Religion
It is written in the Bible!
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hoteland offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.After a while he started advancing on her when she stopped himand reminded him he was a holy man."It's O.K.," he replied, "it's written in the Bible."So after a wild night of you-know-what the hat check girl askedto see where in the Bible it says it's okay.The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to thefirst page where someone wrote in pencil - "The hat check girlputs out!"
What is an atheists favorite Christmas movie?
What's an atheist's favorite Christmas movie?Coincidence on 34th Street.
"What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?"
"What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?""Popeye beat the shit out of him!"
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah Witness and an atheist?
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness and an atheist?Someone who knocks on your door for no reason whatsoever.If God is dead, then what are they giving out at communion?
What is the last thing Jesus Christ said to the Teamsters?
What is the last thing Jesus Christ said to the Teamsters?"Don't do anything 'till I get back."
What causes arthritis?
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seatnext to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face wasplastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin wassticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaperand began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turnedto the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?""My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wickedwomen, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man.""Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man andapologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong.How long have you had arthritis?""I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
What is white and streaks across the sky?
What is white and streaks across the sky? The coming of the Lord.
Did you hear about that guy who was asked to be a Jehovah witness?
Did you hear about that guy who was asked to be a Jehovah's witness? - He refused becuase he hadn't seen the accident.
A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident...
A lawyer and the pope were both killed in an accident.The two were in line to see St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.St. Peter asked the lawyer his name and looked it up inhis book. He then asked the Pope for his name, and lookedit up in his book also. "Now, if you will come with me, Iwill show you your eternal dwellings," said St. Peter. Theywalked along the clouds and came to a huge mansion with allsorts of lavish trappings. St. Peter turned to the lawyerand told him this was to be his house. The Pope, knowing howimportant he was to the church could hardly imagine what hishouse would be like. St. Peter and the Pope continued on toa small, beat-up wooden shack. St. Peter told the Pope thatthis would be his dwelling. The Pope, shocked, said toSt. Peter, "Just a minute! That other guy was a lawyer and hegets a mansion. I was the head of the Roman Catholic church,and this is all the reward I get?" St. Peter looked at thePope and said "True, you have done great things. Butwe have lots of Popes in Heaven, and that guy was the firstlawyer ever to make it up here."
A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised when...
A fellow dies, goes to hell, and is surprised whenconfronted by a room full of beautiful blondes andkegs of beer. He asks a nearby demon if this isreally hell, and what was so bad about the place."Well," said the demon, "the kegs all have holes inthe bottoms, and the blondes don't!"
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue...
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogueacross the street from each other. Since their schedulesintertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.So they did. They drove it home and parked it in thestreet between their establishments. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw thepriest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't needa wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he wasdoing. "I'm blessing it" the priest replied.The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue.He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to thecar and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.
A little sports match
"...And the halftime score here at the Colleusium is Lions 7,Christians Nothing. We'll be right back after these messages..."
There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the Pope...
There was an old woman on a plane, sitting next to the Pope. It was stormy outside, and the plane wasbeing rocked by some severe turbulence. So this kindly old lady looked upon Death's door, and said to her papal neighbour. 'Father, surely you can do something about this...'To which the Pope replied, 'Sorry lady, I'm in sales, not management.'
The same thing
A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest,"I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says,"what do you mean almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed togetherbut then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as puttingit in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say fiveHail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment andthen starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him andsays, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and yousaid it was the same as putting it in!"
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal...
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Ladyof Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state ofagitation. "Father!" she cried, "just WAIT until you hear this!"The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, " Now just calmdown and tell me what has you so excited?" "Well, father" the nunbegan, "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and Iheard some of the older boys wagering money!""A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest. "But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun,"it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on acontest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!""What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest, "What did you do?""Well, I hit the CEILING, father.""How much did you win?"
When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town...
When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he wentout and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might noticehim on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there wasthis bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on. Thethe guy's amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to thebum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy wentover to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off hisback. Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum.Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of thisguy, and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to getthe hell out of here!"
The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with...
The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting withher young charges and she asked them what they wanted to bewhen they grew up.A twelve-year-old said, "I want to be a prostitute."The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When theyrevived her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped,"What did you say?"The young girl shrugged. "I said I want to be a prostitute.""A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said, "Oh, praise sweetJesus! And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."
Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the...
Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of theweekly collection they kept for themselves. The first priestexplained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a fewpaces back and pitched the money towards the circle. Whatlanded in the circle he kept and what landed outside thecircle god kept.The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same,except that what landed outside the circle went to the priestand the money that landed inside the circle god kept.The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw the moneyinto the air and what god wants, god takes."
A few years ago, when the Catholic church reform began...
A few years ago, when the Catholic church reform began to be muchin the news, Mrs. Moskowitz said to Mrs. Finkelstein, "Tell me,Becky, have you heard by chance what's going on in Rome?""No," said Mrs Finkelstein. "I haven't. What's going on in Rome?""A meeting of high Catholic churchmen has, among other things,decided that the Jews are not responsible for the crucifixion ofJesus."Mrs Finkelstein raised her eyebrows. "Indeed? And who is responsible, then?""I'm not sure," said Mrs. Moskowitz. "I think they suspect the Puerto Ricans."
On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their daily...
On the steps of this church two pan handlers were doing their dailybusiness. One wore a large cross on his chest and the other - a starof David. Of course, most of the church goers generously gave to thecross wearer and the other was overlooked.Finally the Pastor approached the Jew and suggested that if he takeoff the star of David maybe he'd get some more hand outs."Get this guy, Chaim" laughs the pan handler and turns to his crosswearing pal, "He's trying to teach *us* how to do business!"
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