Relationships
The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment...
The CIA was recruiting for a top secret assignment. They weredown to three recruits, two men and one woman. Only one couldget the position. As a final test each recruit was led down ahallway to a large gray door. The CIA agents say to the firstman, "We need to know that you will do whatever we sayregardless of the circumstances. Take this gun, go into thisroom and kill your wife". A look of shock comes over the man'sface. He says, "I can't kill my wife. I just can't do it. Iguess I'm not the man for this job". "No, you're not", agreethe agents, "You're free to go". They bring the second man to the door and say, "We need to knowthat you will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances.Take this gun, go into this room and kill your wife". The mantakes the gun and goes into the room. The room is silent andafter five minutes the man opens the door, tears streaming downhis face. "I tried," he says, "but I just couldn't do it. I can'tkill my wife". The agents let him leave. They bring the woman to the door and say, "We need to know thatyou will do whatever we say regardless of the circumstances. Takethis gun, go into this room and kill your husband". She takes thegun and before the door closes behind her, she shoots off all 13rounds emptying the gun. The door closes behind her and for thenext five minutes the agents hear loud banging and grunting. Thedoor finally opens, revealing the sweat-drenched woman. She looksat both agents, wipes her brow and says, "Whew! You guys didn'ttell me that the gun was filled with blanks - I had to beat him todeath with the chair!"
The handsome American strode into a department store in Paris...
The handsome American strode into a department store in Paris,France, and headed straight for the lingerie counter. He intentlystudied the array of lacy underthings and the sales lady bustledover to him. "Do you have something in mind?" she asked."I certainly do, ma'am," the American emphatically replied. "That'swhy I want a nice gift."
Guess what?
Guess what? You're pregnant!
Staring down from the bench to announce the terms...
Staring down from the bench to announce the terms of thedivorce decree, the judge turned to the husband and said:"I'm going to award her alimony in the amount of $250 a month." To which the woman's about-to-be ex replied: "That's mightykind of you, judge. I'll try to help her all I can, too."
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see...
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that theobituary for her recently deceased husband is published. Afterthe editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then,let it read 'Fred Brown died'."Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that thereis a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again,counts on her fingers and replies, "In that case, 'Fred Browndied: 1983 Pick-up for sale'."
A couple married forty years were revisiting the...
A couple married forty years were revisiting the same placesthey went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secludedcountryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence runningalong the road.The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we didhere forty years ago."The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, andhe immediately jumped her bones like a bass on a junebug. Theymade love like never before.Back in the car, the guy says, "Darlin', you sure never movedlike that forty years ago--or any time since that I can remember!"The woman says, "Forty years ago that goddamn fence wasn't electrified!"
Good News, Bad News, Worse News
Good News, Bad News, Worse News Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids Bad: You can't find your birth control pills Worse: Your daughter borrowed them
Good News, Bad News, Worse News II
Good News, Bad News, Worse News IIGood: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there Worse: You're in them
Good News, Bad News, Worse News III
Good News, Bad News, Worse News III Good: Your husband understands fashion Bad: He's a crossdresser Worse: He looks better than you
Good News, Bad News, Worse News IV
Good News, Bad News, Worse News IV Good: Your son's finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the woman next door Worse: So are you
Good News, Bad News, Worse News V
Good News, Bad News, Worse News V Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Worse: With corrections
Good News, Bad News, Worse News VI
Good News, Bad News, Worse News VI Good: Your wife's not talking to you Bad: She wants a divorce Worse: She's a lawyer
Good News, Bad News, Worse News VII
Good News, Bad News, Worse News VII Good: The postman's early Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47 Worse: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good News, Bad News, Worse News VIII
Good News, Bad News, Worse News VIII Good: You came home for a quickie Bad: The postman had the same idea Worse: You have to wait
Why did Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley split up?
Why did Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley split up? He wanted children and she didn't want to get a sex change.
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession...
An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:Man: Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife,but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old.Father: When was the last time you made a confession?Man: I never have, I am Jewish.Father: Then why are telling me all this?Man: I am telling everybody ...
What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?
She: What do you love most, my natural beauty or my body?He: Your sense of humor.
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed...
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smokinga cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg isfrowning and looking put out.The egg mutters to no one in particular,"I guess we answered that question."
Twenty men die and go to heaven...
Twenty men die and go to heaven. When they arrive they are toldto seperate into two lines. One for all the husbands that areunder their wives control and they other for those that controltheir wives.After the men seperate one of the angels notices that their arenineteen men in the first line and only one in the second.The angel walks up to the man and asks why he was so sure of hisindependence."That's easy," said the fellow, "My wife told me to stand here!"
Vern, are you going to take your wife Alice...
Friend: Vern, are you going to take your wife Alice on your next cruise?Vern: Yes, indeed. I just can't leave her behind alone.
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