Religion
What's the difference between a nun and a woman...
What's the difference between a nun and a woman taking a shower?The nun has hope in her soul.
Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies...
Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamberpot. The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car.As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."
What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?
Q. What do a priest and a Christmas tree have in common?A. They both have balls just for decoration.
How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?
Q. How can you tell if someone is half Catholic and half Jewish?A. When he goes to confession, he takes a lawyer with him.
Where to send him?
A Jesuit, a Dominican and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, over come with awe at the of sight God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, Adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, "So, where ya thinking of sending the kid for school?
On the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope was...
On the airplane on his way back to Rome, the Pope was doing a crossword puzzle. After a while, he turned the the bishop sitting next to him and said,"What's a four -letter word ending in "unt" which means "woman"?The bishop said,"Did you try "aunt"?The Pope said,"Mmmm. Do you have an eraser?"
The only true religion
One day God called the Pope, and he said "John Paul I have good news and bad news. First the good news. I am tired of all the squabbling between the religions. I have decided there will be only the one true religion". The Pope was overjoyed and told God how wise his decision was, then asked "What's the bad news?". God said the bad news is that I am calling from Salt Lake City.
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish...
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the shell...the nut has gone to heaven."
A priest was vested in his surplus and cassock...
A priest was vested in his surplus and cassock ready to process at the beginning of the service. His surplus was very ornate and he was swinging the incense pot which had smoke coming from it. A lady touched him on the shoulder and said, "Darling, I love your dress; but your purse is on fire!"
Seymour was a good and pious man...
Seymour was a good and pious man, and when he passed away, the Lord himself greeted him at the pearly gates of heaven. "Hungry, Seymour?" the Lord asked."I could eat," said Seymour.The Lord opened a can of tuna, and they shared it.While eating this humble meal, Seymour looked down into Hell and noticed the inhabitants devouring enormous steaks, pheasant, pastries and vodka.The next day, the Lord again asked Seymour if he were hungry, and Seymour again said, "I could eat."Once again, a can of tuna was opened and shared, while down below Seymour noticed a feast of caviar, champagne, lamb, truffles, brandy, and chocolates.The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened. Meekly, Seymour said, "Lord, I am very happy to be be in heaven as a reward for the good life I lived. But, this is heaven, and all I get to eat is tuna. But in the Other Place, they eat like Kings. I just don't understand." "To be honest, Seymour," the Lord said, "for just two people, does it pay to cook?"
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached...
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?""I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests.""I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you preparedspiritually?""Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to...
This fundamentalist Christian couple felt it important to own an equallyfundamentally Christian pet. So, they went shopping.At a kennel specializing in this particular breed, they found a dog theyliked quite a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash. When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. They were impressed, purchased the animal, and went home (piously, of course).That night they had friends over. They were so proud of their newfundamentalist dog and his major skills, they called the dog and showed off a little.The friends were impressed, and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks, as well. This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought about "normal" tricks.Well, they said, "let's try this out."Once more they called the dog, and they clearly pronounced the command,"Heel!"Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead,closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his head.
Why wasn't Jesus born in America?
Why wasn't Jesus born in America?They couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.
4 Nuns at a church wanted to watch TV...
4 Nuns at a church wanted to watch TV. The first one said she wanted towatch the INDY 500. The second one wanted to watch the sexy Shawn Michelson WWF. The third nun said she wanted to watch the knitting channel so shecan knit some mittens for the kitchen. The fourth nun said she wanted towatch the discovery channel on how a baby is born. After some dicussion,they all decided to flip channels every 2 seconds so they can watch thesame things.This is what is sounded like:And they're off! They're on top of each other! In...Out...In...Out...andyes, the baby is born!
GIRL'S CONFESSION
GIRL'S CONFESSION The priest leaned closer to hear the girl's confession. "So me andmy cousin were alone in the house," she continued, "and went up to mybedroom..." "Go on, my child," said the priest gently. "I lay down on the bed and Joe got on top of me and put his handon my....on my..." "Go on." "On my pussy," stammered the girl, blushing behind the screen."And touched me and touched me until I couldn't help myself." "Yes, go on," the priest directed. "I pulled down his pants and his cock popped out, stiff and tall,"the girl went on, with a little whimper of shame, "and he began toshove it in me so hard..." "Yes, yes... Go on," he urged, breathing hard. "And then we heard the front door slam--" "Oh, SHIT!!!!
Jesus has risen
Easter is approaching. Father O'Maley checks estimates for the flowerdecoration of the altar.The catholic florist - $ 300. "Too expensive" moans the priest.The protestant florist - $ 250, "No, it would not be right to buy atanother Christian believer, especially as the price difference is rather small." But lo! Solly Goldberg - $ 75!!!Religion or economics? After much consideration, Solly obtains thecontract.On Easter Sunday morning, Goldberg's men deliver the flowers: wonderfulroses, azaleas, camellias, tulips and carnations. O'Maley's last reservations are discarded.When the parishioners arrive in the church, they see the magnificentflower arrangement and a ribbon with the inscription:"Jesus has risen! But the prices of Goldberg always stay the same."
A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her...
A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: "Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he saidthat he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates.""BASTARD!" cried the Mother Superior. "For years he told me it was Gabriel's trumpet and I have been blowing it."
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?No one to talk to during orgasm.
A man was driving from New York to San Francisco...
A man was driving from New York to San Francisco. He got as far asCleveland, when he realized he was getting terribly horny. So he looked up a house of ill repute and took care of the problem. Immediately, a severe guilt reaction set in, so he went to confession. For penance, he was told to say 10,000 Hail Mary's. So he went on driving and praying.By the time he got through with the 10,000 Hail Mary's, he was approachingSan Francisco. Suddenly he realized he was terribly horny.So he looked up a house of ill repute, and had an orgy. Again there was asevere guilt reaction, so he went to confession. It was an old Irish priest who said, "For penance say three Hail Mary's". The man said, "What?? In Cleveland, I had to say 10,000 Hail Mary's for the same thing. Father replied quietly, "Sure now, and what would they know about fucking in Cleveland?".
The three wise men are out for a stroll when...
The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside.On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway. "Jesus Christ!" he says.Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"
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