Miscellaneous
Spell it Bubba!
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away."Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"There was a long pause and finally Bubba said... "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"
Actual Court Sayings!
30 things people actually said in courtQuestion1. Q: What is your date of birth? A: July 15th Q: What year? A: Every year.Question2. Q: What gear were you in the moment of impact? A: Gucci sweets and Reeboks.Question3. Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have forgotten?Question4. Q: How old is your son, the one living with you? A: 38 or 35, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: 45 yearsQuestion5. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A My name is Susan.Question6. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximatly milepost499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 and500.Question7. Q: Sir, What is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.Question8. Q: Did you blow your horn or anything? A: After the accident? Q: Before the accident. A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.Question9. Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult? A: We both do. Q: Voodoo? A: We do. Q: You do? A: Yes, Voodoo.Question10. Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendent, were you red and blue lights flashing? A: Yes Q: Did the defendent say anything when she got out of her car? A: Yes sir Q: What did she say? A: What disco am I at?Question11. Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?Question12. Q: The youngest son, the 22 year old, how old is he?Question13. Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?Question14. Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?Question15. Q: Did he kill you?Question16. Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of collision?Question17. Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?Question18. Q: How many times have you committed suicide?Question19. Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? A: Yes. Q: What were you doing at the time?Question20. Q: She had three children right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: none. Q: Were there any girls?Question21. Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement? A: yes Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?Question22. Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather eleborate honeymoon, didnt you? A: I went to Europe, Sir. Q: And you took your new wife?Question23. Q: How was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated?Question24. Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.Question25. Q: Can you describe the individual? A: He was about medium height and had a beard. Q: Was this a male or female?Question26. Q: Doctor how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.Question27. Q: All your responses must be oral, OK,? What school did you go to? A: OralQuestion28. Q: Do you recall the time you examined the body? A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.Question29. Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?Question30. Q:Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So it was possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brains was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patien have still been alive nevertheless? A: It is possible that he coulkd have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
Joining the Lord\'s Army.
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!" My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
New Workplace Terminoloy to Learn!
BLAMESTORMING - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.PRAIRIE DOGGING - When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.TOURISTS - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."TREEWARE - Printed computer software/hardware documentation.CLM (Career Limiting Move) - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CEB - Career Ending Behavior)OHNOSECOND - That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (See CLM)ADMINISPHERE - The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the admini-sphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.DILBERTED - To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the engineer in the job-from-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."SEAGULL MANAGER - A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, poops on everything, and then leaves.SALMON WEEK - The experience of spending an entire week swimming upstream only to die, and someone else get the benefit.404 - Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him... he's 404, man."PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE - The fine art of whacking an electronic device *just right* to get it to work again.
Even more facts of life...
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?I think that's how dogs spend their lives.Don't worry about the world ending today...It's already tomorrow in Australia. (unless you're in Australia -then start worrying)Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.Character is what you are.Reputation is what people think you are.Drive carefully, It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.A loser is a window washer on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his work.A man usually feels better after a few winks, especially if she winks back.Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things:1 - Women, 2 - Fractions.
Military Wisdom!
1. If the enemy is in range, so are you.2. Incoming fire has the right of way.3. Don't look conspicuous: it draws fire.4. The easy way is always mined.5. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.6. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.7. The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you're ready for them. When you're not ready for them.8. Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at. 9. If you can't remember, the claymore is pointed at you.10. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.11. Don't draw fire, it irritates the people around you.12. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.13. When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.14. If it's stupid but works, it isn't stupid.15. When in doubt empty the magazine.16. Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.17. Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing dothing.18. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can't get out.19. Mines are equal opportunity weapons.20. A Purple Heart just proves that were you smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.21. Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last and don't ever volunteer to do anything.22. The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.23. Five second fuses only last three seconds.24. It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
The Procrastinator's Creed.
1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitely small, is not exactly zero.8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
Let me through!
A car was involved in an accident in a street. As expected, a large crowd gathered.A newspaper reporter anxious to get his story could not get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.
Happily Addicted to the Web!
Happily Addicted to the Web (Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin', From my mouth, drool is glist'nin', I'm happy--although My boss let me go-- Happily addicted to the Web.All night long, I sit clicking, Unaware time is ticking, There's beard on my cheek, Same clothes for a week, Happily addicted to the Web.Friends come by; they shake me,Saying, "Yo, man! Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?" With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man; I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"I don't phone, don't send faxes, Don't go out, don't pay taxes, Who cares if someday They drag me away? I'm happily addicted to the Web!
Addicted to AOL!
1. You have been on-line for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes, or you will be logged off.2. You have been on-line 135 minutes. Not to put any pressure on you,but there are OTHER people in the world who would like to sign on. Let's show some consideration for our fellow members and sign off, WHADDYA SAY?3. You DO realize that you have been on-line for 180 minutes, right? When was the last time you went outside?4. OK, this is getting ridiculous. Frankly, you're starting to upset us! If you sign off now, we'll bring back your buddy list, OK?5. You have been on-line for 360 minutes now! We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up and go read a good book?!6. You have been on-line for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members names?7. You have been on-line for 513 minutes. Your spouse has left and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain on-line?8. You have been on-line for 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming personally to your house to yank the phone cord!9. You have been on-line for 852 minutes. Do you KNOW how many hours that is??10. You have been on-line for 921 minutes. Do you realize that AOL averages 921 complaints per hour about busy phone lines? Do you realize that AOL receives9.21 lawsuits per day, due to busy phone lines? PLEASE sign-off, to reduce these averages, or go to KEYWORD: Class Action to join a lawsuit.11. You have been on-line for 967 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, they didn't think you would take it LITERALLY! So get OFF, before we go broke!12. You have been on-line for 1013 minutes. This is Steve Case, I need to sign-on myself and answer some mail. Could you PLEASE sign-off?13. You have been on-line for 1105 minutes. Are you and your family chatting in shifts? GEEZE get off already!14. You have been on-line 1151 minutes. WELCOME TO THE TEAM... See job application enclosed!
Her Operation!
"A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says, "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!""Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself.The second one is from my nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.""Who is the third rose from?" she asked"Oh," says the doctor, "that rose is from a guy upstairs in the burn unit...He wanted to thank you for his new ears!"
Life\'s Achievements!
Most of us understand that our self worth and feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is. Really it all depends on your age. Consider the following:At age 4, success is not peeing your pants At age 16, success is "gettin' a little" At age 25, success is graduation and a weddingAt age 35, success is about career and familyAt age 55, success is about graduations and weddings At age 65, success is "gettin' a little" At age 80, success is not peeing your pants!
The Forrest Gump Connection!
Forrest Gump - Life is like a Box of chocolates...Forrest Dahmer - People are like a box of chocolate, YUM!Forrest (Homer)Simpson - Mmmmm, chocolateForrest the Hun - Chocolate all mine!Forrest Simmons - Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE!Forrest Rivera - People who like Chocolate..Next on 'Forrest'Forrest Shakespeare - Chocolate, or no chocolate that's the questionForrest Of Borg - All chocolates must be assimilatedForrest Presley - Hunk a hunk of milk chocolateForrest Zen - I am one with the chocolateForrest McClaine - I used to be a box of ChocolatesForrest Ventura - Chocolates..Alll-Riighty then...Forrest Lauper - People just wanna have chocolateForrest Turner - What's chocolate gotta do, gotta do with it?Forrest Bones - D*@!* Jim, I'm a Dr., not a box of chocolateForrest Spock - Logically speaking, we are all chocolateForrest Scotty - The box, she's breaking apart Capt'nForrest Butler - Frankly Scarlett, I don't like chocolateForrest O'Hara - Tomorrow, is another box of chocolates.Forrest Lee - Fight with your inner chocolateForrest Clinton - I didn't inhale the cream centersForrest Davidson - I will inhale the cream filled centersForrest Doo - Roinks Raggy, Rocolates!Forrest Marx - That's the weirdest box of chocolates I've ever seen.Forrest Nicholson - You want chocolate, you can't handle chocolateForrest Copperfield - Poof, the chocolates are gone!Forrest Noah - 2 creams, 2 nuts, 2 coconuts, 2 peanut butterForrest on phonics - Lief es lyk a boks uv chakoletsForrest PsychicLine - Yes, I knew you were a chocolateForrest Alimony - The Box is mine!Forrest Andrews - The Hills are alive..like a box of chocolatesForrest Costello - Who's eating chocolate?Forrest Abbott - No, who is not eating chocolateForrest Vader - Luke, I am your chocolateForrest Yoda - There is a dark chocolate, and a light chocolate.
The big test!
An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career, so they decided to do a small test.They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not at home.The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left.Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket.After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative whiff to be assured of the quality ...then he left for his room, carrying all three items.The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than I could ever have imagined.. " "Our son is going to be a politician!"
Pleasing Mom!
Bill is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Bill just dates and dates.Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?""No," Bill replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!""Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear old Mother?"Many weeks go by and again Bill and his friend get together. "So Bill. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?"Bill shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends.""So are you and this girl engaged, yet?" "I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"
Computer gender war!
A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English, these words were of neutral gender.Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was composed of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
A lawyers tomstone.
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative:He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer. That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange"!
Money talks.
A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."
The game of golf!
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
Top 10 things men know about women.
The top 10 things men know about women are:1.2.3.4.5.(I think you get it where we're going with this.)6.7.(Hey Guys..."check out #8...a new one!)8.9.10.
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