Miscellaneous
Before you criticize someone...
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. Then when you do criticize that person, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
Names to Use in Prank Calls
Names to Use in Prank Calls Hugh G. Rection Jim Nassium Claire Voyence Buster Hyman Anita Moore (Roger's Mom) Dick Peede Mike Hunt Mai Dixie Wrecked Jon Doe's brother Dil
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody
Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and NobodyThis is a story about four people named Everbody, Somebody, Anybodyand Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody wassure that Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, butNobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobodyrealized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everbodyblamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
Notice
NoticeTo make things easier for all of us, please notice this Important NoticeAbout Notices. You may have noticed the increased number of notices for youto notice. We notice that some of our notices have been noticed. On theother hand, some of our notices have not been noticed. This is verynoticeable. It is noticed that the responses to the notices have beennoticeably unnoticeable. This notice is to remind you to notice the noticesand respond to the Notices because we do not want the noticed to go unnoticed.--NOTICE COMMITTEE FOR NOTICING NOTICES
Bloke is drinking at a pub...
Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave, explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit. "Don't be stupid," says the barman, "We've got a perfectly good toilet here!" "Yes," explains the drinker, "but I take salts.""So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the toilet here!"The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet. After a few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges, followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where he sees crap all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into the bar. "What the hell went on in there?!" he demands."I told you," explained the drinker."No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman."That's right," the drinker shrugs, "somersaults."
The Twelve Politically-Correct Days of Christmas
he Twelve Politically-Correct Days of Christmas On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my acquaintance-rape survivor gave to me,TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note...),TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved bovine-Americans,SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (Note: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,THREE deconstructionist poets,TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,...And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Pillsbury Dough Boy wanted for attempted murder
Pillsbury Dough Boy wanted for attempted murderA lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws,and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a womansitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparentlysleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman,her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open.The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said,"Are you okay?" The woman answered, "I've been shot in the head, and Iam holding my brains in."Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store, where storeworkers called the paramedics. They had to break into the car becausethe door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman hadbread dough on the back of her head and in her hands.A Pillsbury biscuit cannister had exploded, apparently from the heatin the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit herin the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt thedough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright atfirst, then attempted to hold her brains in.
Preparation for Parenthood
Preparation for ParenthoodPreparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books anddecorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parentsto take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being amother or father.1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick abeanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months,take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go the local drug store, tip thecontents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist tohelp himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salarypaid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper andread it for the last time.2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple whoare already parents and berate them about their methods ofdiscipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, andhow they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways inwhich they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilettraining, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be thelast time in your life that you will have all of the answers.3. To discover how the nights feel, walk around, the living room from5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. at10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag,until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep,get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 am. Get up again at3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put thealarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.Look cheerful.4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanutbutter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish fingerbehind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers inthe flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains withcrayons. How does that look?5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy anoctopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the stringbag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - allmorning.6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint,turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotchtape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take amilk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Puffsand make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, youhave just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.7. Forget the Miata and buy a Mini Van. And don't think you can leaveit out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't looklike that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glovecompartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassetteplayer. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them downthe back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.There!, Perfect!8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Goout the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again.Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walkvery slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutelyevery cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and deadinsect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had asmuch as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you.Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to trytaking a small child for a walk.9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing youcan find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. Ifyou intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buyyour week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Payfor everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easilyaccomplish this do not even contemplate having children.11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it fromthe ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggyFroot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon bypretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loopsare gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of itfalls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, SesameStreet and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourselfsinging "I love you, you love me" at work, now!, you finally qualifyas a parent.
This guy was driving down the highway...
This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled overby the cops. The cop asked the man for his name and theguy replied, "Earl.""You got a last name, Earl?""Nope. It's a long story, Officer.""I got time."Earl sighs and says, "Well, Officer, at first I was known asEarl Doo-Daa. I was going to school to become a doctor, andI did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD. I got bored justbeing a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated, and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D. After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and got VD. So I was known asEarl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD. When the medical boardfound out about my VD they took away my MD so I was knownas Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD. The dentistry board also foundout about the VD and took away my DD making me Earl Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah soI'm now just Earl."
Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood
Politically Correct Little Red Riding HoodThere once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who livedon the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants thatwould probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time tostudy them.Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred toas "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would havethought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households,although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit andmineral water to her grandmother's house."But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people whohave struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages betweenvarious people in the woods?"Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union bossand gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form."But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womynto oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until allwomyn were free."But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, sincehe's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attendinga special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypicalwomyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender afeeling of community."But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick andhence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn'tactually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way,although that was not to imply that any of these conditions wereinferior to what some people called "health".Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of deliveringthe basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerousplace, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based oncultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regardedthe natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed thatnatural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, butRed Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peopleswould be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as validlifestyle role models.On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, andwandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her whatwas in her basket.Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers,but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, andchose to dialogue with the Wolf.She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gestureof solidarity."The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walkthrough these woods alone."Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, butI will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society,the stress of which has caused you to develop an alternative and yet entirelyvalid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards herGrandmother's house.But because his status outside society had freed him from slavish adherence tolinear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma'shouse. He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative ofhis nature as a predator.Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put onGrandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said,"Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in yourrole of wise and nurturing matriarch."The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!""You forget that I am optically challenged.""And Grandma, what an enormous, what a fine nose you have.""Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn'tgive in to such societal pressures, my child.""And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reactionappropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbedLittle Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could seeher poor Grandmother cowering in his belly."Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "Youmust request my permission before proceeding to a new level of intimacy!"The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax."Hands off!" cried the woodchopper."And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I letyou help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities,which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on collegeentrance exams.""Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! Thisis an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red RidingHood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head."Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and hergrandmother lured me in here. I thought I was a goner.""No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've beendealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowersearlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?""Sure," said the Wolf."Thanks.""I feel your pain," said the Wolf, and he patted the woodchopper on hisfirm, well padded back, gave a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?" Thomas E. Maloney
You know you are in a small town...
You know you're in a small town.....- when you don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going.- if you're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local merchants because you're the first baby of the year.- if you speak to each dog you pass, by name ..... and he wags his tail at you- if you dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway.- when the biggest business in town sells farm machinery.- if you write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway.- if you missed church on Sunday and the preacher sends you a get-well card!
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip...
Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They hadgone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky.Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?""Well, I see thousands of stars.""And what does that mean to you?""Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. Whatdoes it mean to you, Holmes?""To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."
A widow was feeling rather lonely...
A widow was feeling rather lonely and decided that the best thing forher would be to have a companion. So, off she went to the pet shop.She wasn't sure just what kind of pet she'd like, so she figured she'djust walk around until she found just the 'right one.' She went pastthe adorable little puppies, past the playful kittens, past thepreening birds, past the sleeping hamsters, past the whirling gerbils,and past the colorful fish.Nothing really appealed to her and seemed to be just what she waslooking for. She decided to go around the store again.On the way over to the puppies, she walked by a barrel. At the bottomof the barrel was a rather nasty looking toad. When she looked in, heWINKED at her! Our poor widow just shook herself! She couldn'tbelieve it. She rather quickly went back to the other pets ondisplay.Once again, she checked out those sweet little puppies, the darlingkittens, the fluttering birds, the fuzzy hamsters, the sleek gerbils,and the darting fish. Nothing really, really did it for her. She wasstarting to get discouraged. So, she figured one last time around,just in case she missed something.Going by the barrel again, she took another peek. There was thatnasty toad, and this time, he puckered up & threw her a kiss!!This was almost too much for the poor widow and she just aboutran over to the other pets.She tried hard to find just the right one to take home with her, butnot one of those cute puppies or silky kittens or chirping birds orgolden hamsters or skinny gerbils or fancy fish seemed right for her.Totally discouraged by now, the widow decide to go home.On the way out of the shop, she had to walk past the barrel again. Asshe furtively peeked in, the toad just gave her the most beseechinglook, and he had a little tear on the corner of his eye. He evensniffed a bit. This was too much for our widow, she started headingfor the exit in a hurry.All of a sudden it struck her that this poor toad was probably just aslonely as she was. Not only that, but he was so ugly that no onewould probably buy him, especially not with all the other nice petsavailable.So up to the counter she marched, told the salesperson she'd take thetoad, but requested that he be put in a sturdy box. When she got toher car, she placed the box on the seat next to her and proceeded todrive home.As she was driving along, she heard some scratching coming from thebox. She tried to ignore it for a bit, but then thought that the toadmight need some air, so she opened the box a bit. (What could ithurt?)She would glance over at the toad from time to time, and he keptwinking at her and throwing her kisses. She finally thought,"oh heck, what could it hurt?" and she leaned over and KISSED him!And POOF! He turned into a HANDSOME PRINCE!!!And do you know what our poor widow turned into?The first motel she came to!
Temperatures and What They Mean
Temperatures and What They Mean 40 Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming. 35 Italian cars don't start. 32 Water freezes. 30 You can see your breath. Politicians begin to worry about the Homeless. 25 Boston water freezes. Cat insists on sleeping on your bed with you. 20 Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream. You can hear your breath. 15 N.Y. City water freezes. Politicians begin to talk aobut the homeless. 12 You plan a vacation to Mexico. 10 Too cold to snow 5 You need jumper cables to get the car going. Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you. 3 You plan a vacation in Houston. 0 Too cold to skate. American cars don't start. -5 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. -10 Too cold to think. Politicians actually do something about the homeless. -15 Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. You need jumper cables to get the driver going. -20 You plan a 2-week hot bath. -25 The mighty Monongahela freezes. Japanese cars don't start. -30 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button... Below -30 The kids call home from college. End of the world...
The Speed of Time by Age
The Speed of Time by Age 0-9 Extremely slow. Even a trip to the store with Mom seems like going to Albania - by covered wagon. Most common phrase: "Is it Christmas yet?"10-19 Still slow. Scientific evidence seems to show that school clocks actually move backwards just before the bell rings.20-29 Alternately fast and slow. Weekends seem shorter and shorter, yet paychecks seem further and further apart.30-39 Time achieves warp speed, except when put on hold on the telephone and forced to endure anything longer than 5 seconds of Muzak. Most common phrase: "Is it Christmas already?"40-49 Still fast. Seems like just yesterday when Jerry Brown said he might run for President. Wait a minute! It WAS yesterday when he said that. Also, Dick Clark still looks the same. Could time be slowing down?60-69 Hey! What happened to 50-59?70 + Unbelievably fast. Wars used to last years. Now it seems like they're over in a couple weeks.
Important thoughts
*Question: What is one horsepower?*Answer: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.*You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.*Talc is found on rocks and on babies.*The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.*When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when theybroke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.*When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we saythey are orbiting.*Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.*While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really onlycentrificating.*Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.*South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.*Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in thedaytime.*Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezingand boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.*A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.*There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.*There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so muchpopulation stomping around up there these days.*Lime is a green-tasting rock.*Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.*Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.*Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.*Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brotheragainst brother.*Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make outthe numbers.*We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot ofthings people forget to put the top on.*To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.*In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.*Clouds are high flying fogs.*I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.*Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.*Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.*Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.*We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.*Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.*Rain is saved up in cloud banks.*In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.*Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.*A blizzard is when it snows sideways.*A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.*A monsoon is a French gentleman.*Thunder is a rich source of loudness.*Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.*It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.*The wind is like the air, only pushier.
Santa
Santa comes once a year - but when he does he fills your stocking!
What is Michael Jackson's favorite hobby?
What's Michael Jackson's favorite hobby?Blowing bubbles.
What sits at the bottom of the bed and constantly takes the piss???
What sits at the bottom of the bed and constantly takes the piss???A kidney dialysis machine!
What do you call a vegetarian with diahrrea?
What do you call a vegetarian with diahrrea?A salad shooter.
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