Real Jokes
Brezhnev at his speech
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Brezhnev, a former ruler of Russia, was thought not to be too bright. He comes to address a big Communist party meeting, and starts:"Dear Comrade Imperialists,"The whole hall perked up - "what did he say??" Brezhnev tried again..."Dear Comrade Imperialists,"Well, by now the hall was in pandemonium - was he trying to call them Imperialists? Then, an advisor walked over to the podium and pointed to the speech for Brezhnev. "Oh..." he muttered, and started again:"Dear Comrades, Imperialists are everywhere."
Lenin's silver ruble
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops."It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go."
At a distressed city
|he following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Los Angeles Times, November 24:Banning, Blythe and Barstow no longer qualify as "distressed" cities under federal guidelines, nor do Adelanto, Lake Elsinore, or Loma Linda.But Beverly Hills does.According to a new U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development list, Beverly Hills can apply for about $56 million a year in business development grants reserved for small cities suffering "physical and economic distress."
Bank robber stealing
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.LOS ANGELES TIMES, December 9:A man walked into a branch of the Antelope Valley Bank and handed a teller a note demanding money. The man had one hand in his pocket, as if holding a gun, so the teller began handing over the contents of her cash drawer.When she had forked over $7,000 the robber said, "That's enough" and walked out the door. It's hard to find a bank robber who knows when he's had enough.
U.S. Air Force pilot
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.I have a friend who flew Lear Jets for the U.S. Air Force. He would occasionally be assigned to an air show where one of his tasks was answering questions about his plane. Someone would always point to the fuel tank and ask if it was a missile. His standard answer was, "I can neither confirm or deny the presence of nuclear weapons on this aircraft."
Flying to Frankfurt
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing. Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active." Ground: "Good Morning, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now." Ground (impatiently): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".
Phone keeps ringing
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Phone Won't Stop Ringing? Here's What You Do Leola Starling of Ribrock, Tenn., had a serious telephone problem. But unlike most people she did something about it. The brand-new $10 million Ribrock Plaza Motel opened nearby and had acquired almost the same telephone number as Leola. From the moment the motel opened, Leola was besieged by calls not for her. Since she had the same phone number for years, she felt that she had a case to persuade the motel management to change its number. Naturally, the management refused claiming that it could not change its stationery. The phone company was not helpful, either. A number was a number, and just because a customer was getting someone else's calls 24 hours a day didn't make it responsible. After her pleas fell on deaf ears, Leola decided to take matters into her own hands. At 9 o'clock the phone rang. Someone from Memphis was calling the motel and asked for a room for the following Tuesday. Leoloa said, "No problem. How many nights?" A few hours later Dallas checked in. A secretary wanted a suite with two bedrooms for a week. Emboldened, Leola said the Presidential Suite on the 10th floor was available for $600 a night. The secretary said that she would take it and asked if the hotel wanted a deposit. "No, that won't be necessary," Leola said. "We trust you." The next day was a busy one for Leola. In the morning, she booked an electric appliance manufacturers' convention for Memorial Day weekend, a college prom and a reunion of the 82nd Airborne veterans from World War II. She turned on her answering machine during lunchtime so that she could watch her favorite soap opera, but her biggest challenge came in the afternoon when a mother called to book the ballroom for her daughter's wedding in June. Leola assured the woman that it would be no problem and asked if she would be providing the flowers or did she want the hotel to take care of it. The mother said that she would prefer the hotel to handle the floral arrangements. Then the question of valet parking came up. Once again Leola was helpful. "There's no charge for valet parking, but we always recommend that the client tips the drivers." Within a few months, the Ribrock Plaza Motel was a disaster area. People kept showing up for weddings, bar mitzvahs, and Sweet Sixteen parties and were all told there were no such events. Leola had her final revenge when she read in the local paper that the motel might go bankrupt. Her phone rang, and an executive from Marriott said, "We're prepared to offer you $200,000 for the motel." Leola replied. "We'll take it, but only if you change the telephone number."
Problems during flight
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window.Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light.Finally, she rang for the flight attendant. "I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
Pentagon and pencils
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.GET OUT YOUR 'PORTABLE HAND-HELD COMMUNICATIONS INSCRIBERS'WASHINGTON - When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon shopping list - then it's a ''portable hand-held communications inscriber,'' says a Republican senator.
Writing to Grandma
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A little boy wrote this letter to his grandmother:Dear Grandmother,I'm sorry I forgot your birthday last week. It would serve me right if you forgot mine next Tuesday.With love,Mike
Passing a school bus
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny."Unlawful to Pass School Bus from Either Direction"I guess that some people misunderstood that, because now it reads:"Unlawful to Pass Stopped School Bus from Either Direction".
Televised operations
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.As public television viewers in 12 cities sat glued to their sets while doctors in Philadelphia reconstructed 15-month-old Michele Miller's skull during a two-hour operation broadcast live, the girl's parents, Lynn and Paul Miller of Princeton, N.J., opted to watch "The Wizard of Oz" instead.
Striking statistics
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.The odds of winnning the California lottery by matching all six numbers are 14 times greater than the odds of being struck by lightening, according to Lottery magazine. the figure drops to nine times greater in New Jersey, six times greater in Pennsylvania, and four times greater in Connecticut.
Death sentence cleared
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.In Atlanta, U.S. District Judge Charles Moye overturned a death sentence for a murderer because the jury that convicted him 10 years ago had asked for a Bible during deliberations.
Sudanese government
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.When the Sudanese government showed an interest in buying two Russian transport planes to ferry supplies to famine-ridden ares in the south, the acting Soviet ambassador allowed the Sudanese to test-fly the aircraft. They flew to rebel-held Yirol and bombed the city, pushing bombs out of the cargo doors.
I.R.S. parking tickets
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Boston Globe, April 13, 1990Is there justice in this world? Well, in Jacksonville, Fla., an Internal Revenue Service car parked outside the federal courthouse was "booted" for unpaid parking tickets, forcing tax collectors to fork over $122.50 to set it free.The IRS had to pay $95 for five tickets, a $25 removal fee plus $2.50 for processing to get the boot taken off, said Gertrude Bradley, clerical supervisor for the city parking division.With the tax-filing deadline closing in, courthouse employees were chuckling about the IRS' misfortune. But the agency was not amused."We're not pleased with it," said spokesman Holger Euringer. Yeah, we're all really upset.
Working cards at ATMs
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.One day in line for the automatic teller I overheard:[Person 1]: Gee, I don't get it..[Person 2]: What's wrong?[Person 1]: My card wont work.[Person 2]: Did anything happen to it?[Person 1]: I don't think so... It wasn't working very well for a while, so I rubbed the strip on the back with a magnet to recharge it... Now it isn't working at all!
Hunter shot by fox
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Hunter Shot to Death By a Fox, Belgrade, Associated PressA fox shot and killed a 38-year-old hunter in central Yugoslavia, the official Yugoslav news agency Tanjug reported yesterday.Salih Hajdur, a farmer from the village of Gornje Hrasno in the Republic of Bosnia-Hercegovina, went to a nearby forest Sunday to shoot a fox, Tanjug said.Hajdur wounded a fox in the leg, the agency said, but to spare the skin he did not fire again. Instead, he hit the animal with his refle butt. The struggling animal triggered a shot that hit Hajdur in the chest and killed him instantly, Tanjug said. The fox died later, Tanjug added.
Attorney questioning
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.Scene: A courtroom where a witness is testifying in a case involving a man biting off the ear of another man during a fight. After supplying testimony which was very bad for the defendant, the witness was being cross examined by the defendant's attorney.Attorney: You said that you saw the defendant and the plaintiff in a fight?Witness: Yes.Attorney: You then said that you were concerned for your safety and that, because of this concern, you sought shelter elsewhere?Witness: Yes.Attorney: You further stated that during this time of seeking shelter, you turned your back to the fight at hand?Witness: Yes.Attorney: And THEN you testified that that was when the defendant bit off the plaintiff's ear??!!Witness: Yes.Attorney: Well, that makes for an interesting question then! If your back was turned to the fight then you obviously MUST have had the plaintiff and the defendant out of your field of vision, correct?Witness: Yes, correct.Attorney: Well then, did you SEE the defendant bite off the plaintiff's ear?Witness: No.Attorney: (Smugly) THEN HOW DO YOU "KNOW" THAT THE DEFENDANT BIT OFF THE EAR OF THE PLAINTIFF IF YOU DID NOT SEE HIM DO IT??!!Witness: I saw him spit it out.(Dead Silence)Attorney: No more questions.
Strange headline news
|The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.A bird dropped a snake over a California power station, short-circuiting a line and causing a two-hour blackout.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A Creighton University (Nebraska) Law School senior, told she wouldn't graduate because of a failing grade on a final exam, sued her professor, claiming he flunked her because she is "politically incorrect."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Biloxi, Mississippi, jurors acquitted a woman of drug charges, then passed the hat to collect $55 to pay her bus fare home to Texas.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A man allegedly held up 18 New York businesses after casing the places while filling out job or rental applications. The spree ended after he accidentally signed his real name on one of the forms, police said.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Harlan County, Nebraska, Assessor Floyd Schippert was unopposed in the Democratic primary, and just to be sure, he entered -- and won -- the Republican primary also.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Willie Turner wasn't running for the Dendron, Virginia, Town Council. He didn't even vote. But he won with five write-in votes.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------A Hollywood, California man is accused of renting cars, selling them, then stealing them back for return to the rental companies.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Corpus Christi, Texas, police said it was a hit-and-gallop accident: A man crashed his truck into the back of a car, then fled on the horse he was pulling in the trailer.
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