Relationships
This fellow dies and goes to heaven...
This fellow dies and goes to heaven. God offers to answer three questions.guy: "Why are girls so pretty?"God: "So you'll like them."guy: "Why are girls soft?"God: "So you'll like them."guy: "Why are girls so dumb?"God: "So they'll like you."
My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday...
My mother-in-law was bitten by a dog yesterday. How is she now ? She's fine. But, the dog died.
Miles Dobson was away from home on business...
Miles Dobson was away from home on business in another city. When he called home, his wife told him, "Miles, they had your name in the obits today.""What! In the obituary column! That's not only disgraceful but bad journalism. I'll sue 'em.""Tell me, Miles," his wife asked tremulously, "wh...wh...where are you calling from?"
On the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob...
On the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home.Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight.When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all thatexpensive champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into theempty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much.He screamed to his wife, "Linda-Sue, you NASTY BITCH, you DIDN'T?!?"
Two Kentucky hillbillies happened to meet in town...
Two Kentucky hillbillies happened to meet in town. "How'rethangs with y'all, Pete?" one asked."Not bad atall," Pete replied. "My old woman ain't talkin' to me thiseyer week...and I ain't in no mood to interrupt her."
What was the first thing your husband said to you...
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"Q: And why did that upset you?A: My name is Susan.
Fulfilling a promise
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought hisashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out onthe counter.Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes,she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember thatBlowJob I promised you? Here it comes..."
Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper?
Q. Is it possible to kill a mother-in-law with newspaper?A. Yes, if you wrap an iron in it.
I used to not get on with my mother-in-law...
I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months I've developed quite an attachment for her.It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her mouth shut!
You're not going to believe this!
A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. "OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he stepps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!"Repairman:"Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"Sent by Ser
Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side...
Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting ."My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next to her."Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?""He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."
A woman and her lover are on the bed...
A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, whenall of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close."Oh, no, it's my husband!"The man says, "Where's your back door?""We don't have a back door" says the woman.The man then asks, "Well, where do you want a back door?"
A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond...
A buxom blonde wore, at a charity ball, an enormous diamond. "It happens to be the third most famous diamond in the whole world," she boasted. "The first is the Hope Diamond, then comes the Kohinoor, and then comes this one, which is called Lipshitz.""What a diamond!""How lucky you are!""Wait, wait, nothing in life is all mazel ", said the diamonded lady, "Unfortunately, with this famous Lipshitz diamond you must take the famous Lipshitz curse!"The ladies buzzed and asked, "And what's the Lipshitz curse?""Lipshitz," sighed the lady.
The most evil thing
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished topurchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for atelevision set in her purse. "Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked."No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so Ifigured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."
The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman...
The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "Allevening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."
The wall clock
One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today.It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."
Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today...
Mother-in-law: I baked two kinds of cookies today. Would you like to takeyour pick?Son-in-law: No thanks. I'll just use the hammer.
Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called...
Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurancecompany ...Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.
So at the funeral home, the widow instructs...
Here's a sick one...So at the funeral home, the widow instructs the mortician to cut offher late husband's penis and shove it up his rectum. The morticianobjects, but threatening not to pay, he relents. Later, at the coffinclosing, the wife bends down to kiss her husband goodbye, and she sees atear coming from his eye. She says "Hurts doesn't it, you son of abitch!"
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice...
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one morestep a car will run over you and you will die."The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him."Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?""I am your guardian angel," the voice answered."Oh yeah?" the man asked..."And where were you when I got married?"
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