Religion
Why do priests wear shorts in the shower?
Why do priests wear shorts in the shower?They don't like to look down on the unemployed.
Confession
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.She says, "Father, I never wears panties under my habit."The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar.
Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh...
Waxing eloquent on the sins of the flesh, the dynamicyoung preacher raised himself to full height, leaned overthe pulpit and boomed,"Brothers and sisters, if there are any among you who havecommitted adultery, may your tongue cleave to the woof ofyour mouf!"
A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items...
A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items. Nearthe cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD"printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letterscould mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would JesusDo", and was meant to inspire people to not make rashdecisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in thesame situation.The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm damnsure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."
This fellow comes to confession...
This fellow comes to confession. "Father, he said, forgive mefor I have sinned."The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?""I lusted," the fellow replied."Tell me about it," the priest said.The fellow then related his story. "Father, I am a deliverymanfor UPS. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluentsection of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened andthere stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. Shehad long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressedin a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And,she asked if I would like to come in.""And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest."Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how Ilusted," replied the man."Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will getyour reward in heaven, my son.""A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?"the fellow asked.The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate,you jackass."
This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided...
This guy unexpectedly got the day off and decided he wouldspend it on the golf course. After arriving at the club house,he was told that the only way he could play today was if hewas willing to play along with three nuns. He agreed and set off with the nuns in tow. At the first holehe said, after you, and the nuns insisted that he go first. He took a giant swing and sliced it into a nearby bunker."Goddammit!" he said."Oh, my, please refrain from using that kind of languagearound us." said the nun. "I'm so sorry, ma'am, it won't happen again." The nun gets up to the tee and her ball travels about twentyyards, hits a tree, and bounces back behind them. "Well shit, Goddamn, hell, fuck!" exclaims the nun. "Hey, what did you tell me about that?" asks the man. "Yeah, well, you didn't hit a fuckin' tree."
Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market...
Three nuns went to a cucumber stand in an open market one day.They asked how much the cucumbers were. The merchant said thatthey were 4 for a dollar. The nuns said okay.The puzzled merchant asked why they needed four cucumbers whenthere were only three of them.A nun answered back, "Well, we could alway eat one."
What do you get when you cross a Jehova's Witness...
What do you get when you cross a Jehova's Witnesswith a Hell's Angels motorcycle gang member????Someone who comes to your door and tells *you* to fuck off!
The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning...
The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walkinground his new parish, after leaving his wife in bedwith the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack ofcigarettes. One of the old villagers came up to him and said."Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?" The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, thewife is fine also as I left her in bed smoking." The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!"
Is there a God?
Is there a God?A billion Hindus can't be wrong.
What is the meaning of life?
What is the meaning of life?All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
Two nuns turn up at the fruit market and ask the veggie man...
Two nuns turn up at the fruit market and ask the veggie man for 120 cucumbers. The guy advises: "Sisters, if you buy 3 crates, that's 150, you'll get a 25% discount !" The nuns look at each other, and after a prolonged period of thinking one whispers to the other:"We could eat the 30, I suppose."
What language do the Vatican Police speak?
What language do the Vatican Police speak?Pig Latin!
A minister was asked by a politician...
A minister was asked by a politician,"Name something the government can do to help the church."The minister replied, "Quit making one dollar bills."
One Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golf...
One Sunday, the pope REALLY wanted to play golf.But he couldn't, since it was Sunday. But hefigured, well, it's ok if i just play a little bit.So he changed clothes and went out into the green.Up in heaven an angel saw him and reported it toJesus. However, Jesus didn't do anything when hetold him. "Aren't you going to punish him?" he asked Jesus. "Yes, just wait." he replied.Just then the pope hit a beautiful hole in one."Well, that's not a punishment!" the angel said in disgust."Who is he going to tell?"
The three truths in life
There are three truths in life:1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah....2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.....3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.
What do you call a man that marries another man?
What do you call a man that marries another man?A minister
How can I believe in God when just last week...
"How can I believe in God when just last week I gotmy tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?" by Woody Allen.
Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy...
Knowing that the minister was very fond of cherry brandy, one of the church elders offered to present him with a bottle on one consideration - that the pastor acknowledge receipt of the gift in the church paper. "Gladly," responded the good man. When the church magazine came out a few days later, the elder turned at once to the "appreciation" column. There he read: "The minister extends his thanks to Elder Brown for his gift of fruit and for the spirit in which it was given."
At the first session of a conversion class...
At the first session of a conversion class theminister conducting the class asked, "What mustwe do before we can expect forgiveness from sin?" After a long silence, one of the men in attendanceraised his hand and said: "Sin?"
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