Relationships
Nothing but the truth
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"
Not this time
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife finally became pregnant, and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time"!
Bad news
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Mr. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz" said the mortician, "but I can't send youoff to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this.It has to be saved for posterity." With that, the mortician used his tools to remove the dead man'sschlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase. "Oh my God!" she screamed. "Schwatrz is dead!"
Devil herself
A fellow's wife was very worried about her husband's heavy drinking and one night she decided to give him a fright. She draped herself in a white sheet and went down to the local cemetery, knowing that her husband was in the habit of taking a shortcut through it on his way home from the pub. It was not long before he came staggering along, and out she jumped from behind a headstone. "Ooooooo!" she wailed, "I am the Devil!" He sticks out his hand..."Put it there, pal," he says, "I am married to your sister."
Deadly disease
"My girl, Ginger, is going to die of syphilis," mumbles an angrybiker to one of his buddies. "No," says the friend, "people don't die of syphilis anymore." The angry biker replies, "They do when they give it to me!"
In comparision
Dear Abby:I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober....
Difficult shot
Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?""My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one," said Bob."Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here."
A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head...
A somewhat drunk man feels a bald man's head and says, "Say, your head feels just like my wife's ass."The bald man feels his own head and says with a grin, "You know, you're right!"
Congratulations
A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed:"Come and bury my wife.""But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker."I got married again," the man sobbed."Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."
Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife...
Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, "You'll never believe it, dear, but I've discovered an entirely new positionfor lovemaking.""Really," said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. "What is it?""Back to back.""But that's crazy. We can't do anything back to back.""Yes we can. I've persuaded another couple to help out."
I'll never forget the first time I saw my husband...
I'll never forget the first time I saw my husband, He was standing on a hill, his hair blowing in the breeze, and he too proud to run after it.
What do Marriage and a Tornado have in common?
What do Marriage and a Tornado have in common? Well you start off with a lot of blowing and then sucking,and then next thing you know your house is gone!
A story with a moral
While they were taking up the collection, John leaned forward and said, "Hey, Marie, how about you and me go to dinner next Friday?" "Why Yes, John, that would be nice," said Marie. Well, John couldn't believe his luck. All week long he polished up his car, and on Friday he picked up Marie and took her to dinner, the finest restaurant in Raleigh. When they sat down, John looked over at Marie said, "Hey, Marie, would you like a cocktail before dinner?" "Oh, no, John, "said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, John was setback a bit, so he didn't say much until after dinner. Then he reached in his pocket and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Hey, Marie," said John, "Would you like a smoke?" "Oh, no, John," said Marie. "What would I tell my Sunday School class?" Well, John was feeling pretty low after that, so he just got in his car and was driving Marie home when they passed the Holiday Inn. He'd struck out twice already, so he figured he had nothing to lose. "Hey, Marie," said John, "how would you like to stop at this motel with me?" "Sure, John, that would be nice," said Marie. Well, John couldn't believe his luck. He did a U-turn right then and there across the median and everything, and drove back to the motel and checked in with Marie. The next morning John got up first. He looked at Marie lying there in the bed. "What have I done? What have I done?" thought John. He shook Marie and she woke up. "Marie, I've got to ask you one thing, said John. "What are you going to tell your Sunday School class?" Marie said, "The same thing I always tell them......... You don't have to smoke and drink to have a good time.
Last winter I was laid up at home with the flu...
Last winter I was laid up at home with the flu. My fiancee' called andvolunteered to come over and fix dinner and play nursemaid to me. Ideclined, not wanting to pass on the flu to her. "Okay honey", she told me,"Will wait till after we get married. Then we can spend the rest ofourlives making each other sick!"
Mother-in-law burial
Two friends meet each other on the street."Hello! Where are you coming from?" asked Bill."Oh, don't ask me! I'm coming from the cemetery.I just burried my mother-in-law" replied Sid."I'm so sorry!" said Bill, "But why is your face schratched all over?"."It wasn't so easy!" said Sid, "She put on a hell of a fight!"
Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis...
Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. Onenotices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders. Hesays "When did you start wearing them?" To which the other man replies"Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car."
What should you say if he asks you Am I your first?
What should you say if he asks you "Am I your first"?"You might be - you look familiar"
God made a man and then rested...
God made a man and then rested. God made a woman and then no one rested
Age difference
What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!!
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