and sees her dad having a shower...
A little girl goes into the toilet and sees her dad having a shower.It's at that moment she spots his penis. Pointing at it she says..... "Daddy, daddy, when will I get one of those?" The dad looks at the little girl, looks out the door, looks backat the little girl and winks.... "When your mommy goes to the mall!"
What is the difference between hard and light?
What's the difference between hard and light? - You can sleep with a light on.
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age...
Little Johnny was 7 years old, and like other boys his age,rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about courting fromother boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done.One day he took his questions to his mother, and she becameflustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny she told him tohide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sisterand her boyfriend. This he did, and the following morning Johnnydescribed everything to his mother.Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for awhile, then he turned offmost of the lights. Then he started to kiss and hug her, I figuredsis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. Hemust have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse tofeel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as goodas the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart.He was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them startedpanting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have beengetting cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time, sisgot toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. Iknow it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot.Finally, I found out what was making them so sick...a big eel hadgotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pantsand stood there about 9 inches long. Honest! anyway, he grabbed itin one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it she gotreally scared. Her eyes big and her mouth fell open, and she startedcalling out to God and stuff like that. I should tell her about theones I saw at the lake!Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by bitting its head off.All of a sudden, she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit herback. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he tooka muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eels head to keep itfrom biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get ascissor lock on it, and he helped by laying on the top of the eel. The eelput up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squeeling and herboyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel bysquishing it between them.After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriendsat up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead becauseit just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis andher boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went on courtinganyway. He started hugging and kissing her again, and by golly, the eel wasn'tdead after all. It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eelsare like cats... They have nine lives or something.This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about35 minutes of struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this timebecause I saw sis's boyfriend peel off the skin and flush it down the toilet.Mother fainted.
Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of...
Once in a medieval times, there was a King who was getting sort of bored after dinner onenight. He decided to hold a contest of who at the court had the mightiest "weapon". Thefirst knight stood up and proclaimed that he had the mightiest weapon...he pulled down hispants and tied a 5 pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...thewomen swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played appropriatemusic.Another knight stood up and yelled that he had the mightiest weapon. He dropped his pantsand tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered...thewomen swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band playedappropriate music.After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...the King finally spoke out."I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped his pants and tied, not a 10 pound,not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, but a 40 pound weight to himself. The weapon dothrose. The crowds cheered...the women swooned...the children waved multi-colored banners...and the band played "God Save the Queen."
How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?
How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper.
This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop...
This old lady walks out of the grocery store and goes to the bus stop.An old guy is sitting in the parking lot in his car. He drives over andsays he'll give her a ride home.On the way he looks her over and says "You're a pretty good looking oldbroad. I'll pay you ten bucks for a piece of ass".She says "What???!!!". But then thinks that the old age check isn't duefor 5 more days, so she agrees.They are lying on the bed after its over having the usual smoke and hesays to her "Geez if I had known that you were a virgin I would haveoffered you $20.00!" She looks back at him and says "If I had know you could get it up I wouldhave taken off my pantyhose!"
What is the difference between a Certificate of Deposit and Intercourse?
What is the difference between a Certificate of Deposit and Intercourse?A Certificate of Deposit has significant penalty for early withdrawl.Sent by Josh
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist...
A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist.The doctor took one look at this woman and all hisprofessionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she haddisrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doingso, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" "Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any abrasionsor dermatological abnormalities." "That is right," saidthe doctor. He then began to fondle her breasts. "Doyou know what I'm doing now?" he asked."Yes," the woman said, "you're checking for any lumps orbreast cancer." "Correct," replied the shady doctor.Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexualintercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I'm doingnow?""Yes," she said. "You're getting herpes; which is why I camehere in the first place."
Three guys are discussing women...
Three guys are discussing women."I like to watch a woman's tits best," the first guy says.The second says "I like to look at a woman's ass."He asks the third guy "What about you?"."Me? I prefer to see the top of her head."
Husband: Want a quickie?
Husband: Want a quickie?Wife: As opposed to what?
One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor...
One afternoon this young girl knocked on the door of her neighbor,to chit chat the afternoon away. She walked in and said my god youlook so depressed. She said you bet I am, look what my damm husband sent me...sixdozen roses. Now you know what that means? I'm going to have tospend this whole weekend on my back with my legs spread. Now that's really silly, why don't you use a vase?
Did you know that the night Santa first met his future wife...
Did you know that the night Santa first met his futurewife he uttered the now famous words: "Yes, that is a candy cane in my pocket, and I am glad to meet you."
Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said...
Mrs. Ogden went to her doctor and said "Please give me aprescription for the Pill.""I don't think you need the Pill at your age.""It relaxes me.""But you know the 'purpose' of the Pill. It's not forrelaxing," exclaimed the physician."I know," said Mrs Ogden, "but my daughter dates, and everymorning I drop one in her orange juice. Believe me, I feelmore relaxed.
Forgot to pedal
I admitted to my friend that I hadn't had sex for a while.My friend reassured me that I won't forget it, cuz sex islike riding a bicycle.I know it's been a while, but I don't ever remember pedaling...
What did the boy with a long tongue and big lips say to his mom...
What did the boy with a long tongue and biglips say to his mom as he was masturbating? "look Ma', no hands"
How can you tell when your girlfriend is horny?
How can you tell when your girlfriend's horny? You stick your hands in her panties and it feels like you feeding a horse.
The aged patient doddered into...
The aged patient doddered into the doctor's office with a serious complaint."Doc, you've got to do something to lower my sex drive.""Come on now Mr Peters," the doctor said, "your sex drives all in your head.""Thats what I mean, you've got to lower it a little."
What is green and eats nuts?
What is green and eats nuts? Herpes!
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year!
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