Miscellaneous
Laws Of Work
The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Computers - Male or Female
Humankind's propensity for imposing anthropomorphic characteristics on inanimate objects has now reached computers. But, which gender should your PC be?Here are the top ten reasons why they have to be male.They have a lot of data, but they're still clueless.A better model is just around the corner.They look nice and shiny until you get them home.It's always essential to have a backup.They'll do whatever you want if you push the right buttons.The best part of having one is the games you can play.In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.The lights are on but nobody's home.Big power surges knock them out at night.Size does matter.But then again, here are the top ten reasons why they are obviously female.They're oh so picky, picky, picky.They hear what you say, but not what you mean.Beauty is only shell deep.When you ask them what's wrong, they always say 'nothing'.They can produce incorrect results with alarming speed. They are always turning simple statements into big productions.Small talk is important.You do the same thing for years, and suddenly it's wrong.They make you take the garbage out.Miss a period and they go wild.
Rejected Public Holidays
Top 12 Rejected Public Holidays12 Start of Christmas Season Day 11 False Labor Day 10 Make a Move on Your Secretary Day 9 Hallmark Card Day 8 Bring Your Handgun to Work Day7 Newtsmas6 Deadbeat Father's Day 5 Bad Hair Day4 Put Your Daughter To Work Day3 Doris Day2 St. Hooter's Dayand the Number 1 Rejected Public Holiday... 1 Hash Wednesday
Measuring Monkey
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!", says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks."Now what?", responds the patron."Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper."Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!"
Little Johnny- F in Arithmetic
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic."Why?" asks the father."The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'""But that's right!""Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"His father asks, "What's the fucking difference?"Johnny says, "That's exactly what I said!"
Inventing Wire
How was wire invented?Two lawyers pulling on a penny.
Read The Manual Please!
IMPORTANT! READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICECongratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bone-head consumer maneuvers. Which is why we ask you to:PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE.YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT?!?We're sorry. We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days. So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it. OK? Now let's talk about:1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People, who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.Ida Mae really wants that ring back because it is her only proof of engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the question. It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is "Barker",if you get our drift.WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing one single pea-nut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern Europe.Besides the device, the box should also contain: * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's why."WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not Pete.2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug, then the Plug where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other. Your device is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN! Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight, and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICEWARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.INSTRUCTIONS: For results that can be the finest, it is our advising that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!! Except the battery. Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large occurrence! However. If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a very maintenance action, as a kindly (something) viewpoint from Drawing B.4. WARRANTYBe it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warranted against all defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals designed to cleanse it of evil spirits. This warranty does not cover the attractive designer case.WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE
Computer Idiots
Idiocy in the Computer World When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head crashes. "If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we wouldn't have these problems," I said in the memo. One customer responded with "What kind of shampoo do you recommend?"An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline. A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk had been Xeroxed.A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive: "Gee, how much does one of these weigh?"Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk.The operator believed it.I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon. There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up to the counter and queried: "What's wrong with the computer?"Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight in the eye and replied: "Broken muffler belt."A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked: "Oh, that's bad. Can you call Midas?"A few excerpts from the Computer Help Desk:Caller: "What's the name for when you're entering data into the computer?"HD: "Data Entry."Caller: "Thank you!"Overheard in a student computer lab:Client (raising hand and waving frantically): "The computer says 'Enter your name and press RETURN. 'What do I do??"Lab Assistant: "Enter your name and press RETURN."Client (as if a revelation has struck): "Oh!"
Computer Terms
486 - The average IQ needed to understand a P.C. state - of - the - art computer you can't afford.Obsolete - Any computer you own.Microsecond - The time it takes for your State - of - the - art computer to become obsolete.Syntax Error - "Hello, I want to buy a computer and money is no object.GUI (pronounced "gooey") - What your computer becomes after spilling your coffee on it.Computer Chip - Any starchy food stuff consumed in mass quantities while programming.Keyboard - The standard way to generate computer errors.Mouse - An advanced input device to make computer errors easier to generate.Floppy - The state of your wallet after purchasing a computer.Hard Drive- The sales technique employed by most computer salesmen.Portable Computer - A device invented to force business men to work at home, on vacation and on business trips.Disk Crash - A typical computer response to any critical deadline.Power User - Anyone who can format a disk from DOS.System Update - A quick method of trashing ALL of your current software.
Why 40 Years of Sex Life
It seems that when God was making the world, he called man over and bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life. Man was horrified. "Only twenty years of normal sex life?" but the Lord was very adamant that was all man could have.Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years. "But I don't need twenty years", he protested, "Ten is plenty for me." Man spoke up eagerly. "Can I have the other ten?" The monkey graciously agreed.Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years, and the lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten. Again the man spoke up, "Can I have the other ten?" The lion said of course he could.Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years - but like the others, ten was sufficient - and again man pleaded, "Can I have the other ten?" This explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, plus ten years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of making an ass of himself.
Scottish Builder
A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.Old Man speaks; "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo!"Then the old man gestured at the bar."Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!"Then the old man points out the window."Eh, Laddy, look out to sea... Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-thePier-Builder? Nooooo!"Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention and says: "But ya fuck one goat......"
Things You Don't Want To Hear
Things you don't want to hear during surgery:Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"Spot! Spot! Come back with that! Bad Dog!Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?Hand me that...uh...that...uh.....thingieOh no! I just lost my Rolex.Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?Damn, there go the lights again..."Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em."Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!Anyone see where I left that scalpel?This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donor card?Don't worry; I think it's sharp enough.What do you mean "You want a divorce"!She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out of here!
Star Wars Update Changes
Top Ten Changes to the new Star Wars update#10 Tie fighters replaced with black UN helicopters lead by Buotros Buotros Vader.#9 Sand People replaced by Michigan Militia members (and still walk single file to hide their numbers).#8 Kahn turns out to be Captain Kirk's father (whoops, that's from the Top Ten new Star Trek movie changes).#7 Chewbacca now giggles when you tickle his tummy.#6 If you look closely, storm troopers now have Microsoft employee badges.#5 Original Jawas: Killed by Storm Troopers for having R2 and C3P0. New Jawas: Killed for pitching yet another lame JAVA product "concept".#4 Obi Wan's name changed to OS/2 Kenobi. Uncle Owen now constantly says "I think he died X years ago" where X changes between 10 years before to 10 years in the future. Storm troopers now don't kill Uncle Owen but instead appoint him head of the Imperial press.#3 Amiga users upset because the new computers in the Death Star are PC's when they could have been replaced with a single Amiga 1000 with 512K of ram and still run "tons faster and do real multitasking unlike those PEE-CEEs"#2 The Canteen now has real rock stars in it. They look as they normally do but still manage to look more alien than the original aliens in there.#1 Death Star's old slogan: "Fear this battle station"Death Star's NEW slogan: "Where do you want to go today?"
Only A Head
Nine months to the day following their wedding, the Coopers had a baby. Unfortunately, it was born without arms or legs -- without even a torso. It was just a head. Still, the Coopers loved and cared for their child, spoiling and indulging it.Finally after twenty years, they took a much-needed vacation and whom should they meet on the cruise ship but a European doctor who had recently achieved a medical breakthrough. 'I know,' he said, 'how to attach arms and legs to your child, how to make him whole.'The Coopers cut their trip short, rushed home and into the room where the head lay in its crib, and said, 'Honey... Mom and Dad have the most wonderful surprise for you!''Noooooo!,' shrieked the head, 'Not another hat!'
Blind Herbie
Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up in the morning.The next morning she came into Herbie's room to make sure he'd prayed hard the night before.'Well then, open your eyes and you'll know that your prayers have been answered.'Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out, 'Mother! Mother! I still can't see!''I know, dear,' said his mother. 'April Fool!'
Went Fishing, Got Caught
A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off.A week later he returns.His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?"He says: " Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."His wife smiles and says, "Oh no I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"
Timbucktoo
It seems that two of the great Romantic British Poets, Shelly and Keats died on the same day.When they got to heaven St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I only have room for one poet. I'll tell you what I'll do. Each of you must make up a poem using the word 'Timbuctoo.' The one who creates the best poem I'll let into heaven."So Shelly goes first. He thinks a bit and after a few moments, he starts, "I stood upon the burning sand gazing at a far off land. A caravan came into view it's destination: Timbuctoo.""Very good!" says St. Peter, "Keats it's your turn. Do you think you can top that one?"Keats just smiled and started his poem: "Tim and I a hunting went, and found three maidens in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuctoo."
Shipwrecked Saga -Dog and Man
A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a desert island. After exploring the island, he discovers that the only other inhabitants on the island are a flock of sheep. After many months he realizes how difficult life is without having a woman by his side. He momentarily considers pleasuring himself with a sheep, but the horror of the thought soon draws him back to his senses.A few months later, he can take it no more, and starts to stalk a particularly comely sheep. As he is about to do the dastardly deed, however, his dog grabs him by the leg and prevents him from going ahead. After some initial anger, he thanks the dog for keeping him on the straight and narrow.This pattern continues for some years, when the man is not so much thankful for the hound's intervention, as downright irritated. Try as he might to sneak off to the sheep whenever the canine isn't looking, his faithful friend always hunts him down whenever he approaches the woolly flock.Then one day, fate intervenes, and the man sees a yacht drop anchor in the bay. Soon he sees a very attractive young woman alighting from the yacht and stepping ashore. Soon he is with her, introducing himself."You're the first man I've seen after months at sea," she coos. "I'll do anything you want."Deep inside, the man is beside himself with joy. His prayers have been answered."Great," he says. "Will you walk my dog for me?"
The Bobbit Hillbillies
Sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies"Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John,A poor ex-marine with little fraction gone,It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.Penis, that is.Clean Cut. Missed his nuts.Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,And Lorena's in the car taken' Willie for a ride.She soon got tired of her purple-headed friendAnd tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend.Curve, that is.Tossed the nub. In the shrub.She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "Over there"To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.Found, that is.By a fence. Evidence.Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too longSo a dick doc said, "Hey, I can fix that dong!""A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need"And the whole world waited till they heard thatJohnny peed.Whizzed, that is.Even seam. Straight stream.Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to courtWith a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.Video, that is.Unexposed. Case Closed.Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?
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