Miscellaneous
Efficiency Expert
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home." "Why not?" asked somebody from the audience. "I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'" "Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked. "Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
A Woman's Random Thoughts
Skinny people piss me off! Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat, now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat." They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.) I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day. I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff. "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"
College Degrees
A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."
Cheap Date
Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Little Johnny's Father asked how much his last date had cost. Little Johnny calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think." "Well," said his Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening." "To be honest Dad," Little Johnny went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."
Anniversary Flowers
A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning. The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary. "And what day will that be?" the clerk asked. Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".
Divorce
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?" "Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do." Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?" "Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"
Definitions By Gender
THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female: Any part under a car's hood. Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male: Playing football without a helmet. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys. BUTT (but) n Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger." Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n. Female: A desire to get married and raise a family. Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female: A good movie, concert, play or book. Male: Anything that can be done while drinking. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n. Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion. Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2and1/2 min.
Cynic's Approach To Love
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it!
Girls are evil
Girls = time * money time = money, therefore: Girls = money * money (*) But we know that money is a root of all evil, thus: money = sqrt(evil) Taking into account (*), we have: Girls = sqrt(evil)*sqrt(evil) And finally: Girls = |evil| Thus, Girls are the absolute evil!
Facts of Life
Women love to talk on the phone. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours. Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut. Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?' PMS stands for: Permissible Man-Slaughter (or at least men think it means that). PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse. The first naked man a woman sees is 'Ken'. Women will make three right-hand turns to avoid making one left-hand turn. 'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in woman-language than it does in man-language. Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading. All women are overweight by definition don't agree with them about it. Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain. If it is not Valentine's Day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, 'What did you do?' Only women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'. All women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the check. If a man ticks off a woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys (which gets them in More trouble). Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking two seconds and lowering it themselves. Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested. Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you? Men can never catch women checking out other men women will always catch men checking out other women.
11 Signs of PMS
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem. 2. You add chocolate chips to your cheese omelet. 3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans. 4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing with everything you say. 5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that reads, "How's my driving--call 1-800-***-****." 6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice. 7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male. 8. You're counting down the days until menopause. 9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy. 10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. 11. Three little letters (M, E, and N) send you into an uncontrollable rage.
Cosmetic Surgery
A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, "Is this it?" God said, "No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live." Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" God replied, "Shirley! I'm sorry but I didn't recognize you!"
Female Laws To Live By
The female always make the rules. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification. No male can possibly know all the rules. If the female suspects the male knows the rules she must immediately change some or all of the rules. The female is never wrong. If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrong. The male must apologize immediately for causing said misunderstanding. The female may change her mind at any time. The male must never change his mind without the express written consent of the female. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time. The male must remain calm at all times unless the female wants him to be angry and/or upset. The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry and/or upset. The male is expected to mind read at all times. The female is ready when she is ready. The male must be ready at all times.
Chinese Couple
A Chinese couple had a new baby. The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, "I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."
Great Reasons To Be A Guy
Your ass is never a factor in a job interview. Your orgasms are real. Always. Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow. Wedding plans take care of themselves. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white shirt to a water park. Foreplay is optional. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Same work.. more pay. Wrinkles add character. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. Wedding Dress $2000 Tux rental $100. 'Nuff said.. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. Princess Di's death was just another obituary. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
Female Stages Of Life
AGE DRINK 17 - Wine Coolers 25 - White wine 35 - Red wine 48 - Dom Perignon 66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES 17 - Need to wash my hair 25 - Need to wash and condition my hair 35 - Need to colour my hair 48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair 66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig FAVORITE SPORT 17 - shopping 25 - shopping 35 - shopping 48 - shopping 66 - shopping DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE 17 - "Burger King" 25 - "Free meal" 35 - "A diamond" 48 - "A bigger diamond" 66 - "Home Alone" FAVORITE FANTASY 17 - tall, dark and handsome 25 - tall, dark and handsome with money 35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain 48 - a man with hair 66 - a man HOUSE PET 17 - Muffy the cat 25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat 35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat 48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat 66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED 17 - 17 25 - 25 35 - 35 48 - 48 66 - 66 IDEAL DATE 17 - He offers to pay 25 - He pays 35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning 48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids 66 - He can chew his breakfast
Fatal Things To Say To Your Pregnant Wife
17. "I finished the Oreo's." 16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds." 15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby." 14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever." 13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl." 12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella." 11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt." 10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!" 9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?" 8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?" 7. "Get your *own* ice cream." 6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today." 5. "Got milk?" 4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." 3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!" 2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water." And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant.. 1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."
Her Age
Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?" Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty your hair, eighteen and your figure, twenty five." "Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. "Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."
He Said She Said
He said.. I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it. She said..You wear briefs, don't you He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune? She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money. She said.. What do you mean by coming home half drunk? He said.. It's not my fault.. I ran out of money. He said.. Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way. She said.. Well, you succeeded. He said.. What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you She said.. Turn sideways and look in the mirror. He said.. Let's go out and have some fun tonight. She said.. Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on. He said.. Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm? She said.. I would, but you're never there. He said.. Shall we try a different position tonight? She said.. That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart.
The Perfect Story
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. * A Male's Response * So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
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