Miscellaneous
Polak\'s Wife
A 12-year-old boy comes up to the Polak and says, "I was looking in your bedroom window last night and I saw your wife giving you a blow job. Nyah, nyah, nyah."The Polak answers, "The joke's on you, Johnny. Nyah, nyah, nyah--I wasn't even home last night!"
Signs You\'re On A Bad Date
From Late Show with David Letterman - Friday, November 11, 1994Top Ten Signs You're On A Bad Date10. When you agreed to go out with him he was governor, and now he's just some guy who works in a car wash.9. Every few minutes, his face falls into his eggs.8. She asks you to hold her clothes while she mambos with a guy named Pedro.7. Her Wonderbra's on backwards.6. Just as everything's starting to go great, you're both asked to return to your cells.5. It's costing you $3.00 a minute.4. You order a double Whopper and he says, "My name ain't Rockefeller, honey."3. Waiter taking your order asks, "And what can I get for your sorry-ass date?"2. He's drunk, all hands, and keeps bragging about how he whipped Mitt Romney.1. He won't stop screaming "Pataki!" (reference to New York Governor-Elect George Pataki)
On Gender Differences
The following comments are those of Bill Hall who is a syndicated humor columnist for the Lewiston Morning Tribune in Lewiston, Idaho.Consider bathing, for instance. As a general rule, middle-aged women take baths at night. The men shower each morning. The men like to go to bed dirty and go to work clean. Women prefer to go to bed clean and to work dirty. That's why men usually take their coffee breaks with other men.Women read more boring magazines than men. They read silly, pedestrian magazines filled with articles on making quilts, turning bleach bottles into stunning centerpieces, the use of orange eyeshadow and how to get men to shower before going to bed instead of before going to work.Men read sensible, intellectual journals on how to catch fish and kill little animals.When a man cooks, he keeps his knives sharp. Most female cooks don't. Indeed, most female cooks don't even own a decent kitchen knife, let alone a sharp one.Female cooks offer the excuse that they would cut themselves if they had a sharp knife. And anyone with knives that lousy probably would.There is another difference between male and female cooks. Female cooks generally cook better with dull knives than male cooks do with sharp knives. That's how infuriating female cooks can be.Most women in my age group wear dresses occasionally. Only a few of my male friends do and then only in the privacy of their own homes.The women hobble around on high-heeled shoes. Most men would never do anything that silly. In fact, there is a name for the kind of men who wear high heels. They are called cowboys.Women laugh at men for wearing neckties and coats on 100-degree summer days. They snicker at men for wearing more clothes than necessary in hot weather. However, the women who do that are sweating in their pantyhose.Most women in my age group wear make-up. Very few of the men do. There is a name for men who wear make-up. They are called weird cowboys.Women are far more likely to be lousy tippers in restaurants, and to complain thereafter that men always get better service than they do.Women fold their underwear. Most men merely stuff their underwear into the drawer. Men use the time they save to catch fish and kill little animals.Most women, when lost, will stop and ask directions. Most men in my age group believe admitting you're lost will cast doubt on your manhood. That's why so many macho men are lost. Smarter men prove their manhood by stopping and asking women for directions, even when they aren't lost.There is another big difference between men and women in my age group. A competent man tends to rise through the ranks so easily that he eventually reaches a level where he is incompetent. Dr. Laurence J. Peter has dubbed this process the Peter Principle.Women in my age group tend to be held below the level of their competence, making them embarrassing to work with because they tend to outshine male colleagues at the same level.This is known as the Pain-in-the-Neck Principle. Incompetent men who have been subjected to that humiliation retaliate by refusing to promote women. And rightly so. You don't want people in the board room who don't shower each morning.
Ways A Nerd Can Impress
Top Ten Ways A Computer Nerd Can Impress His Date10. Flash the big wads of tens and twenties you created with your color laser printer and top-notch graphics program.9. Spend an evening playing floppy disks backward, listening for the secret messages about Satan.8. Invite her back to your place to show her the etchings on your Newton MessagePad.7. Let the lady go first when you reach the virtual reality escalator.6. Serenade her with your MIDI-compatible drum pads.5. Have your dinner illuminated by the soft glow of an active-matrix LCD panel.4. If you're getting serious, consider a set of "his 'n' her" system unit keys.3. Drive her crazy by murmuring tender love words with the help of a French-speaking voice synthesizer.2. Never type on your date's laptop computer without permission, particularly if the system is on her lap.1. When things get tough, simply ask yourself, "What would Bill Gates do in a situation like this?
Avoid While Waiting For Date
Things Not To Do While Waiting For Your Date At Her Parents' House10. Sniff the air and say it smells like a bordello.9. Repeatedly zip and unzip your fly.8. Go into a lengthy story about how you had Mexican food last night and ask if you can use the bathroom.7. Mention that 'Mr Happy' is primed and ready.6. Ask what time you should return your date tomorrow morning.5. Recite a couple of bawdy limericks.4. Ask the mom and dad what position they were in when they conceived their daughter.3. Scratch your crotch and say your herpes is acting up again.2. Pretend to eat your arm.1. Ask the dad if you can borrow a couple of condoms.
Feeling Sorry For Him
Two girls are having coffee when one notices that the other girl seems troubled and asks her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious.""Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained."Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him.""Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll miss me."
Learning To Love
A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong."Ohhh, it's my girlfriend." "Oh yeah? What's the problem?""When I asked her if she could learn to love me," he said, "she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education."
Girl Talk
Girl Lingo:The Franklin Factor: Early to bed and early to rise means it's time to meet more guys.The Rat Race: If there's one rat in a room full of nice men, he'll hit on you first.The Eyeglass Prescription: Don't wear your glasses on a blind date. You'll look better, and he will too.The Ring Rule: A watched telephone never rings.The Creep Call: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. It's a call from a creep you told you were busy.The Fishing Forecast: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea. But who wants to go out with a fish?The Psychological Prognosis: Love is a form of temporary insanity curable by marriage.The Rope Trick: Give a man enough rope and he'll lasso another woman.Mind Over Matter: No one ever falls in love with another person's mind at a cocktail party.The Fault Finder: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to move in with your lover.The Unintended Result: 1) Men's desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy; 1a) Men often go looking for sex and end up finding love; 2) Women's desire for intimacy often results in sex; 2a) Women often go looking for love and end up finding only sex.The Rabbit Rule: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.The Dangle Doctrine: You can't keep a good man down.Twain's Truth: Familarity breeds children.The Fertility Factor: Women are only fertile a few days each month, unless they're single.The Preparation Predicament: The longer you spend in the bathroom preparing for sex, the more likely he's fallen asleep by the time you're ready.
Studied For Five Days
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who studied for 5 days?A: He was scheduled to take a urine test.
Polak and Mongoloid
Q: What do you get when you cross a 1-legged Polak with a Mongoloid?A: A Polaroid One-Step.
Reasons For Being Stood Up
Reasons Dates Have Given For Standing Someone UpI showed up early and decided I just didn't feel like going out after all, so I went home before you arrived.My dog died.My neighbor's bird died, and I had to console my neighbor.I figured that probably wasn't your real picture, so I didn't bother coming over.I overslept.I took the wrong freeway exit and got lost, and after 40 minutes, I gave up, turned around, and went home.I know I said I'd be at home at 8:00 P.M., but I went out to a movie at 6:00 P.M. and had such a good time out after meeting some friends at the movie that I forgot all about our date and went out to dinner with them.I had the address, but forgot which city you lived in.Yesterday was the last day of my vacation, so I went two-stepping and ran into my ex there, and we fell in love again during a slow dance, so I can't date you any more, but I'd still like us to be friends.My roommate overdosed and I had to take him to the emergency room.
Response To Roving Eyes
My girlfriend and I were in a restaurant and this strikingly attractive woman in a short black dress walked by.My eyes couldn't help but follow her as she passed by our table.The girlfriend glared at me and snapped, "So, do you want to date her??"To which I stuttered, "Ummmm...1968, perhaps?"
Polak Lunch
There are three construction workers on top of a building having lunch. One Italian, one Polak, and one Oriental.The Italian has a meatball hero, the Oriental has noodles, and the Polak has knockwurst. The Italian and the Oriental are tired of having the same lunches everyday. The Italian says that if he gets a meatball hero the next day that he will throw it off the building. The Oriental says that if he gets noodles tommorow he will also throw it off the building. The Polak says that if he gets knockwurst tommorow he will throw it off the building.Sure enough the Italian and Oriental workers open their lunch-boxes and they find that they have a meatball hero and noodles respectively. They both throw their lunches off the building. The Polak then throws his sandwich off the building.The other guys ask him how he knew that it was knockwurst again without even looking.He responded by saying, "Because I pack my own lunch."
Polak Road Painter
A Polak is hired to paint the lines on the road.On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road.Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was.The Polak replies, "Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket."
Cure For Unemployment
"So you think you could end all unemployment, do you?" asked the interviewer. "And how, if I may be so bold to inquire?""Why, I'd put all the men on one island and all the women on another." replied Paddy."And what would they be doing then?" "Building boats!"
Small Penis
This couple has been dating for about four months, but the guy had been afraid of making any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.Finally, he gets up his courage and takes her to a secluded spot in his car. While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis."No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."
If Women Told Truth In Bed
Many a relationship could be thrown a curve ball if women always told the truth in bed. Imagine the revelation...She: Get off of me, will ya!! He: Whatsa matter, am I hurting you?She: No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me. You think you could hurt me with THAT?!?
Elephant vs Ants Soccer Game
It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle so the Elephants decided to challenge the Ants to a game of soccer.The game was going well with the Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession. The Ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants' goal when the Elephants' left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee stopped the game."What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?"The elephant replied, "Well, I didn't mean to kill him -- I was just trying to trip him up."
Rules For Relationships
For those of you who don't already know, these are the rules that are in effect in every relationship.1. The female always makes the rules.2. These rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.3. No male can possibly know all the rules.4. If the female suspects that the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.5. The female is never wrong.6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a vagrant misunderstanding which was a direct result of something the male said or did wrong.7. If rule number 6 applies, the male must immediately apologize for causing the misunderstanding.8. The female can change her mind at any given point in time.9. The male must never change his mind without express written consent of the female.10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.12. The female must under no circumstances let the male know whether she wants him to be calm, angry or upset.13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.14. The female always gets the last word!(*) These rules are subject to change as the female sees fit. All rules are null and void under the PMS Exception Law
Circus Elephant
There was this guy who bought an elderly circus elephant. Alas, he couldn't afford to feed it. He'd never seen an elephant jump with all 4 feet off the ground. So he started a contest: entry was $10, and the first person to get the elephant to jump with all 4 feet off the ground would get $50,000.All sorts of people tried, but nobody could get the elephant to jump. Finally, this little guy arrives in a limousine. He's carrying a baseball bat. He walks up to the elephant, swings the bat, and crunches the elephants balls pretty badly. Needless to say, the elephant jumps, and the owner pays out the $50,000. Unfortunately, the owner had barely collected enough to cover the prize, so he ran another contest.He'd never seen an elephant swing its head back and forth as if to say, "no." Same deal as before: $10 per entry, $50,000 prize. Lots of people try and fail. Then the little guy shows up in his limousine again, pulls out his bat, and walks up to the elephant. He says, "Remember me?" The elephant nods yes.The man then holds up his bat and says, "Want me to use this again?" The elephant nods his head rather emphatically no....
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