Relationships
A farmer walked into an attorney office...
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for adivorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said,"Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."The attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmersaid, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, " No, youdon't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, Idon't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you havea grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where Ipark my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do youhave a suit?"The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it in church onSundays."The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does yourwife beat you up or anything?"The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHYDO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningfulconversation with her."
After the party, as the couple was driving home...
After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks herhusband,"Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible towomen you are?"The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the partytonight?"
A wife was berating her husband...
A wife was berating her husband. He motioned for her to quiet down saying, "Don't unleash the beast in me."The wife snickered and replied, "Unlike a lot of women, 'dear', I'm not the least bit afraid of a mouse."
Opposites attract
"You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot incommon," said the new tenant's neighbor. "Why on earthdid you get married?""I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract',"was the reply. "He wasn't pregnant and I was."
What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?
What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common? They are four ways you can lose your house!
A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins...
A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. Shelooks surprised and says, I don't have a headache!" He says, "Aha!"
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to...
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to herobstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "Myhusband wants me to ask you...""I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on hershoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late Inthe pregnancy.""No, that's not it at all," Brenda confessed. "He wants to know ifI can still mow the lawn."
A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married...
A middle aged man and woman fall in love, and decide to get married. On theirwedding night they settle into the bridal suite and the bride says to her newgroom, "Please be gentle... I am still a virgin." The startled groom says "How canthat be? You've been married twice..."The bride responds... "Well you see it was this way: My first husband, he was apsychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about sex. Catching her breath,she says "My second husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to dowas............. Oh God, I miss him!"
I went out with my girlfriend...
I went out with my girlfriend and asked her,"Why is it everytime I go out with you, I end upspending hundreds of dollars?""Because I'm a prostitute."
The three stages of sex in marriage.
The tri stages of sex in marriage- 1.Tri-weekly 2.Try-weekly 3.Try-weakly
A young couple gets married, and the groom...
A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his brideif he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she willnever open. The bride agrees.After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer hasbeen left ajar. She peeks in and sees 3 golf balls and $6,000.She confronts her mate with her findings, and asks for anexplanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you,I put a golf ball in the drawer."She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad. But what about the$6,000? He explains "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls,I sold 'em!"
Emery fixed himself a Scotch while waiting...
Emery fixed himself a Scotch while waiting forMaria to get ready for their date. She came outof the shower wrapped in a bath towel and said,"I'm sorry I'm late but I was shopping and losttrack of time. Would you like to see me in mynew dress?""I would like nothing better." said Emery.
She: Do you think of me when...
She: "Do you think of me when you're away darling?"He: "Yes honey, I always bare you in mind."
One more thing like that
"Great, just what I need," she moaned as he broughthome a new microwave oven. "One more thing that heatsup instantly and goes off in twenty seconds."
I got home from work last night...
I got home from work last night and said to my wife, "You are a one"She said "What do you mean, I am a one?"I said, "If Bo Derek's a ten, you're a one".
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctors office...
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside andsaid, "If you don't do the following, your husband willsurely die". 1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to work in a good mood. 2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back to work. 3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him with household chores. 4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim. On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctorhad told her."You're going to die," she replied.
What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning?
What does a woman do to her asshole in the morning? -Sends him to work.
The room was full of pregnant ladies...
The room was full of pregnant ladies and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor wasteaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan. The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, itwouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with yourpartner!"The room really got quiet.Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand."Yes," replied the teacher."Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"Sent by Katie-Anne
A young couple were married and celebrated their first night...
A young couple were married and celebrated their first nighttogether, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, allnight long. Morning comes and the groom goes into thebathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. Whenshe gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposinghis body for the first time to his bride.Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stoppedand stared and she asked shyly, "What's that?" pointing to a smallpart of his anatomy.He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that'swhat we had so much fun with last night."And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"
Suffering
A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."The counselor turns to her husband and inquires "Is that true?" The husband replies "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."
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