Miscellaneous
How They
Accountants do it with Double Entry Acupuncturists do it with a small prick Ambulance drivers come quicker Australians do it Down Under Bach did it using the organ Bankers do it with interest Bartenders do it on the Rocks Batman does it using his Robin Bookkeepers do it for the record Bosses delegate the task to others Chess players check their Mates Cops do it with cuffs DJs do it on request Deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure Dentists do it orally Detectives do it under cover Don't do it with Bankers, most of them are Tellers Elevator men do it up and down Engineers do it to specifications Engineers do it to a first order approximation Firemen do it with a big hose Frank Sinatra does it his way Garbagemen come twice a week Gardeners do it on the bushes Gas attendants Pump all day Golfers do it in 18 holes Landlords do it every 1st of the month Managers make others do it Marketing reps do it on commission Pizza delivery man comes in 30 minutes or it's free Teachers do it with class Waiters and waitresses do it for tips Zoologists do it with animals
Top10 Viagra Slogans.
* Viagra, The quicker dicker upper * Viagra, One-a-day, like iron * Viagra, When it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight * Viagra, Home of the whopper * Viagra, It plumps when you take 'em * Viagra, Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman * Viagra, Tastes great, more filling * Viagra, Ten inches long ... and growing. * Viagra, We work harder, so you don't have to. and the number one slogan being considered by Viagra: * This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any questions?
Tell Me
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife . . . "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our 10th child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye. She paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. then, finally, she says. . . . . . . "You."
Windows 2000 Errors!
The following are new Error Messages are planned for Windows 2000:1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4) Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE! 5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6) Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9) Windows message: "You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?" 10) This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off." 11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup and press any key. 14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) 15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found... Use backup... PENCIL & PAPER. 20) User Error: Replace user. 21) Windows VirusScan1.0 - "OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)" 22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic.
Why it\'s great to be a man!
Reasons why it's great to be a man:Your butt is never a factor in a job interview. Your orgasms are real. Always. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a crap if no one notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Same work ... more pay. Wrinkles add character. You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. If you retain water, it's in a canteen. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. Porn movies are designed with you in mind. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?" One mood, ALL the damn time. Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat! You know stuff about tanks. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind. You can go to a public toilet without a support group. You can leave the motel bed unmade. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. Everything on your face stays its original color. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me." No maxi-pads. You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
Money from Minsk
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy."Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied."Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts... it was still $1,000.Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it.Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row... where are you from?"The old man replied, "I am from Minsk." "Really?" replied Natalie, "I have a sister who lives there." "Yes; I know," said the old man. "She gave me $3,000 to give to you."
A Childs\' Perspective!
A monsoon is a French gentleman.For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.Water vapor gets together in a big cloud. When it gets big enough to be called a drop, it does.Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming down. Rain is saved up in cloud banks.Someday we might discover magnets that can point in any direction.One of the main causes of dust is janitors.Blood circulates through the body by flowing down one leg and up the other.Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the earth because so many people are stomping around there these days.The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.I'm not sure how clouds are formed, but clouds know how to do it, and that's the important thing.The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
Remember When (Classic)
A computer was something on TV From a science fiction show A window was something you hated to clean.... And RAM was the cousin of a goat.....MEG was the name of my girlfriend And GIG was your middle finger upright Now they all mean different things And that really MEGA bytesAn application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a pianoMemory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy You hoped nobody found outCompress was something you did to the garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for a whileLog on was adding wood to the fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commodeCut you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the fluI guess i'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead
Grandmother Too
Grandmother and granddaughter were in the bank when three bank robbers walked in and held it up."All the ladies down on the floor," one handsome robber commanded."My grandmother too?" the little girl asked. "Yes, your grandmother too!""All the ladies on the floor, pull up your dresses.""My grandmother too?" "Yes, your grandmother too! All ladies will now remove their panties.""Surely you don't mean my grandmother too?" asked the little girl.Becoming angry, the handsome robber shouted, "YES, YOUR GRANDMOTHER TOO! Now, all the ladies on the floor are to spread their legs apart."When the little girl started to ask if her grandmother was included, her grandmother snarled, "YOU HEARD WHAT THE MAN SAID!"
Change In Fashion
This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co- worker is wearing an earring.This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense.""Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings.""Oh, yeah, sure," says Bob sheepishly."Really? How long have you been wearing one?""Ever since my wife found it in our bed!"
More Office Wisdom...
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.If at first you don't succeed, don't try again: quit. No use being a complete fool about it.If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.It doesn't matter what you do; it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
New Win98 Error Codes
The Latest Report on Windows98: New Error Codes AssignedWinerr 000 - Unexpected Intelligent User Detected; Please Reload Everything Winerr 001 - Intimidation Failed; Attempting to Crash Repeatedly Winerr 002 - Erroneous Error; No Error Occurred (Yet) Winerr 003 - RAM Depleted; Annex Japan (Y/N)? Winerr 004 - Deluxe Error. Please Send $75 to Upgrade Your Error Winerr 005 - Long File Name Error; Tape Erased to Make Room for Filename Winerr 006 - Insufficient RAM to Crash Properly; Attempting Fake Crash Winerr 007 - Alphanumeric Sequence "OS2" Prohibited Winerr 008 - This License Has Expired; Please Purchase Another Copy Winerr 009 - Error Buffer Overflow; Too Many Errors Winerr 00A - Non-Microsoft Application Encountered Winerr 00B - Push Error; Removing Files to Make Room for Advertisement Winerr 00C - Windows Loaded Correctly This Time Winerr 00D - User Error; Lemming Not Found Winerr 00E - Open Standard Encountered; Attempting to Redmondize Winerr 00F - Reserved for Future Coding Errors Winerr 010 - Virus Error - Other Applications Will Be Closed Instead Winerr 011 - Orwell Not Found; You Must Use MSN Winerr 012 - Cash Underflow - Credit Card Number Will Be Assimilated Winerr 013 - Keyboard Error; User Must Learn to Slow Down Winerr 014 - User Error; Reading License Agreement Mandatory to Continue Winerr 015 - Error Message Deleted Winerr 016 - Expected Error Did Not Occur; Attempting to Restart Error Sequence Winerr 017 - Multitasking Attempted; System Confused Winerr 018 - Network Error - Your Crash Will Be Replicated to All Stations Winerr 019 - Freedom-of-Choice Error; Select a Microsoft Browser To Continue Winerr 01A - Insult Detected -- Your Bill Gates Joke Will Be Deleted Winerr 01B - Error Removing Temp File; a Permanent File Will Be Substituted Winerr 01C - Wrong Disk Formatted. Sorry About That. Winerr 01D - Mandatory Error Inserted to Meet Error Quota Winerr 01E - Please Insert Your Favorite Error Here Winerr 01F - Error In Progress; Please Wait.... Winerr 020 - Unknown Error Occurred But Was Lost. Windows Will Try To Remember Winerr 021 - Error Parsing Error List; Please Wait For Next Error Winerr 022 - Upgrade Error; Please Format Your Drive And Reload Everything
The God Campaign!
Recently a Ft. Lauderdale advertising agency launched a billboard campaign (including the inside and outside of buses) that included 17 different messages "from God". This non-denominational campaign, was sponsored by an anonymous client. How cool to drive by one of these billboards!1. Let's Meet At My House Sunday Before the Game - God 2. C'mon Over And Bring The Kids - God 3. What Part of "Thou Shalt Not..." Didn't You understand? - God 4. We Need To Talk - God 5. Keep Using My Name in Vain And I'll Make Rush Hour Longer - God 6. Loved The Wedding, Invite Me To The Marriage - God 7. That "Love Thy Neighbor" Thing, I Meant It. - God 8. I Love You ... I Love You ... I Love You ... - God 9. Will The Road You're On Get You To My Place? - God10. Follow Me. - God11. Big Bang Theory, You've Got To Be Kidding. - God12. My Way Is The Highway. - God13. Need Directions? - God14. You Think It's Hot Here? - God15. Tell The Kids I Love Them. - God16. Need a Marriage Counselor? I'm Available. - God17. Have You Read My #1 Best Seller? There Will Be A Test. - God
Now that I\'m older...
Now that I'm older.....here's what I've discovered.....I started out with nothing..I still have most of it. When did my wild oats turn into prunes and All Bran? I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. If all is not lost, where is it? It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. The first rule of holes:= If you are in one, stop digging. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through, though. It was all so different before everything changed. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few.... Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees. When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
Coffee is better than Women.
Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:~ Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have some. ~ You won't get arrested for trying to buy coffee at 3 AM. ~ Coffee never runs out. ~ No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee. ~ You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee. ~ When coffee gets old, you can throw it away. ~ Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning. ~ Coffee can be ready in 15 minutes or less. ~ White men can take black coffee home to their parents. ~ Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream on it. ~ You can always heat up coffee. ~ Coffee smells and looks good in the morning. ~ If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight. ~ Two words; INSTANT COFFEE !
New Chemical Elements!
Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.Element Name: WOMAN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses Strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. -------------------------------Element Name: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element: Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
The new father!
A doctor was holding a new baby that he had just delivered.The baby looked up at him and said, "Are you my father?"The doctor said, "No, I am the doctor that delivered you." Then the doctor handed the baby to the nurse.While the nurse was cleaning the baby the baby looked at the nurse and said, "Are you my father?"The nurse said, "No, I am just the nurse." Then the nurse gave the baby to the new father.The baby looked at him and said, "Are you my father?"The new father said proudly, "Yes! I am your father."Then the baby started poking his father in the forehead over and over again and said, "So how do YOU like it?!"
Broken Commandmants
Newly assigned officers at Norfolk Naval Air Station here in Virginia are quite often "adopted" by a family. One such young officer, a Lt. Commander, became an 'Uncle' to the family's little 5 year old daughter.One Sunday, he asked her what she had learned in Sunday School. Aware of his rank and standing in the service, she beamed and said, "We learned all about the ten commanders, Uncle Joe. They're always broke!"
Be
A man dies and goes to heaven. Saint Peter asks him what religion he belongs to. The man tells him and Saint Peter says "oh, we have a lot of your kind here. In fact, we have a special room for all of you so you can all be together!"He leads the man down a long hallway with doors on either side.They pass one door and they hear a bunch of yelling and hollering inside. "Who's in that room?" the man asks. "Oh, those are the holy rollers," says Saint Peter. "They make a lot of noise but they're pretty harmless".They pass by another door which is nearly shaking off its hinges. "Who's in there?" the man asks. "That's the room for the Shakers" replies Saint Peter.Then they approach another door. Saint Peter whispers to the man, "we must be very quiet going past this door. Don't make a sound."They tiptoe past the door and when they get farther down the hallway the man asks Saint Peter who was in that room."Oh, those are the Catholics. They think they're the only ones up here!"
Worlds
25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS - by O.J. Simpson 24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION 23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres 22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT 21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA 20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman 19. THE WILD YEARS - by Al Gore 18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN 17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS 16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS 15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE 14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB 13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES 12. EASY UNIX 11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE 10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN 9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN 8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY 7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES 6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER - by Art Garfunkel 5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE 4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES - by the EPA 3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS 2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORYAnd the Number one World's Shortest book......1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION - by Bill Clinton
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