Politics
What has four asses?
What has four asses?Eight half assed politicians.
Saddam HUSSEIN of Iraq wanted a special...
Saddam HUSSEIN of Iraq wanted a special postage stamp issued,with his picture on it. He so instructed his Postmaster General,stressing that it should be of international quality.The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearingcomplaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and becomefurious. He called the chief of the Secret Service and orderedhim to investigate the matter.The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, andthen reported on the problem to him.He said:" Sir, the stamp is really of international quality.The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!"
Presidential Election worries
Presidential Election'2000Dear Abby,I am a sailor in the US Coast Guard. My parents live in the suburb ofPhiladelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is marriedto a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested forgrowing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my othertwo sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers, onewho is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for rape andmurder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently beingheld in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of incest with his threechildren. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who lives in the Bronx and indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. However her time there is limited, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, at least it would get them off the street,and hopefully the heroin... Abby, my problem is this: I love my fianceand look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want tobe totally honest with her... Should I tell her about my cousin who votedfor Bush?Signed,Worried about my reputation
Only in America do we use the word 'politics'...
Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describethe process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
A worldwide survey has been carried out with...
A worldwide survey has been carried out with the following question:"PLEASE, GIVE US YOUR OPINION ON THE LACK OF FOOD IN THE REST OF THEWORLD"No result was achieved, since the following problems were facedduring the survey's implementation:1. In Western Europe no one knew what is "lack"2. In Africa no one knew what is "food"3. In Eastern Europe no one knew what is "opinion"4. In South America no one knew what is "please"5. In the USA no one knew what is "rest of the world"
George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal...
George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminaland he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with along white beard, long white hair and carrying two stonetablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked,"Aren't you Moses?" But the man wouldn't listen to himand continued walking. George asked him again, "Aren'tyou Moses?" The old man continued ignoring him, eventurning his back on little Bush. George grabs the man'sarm, looks him right in the eye and insists, "Answer me-- Aren't you Moses?" The man replies, "I'm not sayingshit! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roamingthe desert for 40 years!"
Bush as a post turtle
While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle)a doctor and the old man were discussing Bush's health care reform ideas. The old man said "Well, ya know, old Bush is a post turtle".So, not knowing what he meant the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was. And he said "When your driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down."
We, the people of Florida, are holding this election hostage...
We, the people of Florida, are holding this election hostage.When you, the people of the U.S., promise to stop sending usyour old people, we will release your election.
What is George W. Bush's favorite town in Texas?
What is George W. Bush's favorite town in Texas?Kilgore,TX
What does the band now play when Clinton enters the room?
What does the band now play when Clinton enters the room?Kneel to the Chief!
A letter to John Hinkley
Mr. John Hinkley St. Elizabeth Hospital Washington D.C. Dear John, Hillary and I just wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness. Therefore, we want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan. We are well aware of how mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident you will soon make a complete recovery, and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive citizen. Best wishes, Bill Clinton President United States of America P.S. Just thought you might like to know, Ken Starr is fucking Jodie Foster.
An IRS scam
WARNING! PLEASE READ IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS SERIOUS! If you get an envelope from a company called the Internal Revenue Service," DO NOT OPEN IT! This group operates a scam around this time every year. Their letter claims that you owe them money, which they will take and use to pay for the operation of essential functions of the United States government. This is untrue! The money the IRS collects is used to fund various inefficient and pointless social engineering projects. This organization has ties to another shady outfit called the Social Security Administration, who claim to take money from your regular paychecks and save it for your retirement. In truth, the SSA uses the money to pay for the same misguided make-work projects the IRS helps mastermind. These scam artists have bilked honest, hard working Americans out of billions of dollars. Don't be among them! FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW!
The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters...
The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened. When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. "Ma," he shouted, "the results are in. I won the election!" "Honestly?" The politician's smiled faded. "Aw hell, ma, why bring that up at a time like this?"
How many people work in the U.S. government?
One day a boy and his father were at the dining room tableworking on the boy's Social Studies homework, the chapterabout government. The boy turns to his father and asks,"Dad, how many people work in the U.S. government?"The father replies without hesitating, "Oh, about ten percent."
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped...
Late one night, a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the pathof a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs. "Give me yourmoney", he demanded. Indignant, the affluent man replied, "Hey, watch it - I'm a UnitedStates Congressman!" "In that case," replied the mugger, "give me MY money."
Fidel dies and goes to heaven...
Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell. So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No hay problema, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked - St.Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other, "My goodness! Fidel has been in hell no more thanten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"
What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she had sex yet?
What did Chelsea say when Hillary asked if she had sex yet?"Not according to Dad."
A lying cheat
Dear Abby:My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters. They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issue. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught, he denies it all. Then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him.This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat.I don't know what to do.SignedFrustrated ----------------Dear Frustrated: You should dump him. Now that you are finally a New York Senator, you don't need him anymore.
Osama Cave Memo
Osama Cave Memo===============Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours, but we've really come together as a group, and I love that. Big thanks to Omar for putting up the poster that says "There is no I in team," as well as the one that says "Hang In There, Baby." That cat is hilarious. However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave. And frankly, I have a few concerns. First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the scorpions in our cave. Hey, you don't want to be stung and neither do I, so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've posted a sign-up sheet near the main cave opening. Second, it's not often I make a video address, but when I do, I'm trying to scare the most powerful country on earth, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your razor scooter in the background. Just while we're taping. Thanks. Third point, and this is a touchy one. As you know, by edict, we're not supposed to shave our beards. But I need everyone to just think hygiene, especially after mealtime. We're all in this together. Fourth: food. I bought a box of Cheez-Its recently, clearly wrote "Osama" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, my Cheez-Its were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying. Finally, we've heard that there may be American soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them.First patrol will be Omar, Muhammed, Abdul, Akbar, and Richard. Love you lots. Osama
When white man found this land, Indians were running it...
When white man found this land, Indians were running it.There were:- No Taxes- No Debt- Plenty buffalo- Plenty beaver- Medicine man free- Women did all the work- Men hunted and fished all the time The white man was dumb enough to think he could improve on that system!
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