Relationships
How about a bridal?
"We'd like a room, please," the bloke said, nodding toward his misses. "We were married this morning.""Congratulations," the desk clerk said, "how about the bridal?""No thanks, just a room. I'll hold her by the ears until she gets the hang of it."
Barry took a girl out on her first date...
Barry took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything.""Well," Barry said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?""No," the girl replied."Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?""N-n-no," the girl replied."You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lotta fun if you're on thelevel about this."
A man was complaining to a friend...
A man was complaining to a friend."I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!""What happened?" asked the friend."My wife found out."
Magnussen goes to a marriage counselor and says...
Magnussen goes to a marriage counselor and says, "My wife isn't as much fun as she used to be."The marriage counselor says, "Do you still enjoy a roll in the hay?"Magnussen says, "As much as the next fellow."The counselor says, "Maybe between you and the next fellow, she's exhausted."
Two mates are having a chat over a beer...
Two mates are having a chat over a beer."Do you like sheilas with bad body odour and bad breath?"one bloke asks his friend."No way!" his mate replies."Well," says the first bloke,"do you like pussies you could hide a watermelon in?""Fuck no!" his mate replies."Well," says the first bloke,"what the hell are you doing fuckin' around with my wife?"
What did I do?
"Oh love, what did you ever do to deserve a wife like me?"she said looking lovingly into her husbands eyes."I don't know, but I promise I'll never do it again."
A man answers the phone and has the following...
A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: "Yes, mother, I've had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult - I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard.Well, you know how she is. "Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her. "You were perfectly right. "You want to speak with her? All right." He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room: "Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!"
The angry wife met her husband at the door...
The angry wife met her husband at the door. His breath stunk ofalcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick. "I assume," shebarked, "there is a very good reason for you to come drifting inat six o'clock in the morning?""There is!" he replied, "Breakfast."
Three acurate guesses
One of the bachelors in the apartment development sneaked upbehind an older woman, covered her eyes with his hands, and said, "I'mgoing to kiss you if you can't tell me who I am in three guesses."She quickly answered, "George Washington! Thomas Jefferson!Abraham Lincoln!"
John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling...
John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says, "See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY!"John replies, "Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over hereexcept on Tuesdays and Thursdays."
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says...
A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?"The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you."The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."
Why is it so hard for women to find kind, sweet...
Why is it so hard for women to find kind, sweet,sensitive men in this world?Because they already have boyfriends!
A bloke came home and found his missus in bed...
A bloke came home and found his missus in bed with three blokes."Hello, hello, hello!" he screamed at them."Aren't you talking to me?" his missus snapped.
A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night...
A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, "What the fuck are you doing?""Just giving you an aspirin for your headache." The bloke answered."But I ain't got a headache," she yelled back."Good then, Lets fuck!" said the bloke.
Daddy, where did I come from?
"Daddy?" the kid asked his father. "Where did I come from?""Ask your mother," he replied."I did," the kid said. "But I don't think she was telling the truth. She said I came from a bucket.""Hmmmm," chuckled his dad. "That's about the size of it?"
The young immigrant couple had just left the...
The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens."It is wonderful," the husband exclaimed. "We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?""Yes, you male chauvinist pig," his wife replied. "Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on top!"
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for...
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna finda fake Jeep?"
It's a sin
"I've had it with my wife." said the one drinking buddy to the other. "I'm filing for an divorce.""Sorry to hear that pal." said his partner. "May I ask why?""I found her supply of birth control pills." said the first."Listen Frank, with all due respect to your religion, I just can't see leaving your wife for what the Church says is a sin.""It ain't just that." stormed Frank. "I had a vasectomy over five years ago."
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than...
Why do women pay more attention to their appearance thanto improving their minds? Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
A cure for atheism
A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriendhad proposed but she had turned him down because she foundout he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell."Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said. "Between the twoof us, we'll show him just how *wrong* he is."
<< Prev 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 Next >>