Miscellaneous
Unusual State Laws
Connorsvill,Wisconsin:It is illegal for a man to shoot off a gun when his female partner has an orgasm.Willowdale, Oregon:It is illegal for husbands to curse during sex.Oblong, Illinois:It is punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.(Trust me if a man takes his wife fishing on their wedding day, he has an even bigger problem.)Alexandria, Minnesota:No man is allowed to make love with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath.Ames, Iowa:A man cannot have more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife, girlfriend, or significant other--- or holding her in his arms.Bozeman, Montana:Has a law banning all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if they are nude.Newcastle, Wyoming:An ordinance specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in-meat freezer.Illinois:A state law mandates that all bachelors should be called "master," not "mister," when addressed by their female counterparts.Norfolk, Virginia:A woman could not go out without wearing a corset. There was even a civil-service job, only for men, called "corset inspector."Merryville, Missouri:Women are prohibited from wearing corsets because the "privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."(This one either makes me want to stand up and scream, "Hallelujah!" or puke.)Helena, Montana:Law mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.Carlsbad, New Mexico:It's legal for couples to have sex in a parked vehicle during their lunch break, as long as the vehicle has curtains drawn to discourage peeping Toms.Florida:State law says that if you are a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you can not parachute on Sunday afternoons.Cleveland, Ohio:Woman aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes. A man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't."Tremont, UtahNo woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. If caught, the woman can be charged with a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local newspaper." The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.
Finding A Penis
There was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it. So he went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.Just then two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this "thing" sticking out of the sand, she began to move it about with her cane. She remarked to the other little old lady,"There ain't hardly no justice in this world."The other little old lady asked, "What do you mean by that?""Well," the first lady said, "When I was 20, I was curious about it."When I was 30, I enjoyed it."When I was 40, I asked for it."When I was 50, I paid for it."When I was 60, I prayed for it."When I was 70, I forgot about it."And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I'm too old to squat !"
Life of an Egg
So you think your life is bad...Just think how bad the life of an egg is...You only get laid onceYou only get eaten onceIt takes 4 minutes to get hard and2 minutes to get softYou have to share a box with 11 other guysAnd the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mother!
Perfect Day
The Perfect Day According To:HER8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses9:00 5 pounds lighter on the scale9:30 Light breakfast11:00 Sunbathe12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe1:45 Shopping2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex - notice she's gained 30 lbs3:00 Facial, massage, nap7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing10:00 Make love11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong armsHIM10:00 Wake up10:02 Oral sex10:10 Big Breakfast11:30 Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters2:15 Enormous lunch3:15 Oral sex3:25 Play sports with the guys4:30 Drink beer with the guys6:30 Meet Claudia Schiffer6:40 Oral sex6:50 Huge dinner, more beer11:00 Full on, get down, gorilla sex11:10 Sleep
International Travellers Bloopers
International Travellers Bloopers1. On a French passenger jet: Live West Under Your Seat.2. In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.3. In a Belgrade hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.4. In an Athens hotel: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 a.m. daily.5. In a Yugoslav hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.6. In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.7. In the lobby of a Moscow hotel, across from a Russian monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists and writers are buried daily except Thursday.8. In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension (???).9. In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today: no ice cream.10. On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.11. Alongside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.12. Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: English well talking. Here speeching American.13. At a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop you trousers here for best results.14. At a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summer suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.15. A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different sex live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.16. In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.17. In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.18. In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.19. At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.20. At an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here (mmm...).21. At a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.22. A Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.23. From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage, then tootle him with vigor.24. In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.25. In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.26. On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcom to it.27. In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.28. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.29. On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finder; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
Soldier's Ambition
An army Major visiting the sick soldiers, went to one private and asked, "What's your problem, Soldier?""Chronic syphilis, Sir.""What treatment are you getting?""Five minutes with the wire brush each day.""What's your ambition?""To get back to the front, Sir.""Good man," said the Major.He went to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?""Chronic piles, Sir.""What treatment are you getting?""Five minutes with the wire brush each day.""What's your ambition?""To get back to the front, Sir.""Good man," barked the Major.He moved to the next bed, "What's your problem, Soldier?""Chronic gum disease, Sir""What treatment are you getting?""Five minutes with the wire brush each day.""What's your ambition?""To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir!"
Senior's Thoughts (Classic)
What are seniors worth anyway? They are worth a fortune, with all the silver in their hair, gold in their teeth, stones in their kidneys and lead in their feet.Well I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. Frankly, I have become quitea frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. I immediately go to see John.After that Charlie Horse comes along, and he really takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up and stays for the rest of the day. However, he doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he just takes me from joint to joint. Finally after such a busy tiring day, I'm really glad to be able to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!!P.S. The preacher came by the other day. He said at my age, I should be thinking about the hereafter. I told him, 'Oh I do all the time. No matter where I am, in the parlor, upstairs, in the kitchen or down in the basement, I ask myself..."What am I here after?"
Flea Cure
Doctor, Doctor. Have you got anything that will cure fleas?Maybe, what made them sick?
Murphy's Laws (5)
Never slap a man who chews tobacco.There are many many more asses in the world than donkeys.Wooden legs are not hereditary, wooden heads are.Free cheese is always in a mouse trap.An ugly carpet will last forever.
Restaurant Specialty
Waiter to customer: "Our specialty is snails.""I know. One of them served me the last time I was here!"
Driving In Fog Riddle
Q: When driving through fog what should you use?A: Your car!
The Hollywood/English Dictionary
VERBS:to schmooze = befriend scumto pitch = grovel shamelesslyto brainstorm = feign preparednessto research = procrastinate indefinitelyto network = spread disinformationto collaborate = argue incessantlyto freelance = collect unemploymentNOUNS:agent = frustrated lawyerlawyer = frustrated producerproducer = frustrated writerwriter = frustrated directordirector = frustrated actoractor = frustrated humanCOMPOUND WORDS:high-concept = low browproduction value = goreentry-level = pays nothinghighly qualified = knows the producernetwork approved = had made them moneyFINANCIAL TERMS:net = something that apparently doesn't existgross = Michael Eisner's salaryback-end = you, if you think you'll ever see itresiduals = braces for the kidsdeferral = don't hold your breathpoints = see "net" or "back-end"COMMON PHRASES:You can trust me = You must be newIt needs some polishing = Change everythingIt shows promise = It stinks rottenIt needs some fine tuning = Change everythingI'd like some input = I want total controlIt needs some honing = Change everythingCall me back next week = Stay out of my lifeIt needs some tightening = Change everythingTry and punch it up = I have no idea what I wantIt needs some streamlining = Change everythingYou'll never work in this town again = I have no power whatsoever
Worst Analagies Written By High Schoolers
Worst Analagies Written By High SchoolersHe spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
End of the World Reports
When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?USA Today:WE'RE DEADThe Wall Street Journal:DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDSNational Enquirer:O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAINPlayboy:GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSEMicrosoft Systems Journal:APPLE LOSES MARKET SHAREVictoria's Secret Catalog:OUR FINAL SALESports Illustrated:GAME OVERWired:THE LAST NEW THINGRolling Stone:THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOURReaders Digest:'BYEDiscover Magazine:HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?TV Guide:DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!Lady's Home Journal:LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!America Online:SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.Inc. magazine:TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSEMicrosoft's Web Site:IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE,DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE
Celibacy Test
Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.*Ting-a-ling*"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves.The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:*Ting-a-ling*"Joseph, Joseph,"sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits."Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."*Ting-a-ling*
Using the Elevator
An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennesse Smokies. One day the man said to his wife, "Honey, you know we're not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die."That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man's old pickup and headed out.When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife, "Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place."When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched the lights flash, the doors open and close and people getting on and off.A stooped over little lady who was 90 if she was a day approached the elevators and pushed the "Up" arrow. The door opened and she got on. The door closed. The lights above the door flashed. They flashed some more and the door opened. The most stunning 24-year-old, green-eyed blonde you've ever seen stepped off and went into the lounge. The son looked at his dad.The dad looked at his son for just a second and then said, "Son, go git yer Ma."
Two Things To Worry About (Classic)
There are only two things to worry about:Either you are well or you are sick.If you are well, there is nothing to worry about;but if you are sick, there are two things to worry about:either you will get well, or you will die.If you get well, there is nothing to worry about;if you die, there are only two things to worry about:either you will go to heaven or to hell.If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.But, if you go to hell you'll be so darned busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry...
U of Berkeley Products
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIXThis is not believed to be a coincidence.
How Many Men Does It Take...
How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?Four. Actually, only one to screw it in. The other 3 are there to listen to him brag about the screwing part!
You Might Be A College Student:
You Might Be A College Student:If you average 3 hours of sleep a nightIf your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn'tIf you go to Wal-Mart more than 3 times a weekIf you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcyIf you wake up 10 minutes before classIf you wear the same jeans 13 days in a row -- without washing themIf your breakfast consists of a coke on the way to classIf your social life consists of a date with the libraryIf it takes a shovel to find the floor of your roomIf you carry less than a dollar on your personIf you haven't done laundry in so long you are wearing your swim suit to classIf you celebrate when you find a quarterIf your room is so cold that your toilet freezes overIf you wear a sweat suit for so long that it stands up by itselfIf your backpack is giving you ScoliosisIf you get more sleep in class than in your roomIf your idea of feeding the poor is buying yourself some Ramen NoodlesIf you can sleep through your roommate's blaring stereoIf you live in an area that is smaller than most mobile homesIf you get more e-mail than mail......THEN YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT!!!
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