Miscellaneous
If a vegetarian eats vegetables...
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Politically correct seasons greetings
POLITICALLY CORRECT SEASONS GREETINGS Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, our best wishes For an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,non-addictive, gender neutral, celebration of the northern hemispheresummer solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of thereligious persuasion of your choice, or secular practice of your choice,with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions ofothers, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. And a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medicallyuncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2005,but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great, andwithout regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, sexual orientation or choice of computer platform andoperating system of the wishee. By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms: 1. The greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.2. It is freely transferable with no alteration the original greeting.3. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others.4. It is void where prohibited by law, and5. It is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected with the usual applicationof good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty islimited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at thesole discretion of the wisher. Disclaimer:The color blue has not intentionally been omitted from this season. Blue has never applied for recognition as an official colour of this particular holiday observance and I neither oppose nor endorse theuse of the color blue.
The Sexy Secretary.
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!""Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse."Look what he did to my tits!"
Upgrade to Wife 1.0
Dear Tech Support:I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure.In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesn't work on this program.Can you please help!Joe.Dear Joe,This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but haveended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\ IAPOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\ I APOLOGISE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.Best of luck!Tech Support
Christmas Humor
Knock, knock?Whos there?Megan and chickenMegan and chicken who?He's megan a list and chicken it twice, he's gonna find out whos naughty and nice...
Behold I Cometh!
A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, and was preaching his first sermon. In the seminary, they had taught him that if he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it would come back to him.He started out with a quote, "Behold, I cometh....." but he couldn't remember the rest of it.So he trys to regain his composure, backs up an starts again... "Behold I cometh..." but he still couldn't remember.So he rears back and shouts again, "Behold I cometh! ..." but this time he trips over the pulpit and falls right into the lap of a little old lady sitting the front row!He was embarassed and started apologizing, but before he could finish the woman muttered..."It isn't your fault sonny - you told me you were coming three times... I should have moved!"
Leave It To The Kids
A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"She replied, "Im having a baby."With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"She said, "He sure is."Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked..."Then why did you eat him?"
Mixed Not!
Q: Why dont mexicans and blacks have children together?A: They're afraid the kids will grow up too lazy to steal.
St. Patrick's Day
What's the difference between St. Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?On St. Patrick's Day everyone wishes they were Irish.
Pick-Up Lines Galore!
I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.(Lick finger and wipe on shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.Nice legs....what time do they open?Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.You've got 206 bones in your body, want 1 more?I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a BIG BREASTED BED THRASHER, have you seen one?I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest women on earth tonight.Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille name tag.I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.Is that a ladder in you stockings or the stairway to heaven?You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.My friend wants to know if YOU think I'm cute?
Reflections on Life
George Carlin's Reflections on Life:1. Never raise your hands to you kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but going faster is a maniac?9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is!10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too!"15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
You're gonna croak!
A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill.The doctor says, "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king!"She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen.She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise.Well, the husband is wide-awake watching the clock. He knows that he is doomed. He taps her... "Honey?" he whispers.She rolls over and again proceeds to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore.Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers.She rolls over and yells, "Oh sure!...You're not the one that has to get up in the morning!!!
Loving it up at 85!
At 85 years of age, a somewhat senile Morris marries Luanne, a lovely 25-year-old.Because her new husband is so old, Luanne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.After the wedding festivities, Luanne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door.Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Luanne, and she prepares to go to sleep.After a few minutes, Luanne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Luanne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Luanne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves. Luanne is set to go to sleep again.However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, andthere he is again... Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, you have enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once.You're a great lover, Morris!"Morris, looking somewhat befuddled, turns to Luanne and says..."WHAT?...You mean I was here already?!"
The Enchanted Snake
It was spring in the old west.The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake."Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted..."Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!
Granny and the Cop.
An elderly couple were driving across the country.The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"The woman gave the officer her license.The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"
Santa's Reindeer
Santa's Reindeer are girls and here's the proof:According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, each year male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.Therefore, according to every historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer,every single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen . . . had to be a girl!We should've known. Only women would be able to drag a fatman in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night, and not get lost!
Before it starts...
A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts!"The wife sighs and gets him a beer.Ten minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts!"She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore..."The man sighs and says, "It's started..."
Zen Quotes
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone.2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.15. Don't squat with your spurs on.17. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.18. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.19. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.20. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
The Very Special Parrot!
A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife.So he asked the salesman for some assistance. The salesguy brought the man to a parrot in the back."Now this is the perfect pet for your wife, Chet is an very special animal" the salesman said."What makes him so special?" the man asked.The salesman took a lighter from his pocket and held it under the Chet's right foot, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells.." and then the salesman held the lighter under is left foot and Chet started to sing "Deck the halls..."So the man asked, "What happens if you hold the lighter between his feet?""Well I don't know" answered the salesman.So he holds the lighter between the parrot's legs and instantly Chet began to sing..."Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire..."
This little Piggy!
A pig walks into a bar and orders a beer. After drinking it, he hops off the bar stool, pees on the floor and leaves.Another pig comes in, drinks his beer, pees on the floor and leaves.A third and forth piggy come in and do the same exact thing.Finally, a fifth piggy comes in to the bar and orders a beer. After finishing his beer, he gets off the bar stool and begins to walk out the door.Before reaching the door, the bartender yells - "Hey Pig...aren't you going to pee on the floor like the others?"To which the pig replies - "No you idiot! Everyone knows that the last little piggy goes WEE WEE WEE - all the way home!"
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