Miscellaneous
What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet?
What did Mr. Spock find in the toilet? The Captain's log.
There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house...
There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hotsummer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a bigbundle of wire."Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that wire?""Well," the kid drawls, "this here ain't just any ol' wire, this here'schicken wire -- I'm fixin' to catch me some chickens!""You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!""Sure I can!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back atthe end of the day and sure enough, he's got a whole mess of chickenscaught in his chicken wire. Well, the farmer's sitting on his porch the next day, and the same kidcomes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape. "Hey kid!" the farmer yells. "Where ya goin' with that tape?" "Well, thishere ain't just any ol' tape, this here's duck tape -- I'm fixin' to catchme some ducks!""You can't catch ducks with duck tape!" the farmer yells back. "Sure Ican!" the kid says, and takes off down the road. He comes back at the endof the day and again, the farmer can't believe his eyes. The kid had awhole bunch of ducks all wrapped up tightly in his tape. The next day the farmer's sitting on his porch again, and the kid comeswalking down the road carrying a stick. "Hey kid!" the farmer says. "Where ya goin' with that stick?""Well, this here ain't just any old stick, this here's pussy willow.""Hang on," the farmer says, "I'll get my hat."
Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation...
Two men met at a bar and struck up a conversation.After a while one of them said, "You think you havefamily problems? Listen to my situation: A fewyears ago I met a young widow with a grown-updaughter and we got married. Lately, my fathermarried my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughtermy stepmother and my father became my stepson. Alsomy wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law.Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother had ason. This boy was my half brother because he was myfather's son, but he was also the son of my wife'sdaughter which made him my wife's grandson. Thatmade me grandfather of my half-brother. This wasnothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the sister of my son, my mother-in-law isalso the grandmother. This makes my father thebrother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is myfather's wife. I am my stepmother's brother-in-law,my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is myfather's nephew and I am my own grandfather and youthink you have family problems.
If the NSA made toasters...
If the NSA made toasters...Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only theNSA could access in case they needed to get at your toastfor reasons of national security.
If Sony made toasters...
If Sony made toasters...Their Sony Toastman, which would be barely larger thanthe single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can beconveniently attached to your belt.
If the Franklin Mint made toasters...
If the Franklin Mint made toasters...Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-craftedpiece of your authentic Civil War pewter toaster.
If Thinking Machines made toasters...
If Thinking Machines made toasters...You would be able to toast 64,000 thousand pieces of bread at the same time.
If Timex made toasters...
If Timex made toasters...They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toastersthat take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
If Radio Shack made toasters...The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anythingabout it. You would be able to buy all the parts to buildyour own toaster.
If K-Tel sold toasters...
If K-Tel sold toasters...They would not be available in stores, andyou would get a free set of Ginsu knives.
Grant Bar and Casino
Grant's Bar and Casino: Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear.
If god had wanted us to run around naked...
If god had wanted us to run around naked,we would have been born that way.
A sign
WE DON'T SERVE WOMEN HERE!(you have to bring your own)
Mr.Richman has 3daughters...
Mr.Richman has 3daughters. Their names are nobody, somebody and crazy.One day nobody and somebody are fighting over a fake eyebrow. Then crazywhen to the policeman and she said"Nobody and Somebody are fighting" Thenthe policeman look at her then he said "What are youtalking about?" Then she said again "Nobody and Somebody are fighting"Then the policeman said "What? Are you crazy?" Then she said "Yes but howdid you know my name?"
A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert...
A fellow, who had spent his whole life in the desert, comes to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. Whilestanding in the middle of the railroad tracks one day, he hears thiswhistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know what it is.Predictably, he's hit and is thrown to the side of the tracks. It wasonly a glancing blow, so he was fortunate to receive some minor internalinjuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's houseattending a party one evening. While in the kitchen, he suddenly hearsthe teakettle whistling. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closetand proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizablelump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen,sees what's happened and asks the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my goodtea kettle?"The desert man replies, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they'resmall."
Diary Entries
Diary EntriesAUG. 12 Moved to our new home in Ohio. It is so beautiful here. Thehills are so majestic. I can hardly wait to see them with snow coveringthem. I love it here.OCT. 14 Ohio is the most beautiful place on Earth. The leaves are turnedall the colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through thebeautiful hills and saw some deer. They are so graceful, certainly theyare the most wonderful animal on Earth. This must be paradise. I love ithere.NOV. 11 Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting tokill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it will snow soon, I love it here.DEC. 2 It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed inwhite. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow offthe steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), andwhen the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What abeautiful place. I love Ohio. DEC. 12 More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trickagain to the driveway. I love it here.DEC. 19 More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get towork. I am exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.DEC. 22 More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on myhands from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner andwaits till I'm done shoveling. Asshole.DEC. 25 Merry Fucking Christmas! More friggen snow. If I ever get myhands on that sonofabitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll kill thebastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt thefucking ice.DEC. 27 More of that White Shit last night. Been inside for 3 days exceptfor shoveling out the driveway after that snowplow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, cars stuck in a mountain of that White Shit. Theweatherman says to expect another 10" of the shit again tonight. Do youknow how many shovels full 10" of snow is?DEC. 28 The fucking weatherman was Wrong. We got 34" of that white shitthis time. At this rate it won't melt before the middle of next summer. The snowplow got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door andasked to borrow my shovel. After I told him I had broken six shovelsalready shovelling the white shit he pushed into my driveway, I broke mylast one right over his Fuckin' Head!JAN. 4 Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get foodand on the way back damned deer ran out in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3000.00 worth of damage to the car. Those fucking beasts shouldbe killed. Wished the hunters had got them all last November.MAY 3 Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe themotherfucker is rusting out from all the goddamn salt they put on theroads?MAY 10 Moved to Florida. I can't imagine anyone in their right mindwanting to live in the God-forsaken state of Ohio.
A bar name
A guy walks into a store and says to the managaer "why doesn't your store have a name", the store manager says "I haven't thought of one yet but I think u can help me, what's your girlfriend's name." The guy says "Jenny" then the store owner says "What's do you like most about Jenny" and the guysays "her legs." So the store manager says "ok that's what we'll call my store Jenny's Legs. Here's a coupon come back tomorrow morning and you can have a free drink." And the man says "ok."The next day the man comes back to the store banging on the window yelling " where's my free drink, where's my free drink!" Then a police officer comesup to him and says "What are you doing?" and the guy says "I'm waiting for Jenny's Legs to open up."
Why cannot Jesus eat M & Ms?
Q: Why can't Jesus eat M & M's?A: Because they fall through the holes in his hands.
What did Jesus do when he got to the Holiday Inn?
Q: What did Jesus do when he got to the Holiday Inn?A: He threw some nails down on the counter and asked, "Can you put me up for the night?"
Why is a violist like a terrorist?
Q: Why is a violist like a terrorist?A: They both fuck up bowings.
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