Miscellaneous
Give Me the Bill
Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."In disgust the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?'The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."
Mixed Emotions
Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Baby
Yesterday my daughter and I drove to the babysitters house to pick up my two-year old son. We were about to get in the car to go home when I noticed a baby birds in a nest in a nearby bush.I gently picked up one of the birds to show my daughter and my son. "See? It's a baby," I said, trying to calm down my son, who was scared of the little bird."I don't want a baby, I don't want a baby," he was saying."He sounds just like his father," my daughter replied!
90210
Your Mommas so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale!
Hellen Keller List
Q: Why does Helen Keller have a yellow leg?A: Her dog is blind also.Q: Did you know that Helen Keller had a doll house in the backyard?A: Neither did she.Q: Why could Helen Keller only masturbate with one hand?A: She needed the other hand to moan.Q: What happened when Helen Keller fell down the well?A: She screamed her hands off!You've seen the Helen Keller doll?Wind it up, and it walks into a wall.Ever wonder how Helen Keller could tell the difference between the men's room and the ladies room?She feels her way around.Q: How did Helen Keller burn her ear?A: Answering the iron.Q: How did she burn her other ear?A: They called back.Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?A: You'd run away too if your name was Yeeaawwoaw.(make strange noise)Why did Helen wear skin-tight pants?So her friends could read her lips.How did Helen Keller break her hand?Trying to read the stop sign at 50 mph.HOW DID HELEN KELLER BURN HER FACE?ANSWER: BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES!How did Helen Keller drive her car?One hand on the wheel; The other on the road.How did Helen Keller meet her husband?On a blind date!What's Helen Keller's idea of oral sex?A Manicure.How did Helen Keller pierce her ear?Answering the stapler.What was Helen Keller's favorite color?Velcro.Why didn't Helen Keller scream when she fell down the stairs?She was wearing gloves.What was Helen Keller's speech impediment?Calluses.How did Helen Keller's teachers punish her for talking in class?They made her wear mittens.Why didn't Helen Keller change her baby's diaper?So she could always find him.Why did Helen Keller have yellow fingers?From whispering sweet-nothings in her boyfriends ear.How did Helen Keller go crazy?Trying to read the stucco walls.How did Helen Keller pick her eyes out?She shouted hysterically.Why did Helen Keller stop skydiving?It was hell on the seeing eye dog!What goes ("CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it? "CLICK" is that it?)?Hellen Keller working the rubix cube.Seen Stevie Wonder's new video?He hasn't either.
Lawyers Abode (Classic)
Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to Lucifer.Saint Peter: "This fence needs some repair. I'll see to it that it gets fixed if you will help pay for it."Lucifer: "If you want it fixed, you pay for it." Saint Peter: "The fence is partly your responsibility and you will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount."Lucifer: "Ha!! And where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?!"
Pope and Lawyer (Classic)
The Pope died and went to heaven. When he got there, he found a lawyer in line in front of him at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter came over and told the Pope, "Just a minute, I'll be right back".At that, Saint Peter took the lawyer away.When Saint Peter came back, he told the Pope, "Follow me to your new quarters." Along the way they passed many people in their heavenly abodes, and they happened to pass by the quarters of the lawyer who had preceded Saint Peter through the Pearly Gates. The Pope was awe-struck by the opulence and splendor of the lawyer's quarters. There were fine silks, rare foods and drinks, soft music, and attractive young women to serve him for eternity.Saint Peter and the Pope finally arrived at the Pope's new quarters. The Pope looked in and saw a 6 foot by 9 foot room with bare walls, a plain bed and a Bible for entertainment. The Pope said, "I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I am wondering why the lawyer gets such a magnificent room and I get this small room.Saint Peter said, "Well, you see, we have a great many popes here in heaven, but only ONE lawyer."
Missy in heat
Angela went up to her mom and ask if she could take missy for awalk. Her mom said no, that missy was in heat."What is heat?" Mom said go ask your Dad, he is outside working oncar.Angela goes outside and ask her Dad if she can take missy for awalk, her Mom had said no, that missy was in heat. "What is heatDad"?Go get the leash and bring her here. She goes and get missy andbrings her back on a leash. Her Dad takes a grease rag and soaks itin Gasoline and swips her bottom with it.Now you can take her around the block one time. Angela goes down thestreet and comes back shorty with the leash and no missy. Dad says"where is missy?"Angela said "missy ran out of gas and another dog pushed her downthe street.
Double The Recipe
Q: Why don't blondes double their recipes?A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Little Holes
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?A: From eating with forks.
Polish Pickup Truck
Did you hear about the terrible automobile accident last night?A polish family on vacation lost all of their children. The pickup truck they were riding in ran off the road into a lake and sank to the bottom.The parents got out of the cab OK but all the kids in the back drowned...they couldn't get the tailgate open
Polish New Car Is Busted
A polish guy wins a brand new sports car in a contest. He drives around all the time waving at the rednecks.One day the rednecks stop him, they draw a circle in the dirt and say "If you step out of that circle, we will kick your ass." They pick up hammers and start busting up his new car. They look back and the is smiling. They hit the car some more, and he is laughing.They walk over to him and ask "Why are you laughing, we just busted up your car."He says "I know, but I stepped out of the circle 9 times."
Polish Party
Q: How do you ruin a Polish party?A: Flush the punch bowl.
Polish Battle Ship
Q. How do you sink a polish battleship? A. Put it in water!
Polish Women and Vibrators
Q. Why don't polish women use vibrators?A. It chips their teeth.
Polish National Library
Q: What happened to the Polish National Library?A: Someone stole the book.
New Polish Navy
New Polish navy has glass bottom boats, to see to the old Polish navy.
Measurement of a Pole
An American is walking down the street when he sees a Polak with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick.Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the American wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 10 feet long."The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot American! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"
True Gender of Object
Mirrors are female because none of their reflections are really their own.Stamps are female because men like to lick them, stick them, and then send them away.Windows are male because they're a pane, and because you can see through them.Shit is male because the older it gets, the easier it is to pick up.
Corporate Travel Guidelines
Due to budget constraints, the following corporate policies are announced regarding employees traveling on official business. The policies are effective immediately.Transportation: Hitchhiking in lieu of commercial transportation is strictly encouraged. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on company business trips. Bus service will be another prime method of transportation. Airline tickets will only be authorized for purchase in extreme circumstances, and only the lower fares will be used. If, for example, a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but a lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.Lodging: All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives or friends while on company business. If weather permits, public areas such as parks and parking lots should be used as temporary lodging. Bridges may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.Meals: Meals expense are cut to the absolute minimum. It should be noted that some grocery chains provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals may be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also become familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available enroute to their destination. If restaurants must be utilized, travels should seek places offering "all you can eat" salad bars. This will be especially cost effective for employees traveling together, as a single plate could be used to feed an entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food while on company business. Cans of tuna, Spam, Pork-N-Beans, etc. can be conveniently consumed at your leisure without the unnecessary bother of heating or other costly preparation.Entertainment: Entertainment while traveling is strictly discouraged. If such extravagances are required on customer contracts, the customer should be encouraged top pick up the tab. Such action will save the company money, and will convince the customers that we are concerned about providing a good product, not spending money on useless frivolities. The hospitality provided to customers who will visit our facilities should also be tasteful, yet cost effective. In lieu of extravagant dinners, a picnic bench will be provided in the parking lot, next to the dumpster, and a garden hose will be made available so that liquid refreshment can be furnished to our guests.Miscellaneous: All employees are encouraged to employ innovative techniques in our team effort to save corporate dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that the money raised during airport layover periods could be used to defray travel costs. In support of this idea, "Red Caps" will be issued to all departing employees. Tips can be earned by helping others with their luggage. Also, when you are in a restaurant don't forget to pick up little things like packs of sugar and packaged condiments for our company cafeteria.
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