Relationships
Groundhog Day
"I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife toher husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:"Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that,he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened thedoor, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmedred roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favoritechocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designerdress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfiedthat he had recovered what could have been a very badsituation. His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then thechocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've neverhad a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen...
Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nagat you, what have you done wrong? A: Made her chain too long.
After the fall in Garden of Eden...
After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain andAbel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boysasked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ateus out of house and home."
Watch out!
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying outthe casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"
Harry and his wife are driving in the country...
Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, "Cow For Sale...$5000." He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars." The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a woman. Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow with a snatch like a woman, and it's worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth shit."
Where are my pyjamas?
A man calls his wife and says to her, "Honey, I just got the chance of alifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss. Could you packup my things so that they will be ready when I get home?" "Sure, honey," hiswife answers."Oh, and could you please pack my blue silk pyjamas?" "Sure,honey," his wife answers again. The man comes home, picks up his things andtakes off for the week. He returns a week later, smiling. His wife greetshim at thefront door. "So honey, how was your fishing trip?""It was great..." the husband answers. "But you forgot to pack my bluesilk pyjamas." "No I didn't," said his wife. "They were in your tacklebox."
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day...
Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. Sothey set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually theyend up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at theelephant, sees its willy, points to it and says, "Mummy, whatis that long thing?" His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk." "No, at the other end.""That, son is the tail." "No, mummy, the thing under the elephant." A short embarrassed silence after which she replies,"That's nothing." The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not beingsatisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question."Daddy, what is that long thing?" "That's the trunk, son," replies the father."No at the other end." "Oh, that is the tail." "No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation. "That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?" "Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy. Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."
Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole...
Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked, "Why on Earth are you takingso long to make this shot?""My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one," said Bob."Good Lord," said David, "you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here."
A different father
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. NowI want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?"...The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."...The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?"...Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.Then, finally, she says "You".
Perfectly healthy
"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't getit up for my wife anymore."Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I cando."The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off yourclothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Liedown please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said."Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
Just like my wife
A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.""Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH!" she screamed."Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."
My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting...
My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.
A man sat quietly reading his morning paper...
A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly,he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holdinga frying pan in hand.Man: "What was that for?"Wife: "Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy" written on it?"Man: "Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horseraces? Marylou was the name of the horse I bet on."The wife was satisfied, and appologized for bonking him.Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once againhe is bonked on the head.Man: "What's that for this time?"Wife: "Your horse called."
On a first date, a guy escorts a girl home and asks...
On a first date, a guy escorts a girl home and asks:Guy: Can I come up for a cup of coffee?Girl: Actually, I never invite guys over on a first date.The guy thinks for a minute and says:Well, what about the last date?
Brand new
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to thedoctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin." The doc said, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, held together with surgical wire. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."He pulls down his pants, whips out his splinted cock and says, "Look at this beauty, it's still in the CRATE!"
Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat?
Q: Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat?A: Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed.?.Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge.
What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
Q: What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?A: Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.
How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb?Three. one to screw in the lightbulb, and another to suck my dick?.as I beat my wife!
Got something
"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."Did he get anything." his mates asked."yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."
When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and...
When Joe's wife ran away with his car, his money and his best friend, he got so depressed that his doctor sent him to see a psychiatrist.Joe told the psychiatrist his troubles and said, "Life isn't worth living. I think I'm gonna top myself.""Don't be stupid, Joe," said the psychiatrist. "My wife ran off and left me too, yet I'm happy.""How?" asked Joe."Easy," replied the quack. "I threw myself into my work. I totally submerged myself in my job and soon forgot her. By the way, Joe, what work do you do?""I clean out septic tanks." Joe replied.
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