Religion
The Hat
The Hat An elderly man was quite unhappy because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided he would go to church and swipe one out of the vestibule. When he got there, an usher intercepted him at the door and took him to a pew where he had to sit and listen to the entiresermon on "The Ten Commandments." After church, the man met the preacher in the vestibule doorway, shook his had vigorously, and told him "I want to thank you preacher for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided against it." Preacher: "You mean the commandment 'I shall not steal' changed your mind?" Old Man: "No, the one about adultery did. As soon as you said that I remember where I left my old hat!"
Sister Ann, arent you putting on a little weight?
"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging stomach. "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas." A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit barely fit across her belly. "Oh, just a bit of gas," said sister Ann, blushing a bit. On his next visit Father Dan was walking down the corridor when he passed Sister Ann wheeling a baby carriage. Looking in, the priest observed, "Cute little Fart!"
The Reverend
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day. As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?" The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?" The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
Heavenly golf
Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one. Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."
GOD will save me
GOD will save me The police were going door to door warning everyone to evacuate because the river was rising. One door they came to, the man said "GOD will save me". The river continued to rise and he was forced to move everthing to the second floor of his house. A man in a boat came by and offered to save him. Again he said "GOD will save me". Pretty soon the second story was flooded and he was forced to get on the roof of his house. A helicopter came by and tried to save him and yet again he said "GOD will save me". It wasn't long before the house was completely covered and the man died and went to heaven. He confronted God with "Why didn't you save me, GOD?" And God said " I sent you the police, a boat and a helicopter. Why did you stay in the house?"
A Lutheran minister is driving down...
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York to see the radio show and he's stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"And the minister says, "Just water."The sheriff says, "Then why do I smell wine?"And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, "Good Lord, He's done it again!"
The ages of man
God created the mule, and told him, 'you will be Mule, workingconstantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years. The mule answered: 'To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.' And it was so.Then God created the dog, and told him, 'you will hold vigilanceover the dwellings of Man, to him you will be his greatest companion. Youwill eat his table scraps and live for 25 years.'And the dog responded, 'Lord, to live 25 years as a dog is too much.Please, no more than 10 years.' And it was so. God then created the monkey, and told him, 'You are Monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny,and you shall live for 20 years.'And the monkey responded, 'Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of theworld is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years.' And it was so.Finally, God created Man and told him, 'You are Man, the only rationalbeing that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to havemastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth andlive for 20 years.And the man responded, 'Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is toolittle. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 yearsthe dog refused, and the ten years the monkey rejected.' And it was so.And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live20 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house andeating the leftovers after they empty the pantry then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like a clown to amuse his grandchildren.
A pastor in Maine skipped services one Sunday...
A pastor in Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting.Along the trail he turned a corner and collided with a bear. thepastor stumbled, backwards, slipped off the trail, and begantumbling down the mountain, the bear in hot pursuit. Finally thepastor crashed into a bolder, breaking both his legs and sendinghis rifle flying through the air, just out of his reach. As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out "Lord, I'm sorry forwhat I have done. Please forgive me and save me! - Lord pleasemake this bear a Christian". Suddenly the bear skipped to a halt at the pastor's feet, fellto it's knees, clasped it's paws together, began to weep andsaid "God bless this food which I am about to receive!"
The Pope took a philosophy professor...
The Pope took a philosophy professor (an atheist at that) out fishing on a large lake. As they drifted on the still lake, the philosopher accidentally dropped an oar and watched it float away. The pontiff stepped out of the boat, walked across the water to the oar, grabbed it and walked back to the boat. The next day at the university, a colleague asked the philosopher if he had enjoyed fishing with the Pope. "It was okay, but would you believe that guy can't swim?"
What was the first thing Adam said to Eve ?
What was the first thing Adam said to Eve ?"Stand back .... I don't know how big this thing is going to grow !"
What is the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?Dress her up as an altar boy.
Whats black and white and red all over?
Whats black and white and red all over?A nun in a car accident.
What do you get when you cross Holy Water with castor oil?
What do you get when you cross Holy Water with castor oil?A religious movement!
The wrong definition
Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,'there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. Onemorning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends Ihave been hearing very nasty rumors!"The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued,"One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member ofthe dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I amasking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here- before my flock of loyal followers."A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled,"Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I justmentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard underthe sheets."
Rabbi Stern rides his bike down the road, when...
Rabbi Stern rides his bike down the road, when a truck careens around =the corner, out of control, and broadsides the Rabbi.Father Flannery watches this event unfold, and as he runs toward the =Rabbi, he notices that Rabbi Stern first touches his forehead, then his =stomach, then each shoulder. As Father Flannery reaches the Rabbi, he =kneels and makes the sign of the cross himself."Rabbi, I notice that you crossed yourself after getting up from the =accident. It's a miracle, must be! Have you seen the light? Do you =believe, man?""Aw, heck no!" replied Rabbi Stern, "I was just checking.""Checking? Checking for what?"Rabbi Stern begins the ritual again, and follows each movement with: ="Spectacles... Testicles... Wallet... Watch!"
Two nuns are riding a bike down a road...
Two nuns are riding a bike down a road and the firstnun says, "I`ve never come this way before!" and thesecond nun says, "Oh, it must be the cobblestone!"
What did the priest say to the nun when he screwed her?
What did the priest say to the nun when he screwed her?"The holy pole is in your hole so wet your ass and save your soul."
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing...
An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train.After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that, in yourreligion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever tasted it?The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbedonce or twice."There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper hewas reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train...
A Rabbi and a Priest were sitting together on a train, and the Rabbileans over and asks, "So how high can you advance in your organization?"The Priest says "If I am lucky, I guess I could become a Bishop.""Well, could you get any higher than that?" asks the Rabbi."I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I mightbe made an ArchBishop" said the Priest a bit cautiously."Is there any way that you might go higher than that?""If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal""Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" probed the Rabbi.Hesitating a little bit, the Priest said "I supose that I could beelected Pope, but..."So the Rabbi says "And could you be anything higher than that?,is there any way to go up from being the Pope?""What!!! I should be the Messiah himself!?!"The Rabbi leaned back and said "One of our boys made it."
A catholic lithany
A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in in New York City.He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around."A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policemanchecks the crowd----no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind."A PRIEST, PLEASE!" the dying man says again. Then out of thecrowd steps a little old Jewish man of at least eighty years of age."Mr. Policeman," says the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not evena Catholic. But for fifty years now I'm living behind St. Elizabeth'sCatholic Church on First Avenue, and every night I'm listeningto the Catholic litany. Maybe I can be of some comfort to this man."The policeman agreed and brought the octogenarian over to wherethe dying man lay. He kneels down, leans over the injured and saysin a solemn voice:"Under the B, 4. Under the I, 19. Under the N, 38.Under the G, 54. Under the O, 72. . ."
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