Miscellaneous
Indian Humor
The privilege of naming all the children of the tribe always fell to the chief.One day a small Indian boy asked him how he chose the names for all the children."Well, my son," the chief replied, "When I step out of my tepee, I name each child after the first thing I see."For instance, when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a pale moon rising, I say - you shall be called, Pale-Moon-Rising.""And when a child is born and I step out of my tepee and see a hawk flying over, I say - you shall be called, Hawk-Flying-Over.""So why do you ask, Big-Dog Pooping?"
Girlfriend
You might be a redneck when you say ho-down and your girlfriend hits the ground.
The talking banana
Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator??A: Why the hell are you shaking? Shes gonna eat me!
what\'s the difference...
What's the difference between a white owl and a black owl?A white owl goes WHO WHO WHO A black owl goes WHODAT WHODAT WHODAT
The skeleton
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?He didn't have the guts!
Yo Momma\'s So Fat
Yo momma's so fat her butt looks like two pigs fighting over a Milk Dud!!
Helen Keller\'s Baby
Why didn't Helen Keller ever change her baby?She could find it!
The Blonde Driver
A State Trooper pulls a car over on a lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver."Ma'am, is there a reason that you're weaving all over the road?"The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!I almost had an accident!I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me.I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me.I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the officer replied, -"Ma'am... that's your air freshener!"
Murder
A police detective was investigating a homicide. As he questioned the on-scene officer, he learned the body was that of a young woman. The body was found with a bowl over her head and a spoon stuck in her back.The on-scene officer asked what the detective thought had happened to the woman.The detective responded, "I think it's obvious. A cereal killer got her!"
The Blond and the Brunette.
There was a Blond and a Brunette on an airplane.All of a sudden the engine blew and they started to crash!There was only one parachute and a flashlight.The Brunette grabbed the parachute and the flashlight and said to the blond, "Ok, This is a magic flashlight, I will shine it on the ground and you can slide down the beam of light! Then I will follow you with the parachute."The blond looked at her sceptically and said, "Do you think I am that dumb? I know when I am halfway down you're gonna turn it off!"
Name It
After a hot, hard day's work Joe went into a bar to quench his thirst. He walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer.The bartender replied "There's one thing every man has to do here before getting served. You have to tell me the name of your penis."Joe thought it was a bit silly and asked the bartender what he named his. The bartender said " I named mine Nike...like you know...just go for it!"So he thought about it for a few minutes then said " I got one...Secret." The bartender said "Why Secret?" Joe said "Well...it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."
Another Dog With No Legs
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?A: It don't matter what you call him, he ain't commin'!
Roadkill again?
Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?A: Three. One to eat it and two to watch for cars.
The Panda Bear
A panda bear walks into a bar, and tells the bartender that he wants to have lunch. The bartender gives him a menu and he orders.The panda bear eats his lunch, and when he finishes, he gets up to leave. Suddenly, the panda bear pulls an AK-47 out of his fur, and shoots the bar to pieces. He then heads for the door.The shocked bartender jumps out from behind the destroyed bar and yells, "Hey, what do you think you're doing? You ate lunch, shot up my bar, and now you're just going to leave?"The panda bear answers calmlly, "I'm a panda bear." The bartender says, "Yeah, so?" The panda bear replies, "Look it up," and walks out the door.The bartender jumps back behind the ruined bar and grabs his encyclopedia. He looks up "panda bear," and sure enough, there is a picture of the panda bear.He reads the caption, which says, "Panda Bear--a cuddly, black and white creature. Eats shoots and leaves."
For the man I love.
A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis. After the second week, he made his move."No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."That must be rather difficult." the man replied."Oh, I don't mind too much." she said."But, it has my husband pretty upset."
Who\'s perfect.
There are 3 people walking down the street: the perfect man, the perfect woman, and Mickey Mouse. They see a $50 bill on the street. Who picks it up?The perfect woman (naturally), because the other two are fictional characters!
Nuns at the Gate
So, four nuns die at about the same time, and are waiting at the pearly gates to consult St. Peter. He says, "Next!"He asks the first nun, "Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask this: Have you ever come in contact with a penis?"The first nun says, embarrased, "Well, I was a nurse for a while, Mr. Peter, so, yes, I had to touch a few penises in my time..."St. Peter says, "No problem! Just wash your hands out in that there fountain of holy water, and go right in!" So the nun washes her hands, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the first nun walks right in.Then St. Peter asks the second nun, "Have you ever come in contact with a penis?"The second nun says, embarrassed, "Well, once I was trying to convert some people, and I wandered into a movie theater by accident. There was a penis on the screen...""Not to worry!" laughs St. Peter. "Just wash your eyes out in the fountain of holy water over there, and you're set!" So the nun washes her eyes, and the gates spring open, the music plays, and the second nun walks right in.Then St. Peter begins to ask the third nun. "Have you ever come in cont..."Suddenly, the fourth nun interrupts! "Um, Mr. Peter, I reeeaaaallly have to go first!""Be patient, child, you'll have your turn," says St. Peter. He turns to the third one again. "Now, have you ever come in contact with...""Mr. PETER!!!!" The fourth one screams. "I REALLY have to go first." "I'll ask you in just a moment! I have to ask this young lady first!""NO WAY!" the fourth one says, practically fuming. "I'm not gonna was out my mouth in that fountain after she washes her ass out in it!!"
My boy(s) Leroy!
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?""Ten," she replied."What are their names?" he asked."LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and LeRoy," she answered."They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?""Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in.""And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?""I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered."But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked."Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
Girl from Wenatch-Limmerick
Limmerick of the Day:There once was a girl from Wenatch, She tried to get it on with a match, She got so excited, The damn thing ignited, And burned all the hair off her snatch!
Positive Outlooks on Life...
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.For every action, there is equal and opposite criticism.He who hesitates is usually right.Never do card tricks with the group you play poker with.No one is listening until you make a mistake.Success is always done in private, and failure in full view.The colder the X-ray table, the more body is required on it.The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.To steal from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.Two wrongs are only the beginning.You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.The problem with the gene pool is that there are no life-savers.Monday is the worst way to spend 1/7th of your life.The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.If you must pick between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.Change is inevidable - except from vending machines.Don't sweat petty things, or pet sweaty thingss.A fool and his money will soon be partying.Money can't buy love - but it can rent a very close imitation.Plan to be spontanious tomorrow.If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least it's a scenic route.'I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize...'Everyone repeat after me..."we are all individuals..."Death to all fanatics!!Don't be sexist - chicks hate that!Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.Bills travel throught the mail at twice the speed of checks...Hard work pays off later - laziness pays off now.Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked in jet enginesBorrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.If at first you don't succeed, than skydiving definately is not for you.
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