Religion
What did God say after creating man?
What did God say after creating man? "I can do better"
The local priest came across Paddy who had...
The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern."Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day.""Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?"
A fine sermon
A man finally goes with his wife to church. The man was so impressedwith the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand."Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMNED fine sermon." The preachersays "Why thank you sir, but we don't used profanity in the house of the Lord".The man says, "But preacher, that was the best DAMNED sermon I ever heard." The preacher says again, "sir I must be blunt, DO NOT use curse words in the Lords house again". The man says "Well I was so impressed with your sermon that Iplaced $1000 dollars in the collection plate". The preacher says "NO SHIT"?
In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene...
In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a particular passage. Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar.'"
ZHow offensive is that?
How offensive is that?Jesus has just been nailed to the cross and has begun to suffer from the wounds, A crowd has gathered to watch and sympathize with Him. As Jesus looks out over the gathering he calls to one of his apostle's. "Paul... Paul," He calls out.Paul hears his name and comes to the front of the gathering. "Yes Jesus,how may I serve you" he exclaims. Just then a guard comes up to Paul, cuts Paul's right arm off with his sword, and throws him back into the crowd, saying "No one is allowed to speak with the prisoner!" Jesus once again calls his name. "Paul . . .Paul", he calls. Paul, determined goes to the front of the gathering again. There he meets the same gaurd who this time cuts off the left arm, and both legs and throws him back into the crowd.Jesus yells out once again , "Paul,...Paul". Paul , who is now lying on his back on the ground attempts to roll to the front of the gathering. The guard seeing this determination and devotion finally weakens and decides to let Paul speak to Jesus. He goes over to Paul, picks him up and brings him to the front of the crowd. Paul, with tears in his eyes looks up to his savior and speaks, "Yes Jesus, I am here. What is it I can do for you?" Jesus looks over the horizon and then to Paul and states,"Oh nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I could see your house from here!"
The priest was preparing a man...
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the Devil! Let him knowhow little you think of his evil!"The dying man said nothing.The priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing.The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the Devil and his evil?"The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think Iought to aggravate anybody!"
Soap dispenser
Two priests are off to the showers late one night.They undress and step in the showers before theyrealize there is no soap. Father John says he hassome soap in his room and goes to get it, notbothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap inhis hands and heads back to the showers. He getshalfway down the hall when he sees three nunsheading his way. Having no place to hide, hestands against the wall and freezes like he's astatue.The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls hisdick. Startled, he drops a bar of soap."Oh look," says the 2nd nun... "A soap dispenser."To test her theory she also pulls his dick...andsure enough he drops the last bar of soap. Thethird nun then pulls, first once, then twice andthree times. Still nothing happens. So she triesonce more and to her delight she yells..."Look, hand cream!"
Pastime for Passover
Paul says to Jesus, "Hey man, whatcha doing for Passover?"Jesus says, "Just hanging around."
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital...
Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital), and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?" "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely. "Then can you pay in cash?" persisted the nun. "I'm afraid I cannot, Sister." "Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned sternly. "Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun." "Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters - they are married to God." "Wonderful," said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Show him your cross
Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, aretraveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing inTransylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, outof nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the carand hisses at them through the windshield."Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should wedo?""Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of theabomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock themini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissingat the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts."Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy waterbefore we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. Thevampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs onand continues hissing at the nuns."Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes."Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent."Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She thenopens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off our car!"
The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle...
The Pope was working on a crossword puzzle. He thoughtand thought about one clue, finally gave up and asked the Cardinal next to him, "What's a four letter word, ending in U - N - T that means 'woman'?"The Cardinal was working on his own puzzle and didn't even bother to look up. "*A*unt, your Holiness."The Pope didn't speak for a second. "Oh." He paused. "Do you have an eraser?"
A priest and a lawyer are walking down...
A priest and a lawyer are walking down the street and seea small boy eating an ice cream. The priest says, "How'd you like to fuck that?" To which the lawyer replied, "Out of what?"
Three girls died and were brought to the gates...
Three girls died and were brought to the gates ofheaven. Upon entering the gate, they were haltedby St. Peter and his obedient angel.St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering youmust answer this simple question." "Which is ...?",they replied in unison. "Have you been a good girl?",he asked the first girl."Oh yes", she said. "I was a virgin before I gotmarried and was still virgin even after I got married.""Very good", said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ...the golden key.""Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl."Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before Igot married but was not after I got married." "Very good",said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ... the silver key.""Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl."Oh no, not at all," she said. "I practically had sex withevery guy I met before and after I got married. Anywhere,anytime.""Very good," said St. Peter. "Angel, give this girl ...my room key."
One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to...
One balmy evening in Rome the Pope decides to take a walk.He slips out the rear door of the Vatican and is walkingthrough the back alleys of Rome when he sees a ten-year-oldboy smoking a cigarette. The Pope gently says to him, "Youngman, you're much too young to smoke!"The kid looks up at the Pope and says, "Fuck you!"The Pope is completely taken aback. "What?" he says. "You saythat to *me*, the Pontiff, the Vicar of Christ, the head ofthe Roman Catholic Church? I am the spiritual leader formillions of people, young man, the representative of God,and you dare to say that to *me*? No, no, no, kid, fuck *YOU*!"
What's the difference between acne and a priest?
Ok, kids, here's the gross one...Q: What's the difference between acne and a priest?A: Acne usually comes on a boy's face AFTER he turns 13.
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says...
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless mefather for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?Tommy says "Yes father, it's me."The Priest says "Who was the woman you were with?"Tommy says "I cannot tell you, father, because I don't wantto ruin her reputation."The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"Tommy replies "No, father."The priest asks, "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"Tommy replies "No."The priest asks, "Was it Ann Brown?"Tommy replies "No."The priest asks, "Was it Mary Elizabeth O'Shea?"Tommy replies "No, father."The priest asks, "Was it Amy Thomas?"Tommy replies "No, father."The priest asks, "Was it little Cathy Morgan?"Tommy replies "NO father! I cannot tell you."The priest finally says, "Tommy, I admire your perseverance,but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be four'Our Fathers' and five 'Hail Mary's'. Now go back to yourseat."Tommy walks back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides overand whispers, "What happened?!""Well, I got four Our Fathers, five Hail Marys, and sixgood leads."
Got a second?
God, I was wondering...how long is a million years to you?"God answered, "Son, a million years to me is like a second to you."So the man asks, "God how much is a million dollars to you?"And God answered, "Son a million dollars to me is like one penny to you."So the man asks, "God, can I have one of your pennies?"And God answers, "Just a second son."
Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport...
Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a Nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat.Astonished, one of them says, "I went to my parents wedding last week andwe all got rat-arsed."Being quick on the uptake the second one says, " My dad says he will marrymy mum next year."Despite this the Nun stays right where she is.In desperation the third one says, " My old man will never ever marry mymum."The Nun looks up from her food and says, " Would one of you bastards please pass the salt."
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
Q: Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?A: He sold his soul to Santa.
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon...
The minister of a small congregation was about to start his sermon when he noticed a young woman in the front row, wearing a tight dress with her boobs almost hanging out. He couldn't concentrate on his message to the flock, so he dismissed the service and asked to speak to the woman after everyone else left the church.When they were alone, the reverend said in his sternest lecturing voice. "Just what do you mean, coming to church dressed like that?""Why reverend." the young thing replied. All of my boyfriends tell me that they can hear the angels sing when they put their heads on my breasts.""Hmm. Well let me check," said the man of the cloth, placing his head between her tits. After several minutes, he raised his head and said. "I don't hear any angels singing!""Of course not reverend." she said. Your not plugged in yet."
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