Relationships
Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children...
Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gatheredaround him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room.Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife, "That's it, one last timebefore I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver."Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said, "Sorry Sam, it's for after."
A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises...
A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises frominside the aprtment, walks inside to find his wife on the floorof the living room naked. Wife yells, "help, help, I am havinga heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to call thedoctor when one of his kids run up to him and says "daddy, daddy,there is a naked man in the closet", husband opens the closetdoor and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn it,my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scarethe kids"!!!
Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married...
Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married. Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.
What dreams mean
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamedthat you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. Whatdo you think it means?""You'll know tonight." he said.That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it tohis wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled"The meaning of dreams"
So this guy was out on his front lawn flying a kite...
So this guy was out on his front lawn flying a kite,he was really having a difficult time. The kite wasswinging wildly, not exactly what you'd describe asstable, so his wife sticks her head out the door andsays, "Gee Ralph, it looks like you need more tail." Ralph replies "Make up your goddamn mind, last nightyou told me to go fly a kite!"
If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you...
If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you,what have you usually done wrong? Made her chain too long.
I married Miss Right...
I married Miss Right.I just didn't know her first name was Always.
A pregnant woman is about to give birth...
A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on thedelivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the topof a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and saysto the doctor, "Are you my dad?". The doctor says, "No, I am your doctor!". With that, the baby popsright back inside. "Damn!", says the doctor. A short while later he sees the head pushthrough again. "Are you my dad?", asks the baby. "No, I am your doctor.", he replies. Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother's womb. The doctor turns to a nurse and says, "Nurse, get that baby's fatherin here right away--we may have a situation on our hands!". Momentslater the baby's father is in the delivery room, and the baby's headonce again pops out. "Are you my dad?", the baby asks of the father. The father replies, "Yes, little baby, I am your father!" The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the foreheadwith his index finger--"How do you like that?"
Why did God create man first?
Why did God create man first? So he wouldn't have to be told how to do it.
Science alert
Science alertScientists have just discovered something that cando the work of five men: a woman.
There was this boy in high school that was what you would call...
There was this boy in high school that was what you wouldconsider a nerd. Anyway he had his own lab in the basementof his home and one night he came up and said "Dad lookwhat I made." So he poured a flask of fluid into a pot ofsoil and instantly grass started to grow.Of course his dad was really impressed with this and askedhis son if he can make something to make his penis grow.His son thought for a minute and said that if he did thendad would have to buy him a convertable.Dad agreed. The next night the son came out of the basement and gave hisdad a vial. The next morning his father came to him and toldhim that he had something to show him. They went to the frontyard and the boy saw a cherry red ferrari.The son looked at his dad and said "I only asked for a convertable."The dad replied "the convertable is in the garage. The Ferrari isfrom your mother."
Do you know why single women cannot fart?
Do you know why single women can't fart? Because, they don't get assholes untill they get married.
On their wedding night the husband was so self...
On their wedding night the husband was so self - conscious about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride."That's thoughtful, darling," she cooed, "but we'll need the light if you want to write thank-you notes ."
Golf lessons
A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them areplaying like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, hesays, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!""Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW! He hits the ball250 yds. straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wifewith the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches herswing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard.""What can I do?" asks the wife."Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, andTHUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft. "That was great," the pro says with a straight face. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're supposed to!"
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right...
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in thecrotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally getshimself to the doctor. He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on myhoneymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let itheal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he tookfour tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage andwired it all together. It was an impressive work of art.The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and ontheir honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse toreveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he eversaw them. She says, "You are the first, no one has ever touched thesebreasts." He pulls down his pants, whips it out and says, "Look atthis, it's still in the CRATE !"
The young playboy took a blind date to an...
The young playboy took a blind date to an amusementpark. They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. Theride completed, she seemed rather bored. "What would you like to do next?" he asked. "I wanna be weighed," she said. So the young mantook her over to the weight guesser."One-twelve," said the man at the scale, and he wasabsolutely right. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, hebought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he askedwhat else she would like to do. "I wanna be weighed," she said. I really latched onto a square one tonight, thoughtthe young man, and using the excuse he had developed aheadache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home soearly, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have anice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl.
A man called the undertaker one afternoon...
A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: "Come and bury my wife.""But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker."I got married again," the man sobbed."Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations."
Are you going to take her?
Friend: Vern, are you going to take your wife Alice on your next cruise?Vern: Yes, indeed. I just can't leave her behind alone.
Two wives were airing their troubles...
Two wives were airing their troubles:"I'd like to get a divorce," said the first."My husband and I just don't get along.""Why don't you sue him for incompatibility?"asked the second."I would if I could catch him at it,"replied the first.
A rural Frenchman was on trial...
A rural Frenchman was on trial for killing his wife whenhe found her with a neighbor. Upon being asked why he shother instead of her lover, he replied,"Ah, m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than adifferent man every week?"
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