Miscellaneous
1970 and year 2000.
Isn't this the truth!...1970: Long Hair2000: Longing for hair1970: The perfect high.2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.1970: Keg.2000: EKG.1970: Acid Rock.2000: Acid Reflux.1970: Moving to California because it's cool.2000: Moving to California because it's warm.1970: Growing pot.2000: Growing pot belly.1970: Douglas Street bridge.2000: Dental bridge.1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.1970: Seeds and stems.2000: Roughage.1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.2000: Popping joints.1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.1970: Paar.2000: AARP.1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.1970: Killer weed.2000: Weed killer.1970: Hoping for a BMW.2000: Hoping for a BM.1970: The Grateful Dead.2000: Dr. Kevorkian.1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.2000: Getting a new hip joint.1970: Rolling Stones.2000: Kidney stones.1970: Being called into the principal's office.2000: Calling the principal's office.1970: Screw the system!2000: Upgrade the system.1970: Peace sign.2000: Mercedes logo.1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.1970: Take acid.2000: Take antacid.1970: Passing the driver's test.2000: Passing the vision test.1970: "Whatever"2000: "Depends
Razorback Hogs
Bill Clinton got off his helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said "Nice pigs, Sir!"The President replied "These are not pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea."The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, "Nice trade, Sir!"
More of the world's shortest books!
A new list of the "World's Shortest Books":STAYING HAPPILY MARRIED-by Elizabeth TaylorBEAUTY SECRETS-by Janet RenoHOME BUILT AIRPLANES-by John DenverDOWN HILL SKIING-by Sonny BonoHOW TO GET TO THE SUPER BOWL-by Dan MarinoFLYING AT NIGHT-by JFK, Jr.THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL-by Hillary ClintonMY LIFE'S MEMORIES-by Ronald ReaganTHINGS I CAN'T AFFORD-by Bill GatesMY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O. J. SimpsonTHINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis RodmanTHE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH-by the RamseysAMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEANAMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERSDETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDEDR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHESMIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTETHE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORYHELLEN KELLER'S BIRDWATCHING GUIDE
Men Are Like.......
Men are like....Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.Men are like....Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.Men are like ....Vacations. They never seem long enough.Men are like....Bank machines.Once they withdraw they lose interest.Men are like ....Weather. Nothing can be done about either one of them.Men are like....Blenders. You need one but your not quite sure why.Men are like....Cement. After getting laid, they take along time to get hard.Men are like....Chocolate Bars. Sweet,smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.Men are like....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.Men are like....Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.Men are like....Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.Men are like....Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.Men are like....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.Men are like....Lawn Mowers. If your not pushing one around, you're riding it.Men are like....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.Men are like....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.Men are like ....Snowstorms. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto
One day the Lone Ranger and his companion Tonto were walking through the desert when Tonto suddenly stopped, bent down to the ground and said, - "Buffalo Come!"And the Lone Ranger said, "How do you know Tonto?"Tonto replied, - "Ear stuck to ground..."
Dog Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.7. If it just looks like mine, its mine.8. If I saw it first, its mine.9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.10. If its broken, its yours.
College Courses for Women
1...Silence, the final frontier - Where no woman has gone before.2...The undiscovered side of Banking - How to make deposits.3...Combatting the Imelda Marcos Syndrome - You don't need new shoes everyday.4...Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.5...Nag Nag Nag - how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.6...An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.7...Man Management - Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.8...Personal Space - Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.9...Valuation - Just because it's not important to you.10..Communication Skills I - Tears as the last resort and not the first.11..Communication Skills II - How to think before speaking.12..What he really wants - Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.13..Driving a car safely - A skill you can also acquire.14..Real women drink their share at a party.15..Telephones - How to hang up.16..Parking - Beginners Course.17..Parking (Advanced) - Reversing into a parking space.18..The Natural Habitat of the Towel - Why they prefer the floor.19..Managing your weight - It's not water retention, it's fat.20..Learning to cook I - Bran in not food.21..Learning to cook II - Bringing back bacon and eggs.22..Compliments - How to accept them gracefully.23..PMS - Your problem, not his.
One-liners for kids.
Q: What goes TICK-TICK, WOOF-WOOF?A: A watchdog!Q: Why do male deer need braces?A: Because they have "buck teeth!"
Thor the God of Love
THOR, the God of Love wakes up the morning after the orgy.As he sits up, stretches and looks around, he sees a beautiful, shapely, young blonde standing in the doorway.He walks over and says - "Good morning, I'm THOR"!She looks back at him with blue eyes and a comely smiles and says - YOUR THOR...I'M SO THOR I CAN'T PITH!
Three Larry's
Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?"The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime."The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up."The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels."The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor."The third lady says, "Yep, thats my Larry!"
Defining Confusion!
Q: How do you define confusion??A: A blind lesbian in a fish market!
Got Milk?
When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath to make me more attractive." The milkman replied, "Oh, OK. Pasteurized?" The blonde looked at the milkman with a confused look on her face and said..."No. Just up to my boobs."
Things You'd Love to Say at Work!
Things You?d Love to Say at Work!1. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be???..?2. Do I look like a people person?3. This isn?t an office. It?s Hell with fluorescent lighting!4. I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.5. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.6. If I throw a stick, will you leave?7. You!??..Off my planet.8. Does your train of thought have a caboose?9. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?10. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.11. A PBS mind in an MTV world.12. Allow me to introduce my selves.13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.14. I?m trying to imagine you with a personality.15. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.16. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven?t fallen asleep yet.17. Can I trade this job for what?s behind door #1?18. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?20. Chaos, Panic, and Disorder ??.. My work here is done.21. How do I set a laser printer to stun?22. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Punny as they get! yee-haw!
A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off. The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away. The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thought for a moment and said..."Yes, there's a nasty bug going around." DOH!
Kid's letters to God...cute!
Here's a list of some cute letters kids have written to God:Dear GOD:Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have? - JaneDear GOD:Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. - LarryDear GOD:If You watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. - MickeyDear GOD:I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - NanDear GOD:In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? - JaneDear GOD:I read the Bible. What does "beget" mean? Nobody will tell me. - Love, AlisonDear GOD:Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? - LucyDear GOD:Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? AnitaDear GOD:Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -NormaDear GOD:Who draws the lines around the countries? - NanDear GOD:I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -NeilDear GOD:What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -JaneDear GOD:Did You really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if You did, then I'm going to fix my brother. - DarlaDear GOD:Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. - JoyceDear GOD:It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend, (But I am not going to tell You who I am)Dear GOD:Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. Tom L.Dear GOD:Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. BruceDear GOD:If we come back as something else, please don't let me be MaryHorton - because I hate her. - DeniseDear GOD:If you give me a genie like Aladdin, I will give You anything You want, except my money or my chess set. - RaphaelDear GOD:I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. - SamDear GOD:You don't have to worry about me. I always look both ways. - DeanDear GOD:I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. Ruth M.Dear GOD:I think about You sometimes even when I'm not praying - ElliottDear GOD:Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David the best.- RobDear GOD:My brother told me about being born but it doesn't sound right. They're just kidding, aren't they? - MarshaDear GOD:I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. - Love, ChrisDear GOD:We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it So I bet he stole your idea. - Sincerely, DonnaDear GOD:The bad people laughed at Noah - "You made an ark on dry land, you fool." But he was smart, he stuck with You. That's what I would do. - EddieDear GOD:I do not think anybody could be a better GOD. Well, I just want You to know but I am not just saying that because You are GOD already. - CharlesDear GOD:I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made on Tuesday. That was cool. - Eugene
Interview with a Pirate!
The pirate Red Beard was being interviewed by a newspaper reporter who was looking for juicy stories of excitement and derring-do. He told Red, "I'm sure my readers would love to hear the tale behind your pegleg." "Well, I was thrown from the ship during gale force winds, and before me mate could throw me a line, a shark bit me leg clean off!" The interviewer was sort of disappointed. "What about the hook at the end of your right arm?" "I lost it in a sword fight with the Captain of the Guard!" Again the reporter was disappointed. "Certainly there's an exciting story about the patch on your eye?" "One day, I was out on deck, and a bird flew over and pooped in me eye!" The reporter was amazed. "That's why you wear a patch?" "Well, I'd only had me hook a couple of days!"
"Very Offensive" Space Shuttle Jokes.
Q: What were Christa McAuliffe's last words to her husband?A: "You feed the kids - I'll feed the fish."Q: What does NASA stand for?A1: Need Another Seven AstronautsA2: Need Another Shuttle AlsoQ: Did you know why there was only one black crew member on Challenger?A: They didn't know it was going to blow up.Q: Did you know that NASA has a new space drink?A: Ocean Spray - It was their second choice because they couldn't get 7-UP.Q: On future shuttle missions, why will one of the astronauts have to be a naval officer?A: So when they decide to use it as an experimental submarine, they'll have a rated officer onboard.Q: How many people will fit in a Florida Volkswagen?A: Four in the seats and seven in the ashtray.
The Brown and White Cows!
There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture.He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished. "Yeah daddy, yeah daddy," said the little boy. After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends."Say, Pop," said the boy."Yes," replied his father. "The bull just screwed the brown cow!" There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull "surprised" the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull "surprises" the white cow." The father went back inside the house.After a while the boy came in and said, "Hey, Daddy!" "Yes, son. Did the bull "surprise" the white cow?" "He sure did, Pop! He screwed the brown cow again!"
Some shorties...one rude :)
Q: Why did Smokey the Bear never have any children? A: When his wife got hot, he beat her with a shovel. Q: Why don't they let government workers look out the window in the morning? A: So they will have something to do in the afternoon. A girl criticized my apartment so I knocked her flat. The first civilian on the shuttle was an English teacher. Now she's history.
Cast the first stone!
Jesus walks upon a crowd with an adulteress crouching in a corner with a mob around her preparing to stone her to death.Jesus stops them and says, "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone!"Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fires off a stone at the adulteress and blasts her right in the head.At which point Jesus looks over and says..."Mother! Sometimes you really TICK ME OFF!"
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