Relationships
Paralyzed
A big fat housewife is on her hands and knees, scrubbing the kitchen floor, when she suddenly yells to her husband, "Come here quick, Charlie! I'm paralyzed! I can't get up!" He comes in, takes a look, and says, "Stand up, you silly old bat. You're kneeling on one of your tits."
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife...
A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to...to...cut it off, are you???!?" The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
A guy from weather bureau
Wife: Who was that on the phone?Husband: Wrong number. Some guy thought this was the weather bureau.Wife: What did he say?Husband: He asked if the coast was clear...
A sad mourner
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?" The first man approached him and said,"Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"
Who am I?
Night. A sleeping couple is lying in a bed. Door bell rings. A couple wakes up.Woman: "Quick! My husband is back!"Man jumps out from a window. Flying down he starts to think: "Shit! But I am the husband!"Sent by Ser
No change
Husband, upon meeting ex- after two years of separation:"Listen honey, why don't we have a few drinks, dinner, go to my apartment and really make love?"Ex-: "Over my dead body!"Husband: "You haven't changed a bit"
I had it all
A man complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman ...then ... pow! ... it was all gone!""What happened?" asked the friend."Ahhhh ... my wife found out ..."
The couple was dining out when the wife noticed...
The couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"The husband looked over and nodded. "Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"
Gift tombstones
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their wedding anniversary. The husband decides to give his wife a gift, a tombstone, with the inscription: "Here lies my wife.....cold as ever" Later the furious wife bought a return present, a tombstone with the inscription: "Here lies my husband.....stiff at last"
The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake...
The moon shown silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man towhisper, "Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?"Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable. "Of course you are!" she said. "And also the best too. I don't know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions."
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park...
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," shesaid. So the young man took her over to the weight guessed. "One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. "I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.
One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed...
One fall day Dave was out raking leaves when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Dave went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse. "My wife," the man replied. "I'm sorry," said Dave. "What happened to her?" "My dog bit her and she died." Dave then asked who was in the second hearse. The man replied, "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well." "Can I borrow your dog?" "Get in line." replied the man.
My wife converted me to religion...
Moe: My wife converted me to religion.Joe: Really?Moe: Yes. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband...
A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police. The officer looked at the guy's photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him."Yes, please" she replied. "Tell him Mother didn't come after all."
A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're...
A couple gets married, and thirty years later they're in the same hotel, in the same room. She takes off all her clothes, lies back on the bed, and spreads her legs. Her husband starts to cry. She says, "What's the matter?" He says, "Thirty years ago I couldn't wait to eat it. Now it looks like it can't wait to eat me."
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said...
Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me get a divorce. The Lawyer says OK, what are your grounds. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with." "What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge in unusual sex practices?" "No," replied the woman, "and neither does the little queer."
Could you please pass...
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile." "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy."
This fellow was screwing his best friend's wife when he...
This fellow was screwing his best friend's wife when he suddenly stopped and sat on the edge of the bed, holding his head in his hands. "What the hell is your problem?" the lady asked. "I feel like a regular son of a bitch, getting my best friends pussy," the man moaned. The lady reached over and patted him on the back. "Well, if that's all it is, you can stop worrying," she said. "You're not getting his pussy. His pussy is five to six inches deeper."
Married life is very frustrating...
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
A wife went in to see a therapist and said...
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem doctor" Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell." "MY dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what problem is?" "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up."
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