Politics
Build an Ark
Build an Ark The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark." Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping. "Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord. "Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened. "The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a varience.. "The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals. "The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood. the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. "The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians. "I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years." Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth?" "Right," said the Lord. "The government already has."
A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land...
A lady from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the lady slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her private parts. In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. He listened to her story then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her.She sat and waited for three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry lady demanded " What took you so long?" and he replied "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area."
Ken: So Mr. President...
Ken: So Mr. President did you ever buy Lewinsky any giftsPrez: I don't rightly recall ... actually I did once splash out on a dressfor her
When that fool Reagan said...
When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was a failedexperiment headed for the ash heap of history, I knew he was ademagogue. When that fool Reagan said that the Soviet Union was an evilempire, I knew he was a dangerous kook. When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War byescalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored nuclearannihilation. When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiatedits past, I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius, and that fool Reaganhad nothing to do with it. Because if that fool Reagan was right all along... ...what kind of fool am I? --Jules Feiffer
Did you here what Monica Lewinskys mother...
Did you here what Monica Lewinskys' mother said when she brought home herdress?What,doesn't the White House have any club soda?
Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner...
Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice.Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea.It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my cook".And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
What does Bill Clinton say to prospective interns?
What does Bill say to prospective interns?"Haven't I cum across your face before?"
What is green, has four legs and smells like woman?
What is green, has four legs and smells like woman?The white house's pool table
Did you hear about the new downhill racing skis the ski resorts are selling this year?
Did you hear about the new downhill racing skis the ski resorts areselling this year?They are called Lewin-skis. They are for people who like to go down.
And yet another Clinton joke
They just found out Clinton's been stuffing turf in his underpants.They're for grass roots support.
What did Clinton say when accused of copying his homework from his girlfriend at Oxford?
What did Clinton say when accused of copying his homework from hisgirlfriend at Oxford?I did not have textual relations with that woman.
Why doesnt Hillary wear short dress?
Why doesn't Hillary wear short dress?Her balls would show.
The definition of sex
Hillary and Chelsea were having a deep dish heartto heart talk about Chelsea's college experiences. Hillary: So have you found dating to be fullflling experience? Chelsea: It's okay..but i don't like how the boys sometimes act like real sex hounds. Hillary: Well, uh, have you, uh, actually had sex? Chelsea: Well Mom, no, not IF you define sex the way Daddy does.
How to call penis
At a government affair, the wives of four worldleaders are chatting about how people refer to apenis in their countries.The wife of Tony Blair says in England peoplecall it a gentleman, because it stands up whenwomen are entering.The wife of Boris Yeltsin says in Russia you callit a patriot, because you never know if it willhit you on the front or on the back side.The wife of Chirac says in France you call it acurtain, because it goes down after the act.With great resignation, the wife of Clinton saysin the USA you call it a rumor, because itgoes from mouth to mouth...Sent by Igor
How big is the penis of Bill Clinton?
How big is Bill Clinton's Penis? Not as big as Hillary's
A tough dilemma
Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry,but I'm going to have to let one of you go."Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with anage discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young,white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:"I think I might be gay..."
Capitalist and Socialist Hell
A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there,he saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that saidSocialist Hell. In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly longline, while there was no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So theexecutive asked the guard, "What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?""They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack," theguard replied."And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?""The same exact thing," the guard answered."Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?""Because in Socialist Hell, they're always out of oil, whips, and racks!"
Newt coming out
One gay man says to the other, did you hear Newt Gingrich is coming out?"Really?" the second gay man says, "that's amazing!"The first gay man says, "yeah we're lucky, he's only comingout of Congress, would you wanna sleep with him?"Sent by Patrick
Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear?
Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? To keep his ankles warm.
What has four legs and smells like fish?
What has four legs and smells like fish? Clinton's desk.
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