Miscellaneous
Courtroom Chaos
A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said, "Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?"The judge's face went red and he roared, "It most certainly would not! I'd add another two years onto your sentence!"The defendant nodded and then asked, "Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?"The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied, "Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts."The defendant smiled and said, "Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!"
Marriage Secrets...
Secret tips for making a marriage last...My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, goodfood and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.4. I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?""Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down !"So I bought her an electric chair.7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?"The driver said, "No, jump in!"
Blonde AND Polish!
A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but can't afford to buy a ticket to go home.The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her."I'll hide you away on my ship on one condition.You have to have sex with me when I ask."She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her he'll bring her food and water and she'll just have to stay hidden because she'll be in big trouble if she's caught.So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells "STOWAWAY!"Scared she explains: "Dont be mad at me sir. One of your sailors stowed me away to take me home to Poland, and is having sex with me for payment!""No kidding? Lady... this is the Staten Island Ferry!"
Keep fit... die healthy.
What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?They both have wet noses!
Laws of ...
* Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.* Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.* Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.* Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.* The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.* Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.* First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.* Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.* Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.* Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.* Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.* The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.* Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.* Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.* Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.* Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.* Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.
Hippie in a Bar
This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks it's a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep, "I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove."So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says, "Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here."The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter. "Anything else," he questions. The hippie replies, "Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove."Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells, "Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here!"So the barkeep returns to the hippie. "That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right?" "Yeah," the hippie says, "but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove."The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie."You can kiss my ass! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!"
Goofy Wundermints!
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you complain to?In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?How come there aren't B batteries?If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at 1000's of times per minute, then why do they give it to a little old man on a bike to deliver?If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you have tried some of the others?How do you throw away a garbage can?How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
The damn ham
Once there was a preacher's wife who went into a bakery and asked the butcher waht the daily special was. He said it was the "damn ham."She immediatly started yelling at the top of her lungs."HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER'S WIFE!"The butcher was totally taken back by this while he wimpered, "Oh, no ma'am it's called the 'damn ham.'" She bought one of the hams.Later that day when the preacher got home he smelled the ham cooking and asked his wife what it was. She replied that it was the "damn ham." He also immediatly started yelling at the top of his lungs."HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THAT I'M THE PREACHER!"She was also taken back by this and wimpered that it was the "damn ham."At dinner that night they were eating dinner with their kids and they, too, asked what this delicoius meal was. Their father (the preacher) said that it was the "damn ham."Their son was quite happy with this. In fact he said, "That's the spirit, Dad, now pass the fucking potatoes."
The beach
How did the sand get wet?The sea weed!
Blondes
A blonde and a brunette are taking a walk, and the burnette goes, "Oh look, a dead bird," and the blonde looks up at the sky and goes, "Where?"
Orange and Banana
Knock Knock!Who's there?Banana!Banana who?Knock Knock!Who's there?Banana!Banana who?Knock Knock!Who's there?Banana!Banana who?Knock Knock!Who's there?Orange!Orange who?Orange you glad I didn't say Banana!
Famous Beer Quotes!
Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years...I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in themorning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.--Frank SinatraThe problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.--William Butler YeatsAn intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.--Ernest HemingwayAlways do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.--Ernest HemingwayYou're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.--Dean MartinDrunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.--AnonymousNo animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.--G.K. ChestertonTime is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.--Catherine ZandonellaAbstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.--Ambrose BierceReality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.--AnonymousDrinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.-- Ross LevyA woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency tothank her.What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?--W.C. FieldsBeauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.--AnonymousIf God had intended us to drinkbeer, He would have given us stomachs.--David DayeWork is the curse of the drinking classes.--Oscar WildeWhen I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.--Henny YoungmanLife is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.--Michelle MastrolacasaI'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.--Tom Waits24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?--Stephen WrightWhen we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...--Brian O'RourkeYou can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - ithelps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.--Frank ZappaAlways remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcoholhas taken out of me.--Winston ChurchillHe was a wise man who invented beer.--PlatoBeer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.--Benjamin FranklinIf you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.--Deep Thought, Jack HandyWithout question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.--Dave BarryThe problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.--Humphrey BogartWhy is Australian beer served cold?So you can tell it from urine.--David MoultonGive me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.--Kaiser WilhelmI would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.--Homer SimpsonNot all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen andoxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vitalingredient in beer.I drink to make other people interesting.--George Jean NathanAll right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.--Homer Simpson
Masturbation
Why do men masturbate? Because they want to have sex with someone they love.
BAAAAH!
Once there was this brunette who was driving her corvette with the wind in her hair.She looked and she saw a farmer with a flock of sheep so she drove over and asked the farmer "if I can guess how many sheep in you're flock will you give me a sheep."The farmer says "OK".The brunette says "485".The farmer says "that's right but if I can guess you're natural hair color can I have my sheep back".the brunette says "OK".The farmer says "blonde".The brunette says how did you know.The farmer says you just picked the dog.
Yo mamma!!!
-I went into your house, took a booger of the wall and yo mamma told me not to touch the family portrait.YO MAMMA'S SO FAT:-she was mistaken for god's bowling ball.-when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up-she had to go to Sea World to get babtised-she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth-her favorite dress is a tent-she left home with highheels and came back with flip-flops-she has to iron her pants on the driveway-she needs a building permit for her girdle-she needs a hula-hoop for a belly button ear ring-she puts on tampons with a bazooka-she has to put lipstick on with a paint roller-she had to get her ears pierced with a harpoon-she sat on a rainbow and and Skittles came out-she sat on a quarter and got 2 dimes and a nickel-she rolled over 4 quarters and made it a dollar-when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose-the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs
In your Face!!!
A kid is walking down the road, when a car pulls up next to him.The man in the car opens the window and asks the kid if in return for a sweet he will come in his car.To which the boy replies "GIVE ME A FIVER AND I'LL COME IN YOUR FACE"!!!!
Van and the Queen
Van der Merwe is invited to have lunch with the Queen. While sitting at her table he says to her: "Jis you know Queen you have got such a nice house, and you know Queen your clothes are so nice and you know Queen your food is bakgat!" The Queen gets pissed off with this Queen bit and says to Van. "Mr Van der Merwe, you should not be calling me Queen this and Queen that the correct title is "Your highness". Van says, " ..jis that is unbelievable, my brother's name is also Johannes and he is also a queen!"
It's the same thing!
There was a new girl in school, when asked her name, she replied "Happy-Butt". When hearing this, the teacher said, "Go straight to the principal young lady." At that, she went to the principal. He asked her why she was in the office, and she said "The teacher sent me hear so you can find out my real name." He said "well, what is your name?" she said "My name is Happy-Butt" He said "That's not a name, I'm looking it up in the computer RIGHT NOW!" So he looks in the computer, and he says "it lists here that your name is Gladys." She said "Exactly, Happy-Butt, Glad-Ass... SAME THING!"
Revocation of Independence
To the citizens of the United States of America:In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium" . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for "shit"8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.Thank you for your cooperation.
Fred and Harry
Two friends, Fred and Harry were golfing one fine day.Toward the end of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods.Harry, laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond where Fred has hit his.Fred looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute.Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch smashing the weeds to pieces.All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?!Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life... better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"Then POOF!...she was gone.After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!....Harry!...where are you?"Harry yells, "I hit my ball in these damn pussywillows!"Fred screams back....."DON'T SWING! FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T SWING!
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