Miscellaneous
a babtist and a catholic preacher
A Baptist preacher and a catholic preacher are driving out on a road. The catholic preacher sees a cat in the middle of the road, and slams on his brakes. The cat is avoided, but the Baptist preacher hits the back of the catholic preacher. They step out of their cars, and begin talking. "Oh, I am so sorry, that was my fault," says the Baptist preacher. While waiting for the cops after they called by cell phone, the preachers soon start talking about their professions to pass the time. "You know, I never understood why catholic preachers don't drink wine to represent Christ's blood." The catholic preacher responds, "Well, we believe that drinking wine is wrong, and just use grape juice instead." "I have a bottle of wine in my glove compartment right now. Tell you what, let's drink a little right now while waiting for the cops." "Oh, no I couldn't, replies the catholic, but after pressuring him, the catholic preacher soon agrees. The Baptist preacher takes out the wine and a couple of Dixie cups, and pours a little into each. The catholic preacher drinks it down quickly. "That wasn't that bad, you're right," the catholic preacher says. Noticing the baptist hasn't drank his wine, he asks, "Aren't you going to have some?" "Oh sure," the other replies, "I'll wait until after the cops come though."
The new warden
A new jail warden was being shown through the jailhouse by the old warden. Soon, after making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, he sees a group of elderly men laughing hysterically. Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the men shouts out "63!" and the entire table bursts out laughing. The new warden is totally baffled by the behavior of them. "74!", again a chorus of guffaws ring out. The old warden comes back to the table where the new warden sits staring, and the new warden asks "What are those elderly men doing." The old warden smirks, and says, "Oh, those are the life timers. They've been in here so long, they just number their jokes."Meanwhile another one calls out "2!". Nobody laughs. The new warden leans over and asks, "What happened?" To this the warden replied, "Oh, he blew the delivery."
Give the frog a loan
A frog walks into a bank and says "I wanna loan." "Well Mr.. frog, go over there to Mrs. Black's desk, she is the loan manager, I'm sure she will be happy to talk to you," The head desk says. The frog hops over to Mrs. Patty Black's desk and says, "I wanna loan." Mrs. Black says, "Well Mr. Frog, we will have to get some paperwork for you to sign, so if you will wait right here..." At this point the frog pulls out of his knapsack a golden disk and hands it over to her. She asks, confused, "What is this?" The frog croaks back, "I wanna loan." She rubs her head, and walks back to her boss and says, "I don't get it, a frog hops in here wanting a loan, and gives me this golden disk. Do you know what it is?" The boss laughs and says, "It's a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan!"
The duck in the bar
A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender. The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. "What'll it be?" the bartender says.The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want." The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes." The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!" The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, "I'll have the grapes."The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!" The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you get?!" "Got any nails?" "OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?" "Good, got any grapes?"
My Aunt
Joe says to Bill, "Want to see a picture of my Aunt?"Bill said, "Sure."So Joe takes out a picture.Bill says, "What are you talking about?Thats not your aunt!Thats a picture of a fish!"Joe says, "Well sure it is... It's my aunt Chovy!"
Bart Simpson's Chalkboard Archive
Bart Simpson's Chalkboard Archive I will not carve gods.I will not spank others.I will not aim for the head.I will not barf unless I'm sick.I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty. I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge. I will not conduct my own fire drills.Funny noises are not funny.I will not snap bras.I will not fake seizures.This punishment is not boring and pointless. My name is not Dr. Death.I will not defame New Orleans.I will not prescribe medication.I will not bury the new kid.I will not teach others to fly.I will not bring sheep to class.A burp is not an answer.Teacher is not a leper.Coffee is not for kids.I will not eat things for money.I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call. The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.I will not call the principal "spud head". Goldfish don't bounce.Mud is not one of the 4 food groups. No one is interested in my underpants. I will not sell miracle cures.I will return the seeing-eye dog.I do not have diplomatic immunity.I will not charge admission to the bathroom. I will never win an emmy.The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause. I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers. My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.I will not go near the kindergarten turtle. I am not deliciously saucy.Organ transplants are best left to professionals.The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan". I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.There are plenty of businesses like show business. Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.I will not waste chalk.I will not skateboard in the halls.I will not instigate revolution.I will not draw naked ladies in class. I did not see Elvis.I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes". Garlic gum is not funny.They are laughing at me, not with me.I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom. I will not encourage others to fly.I will not fake my way through life. Tar is not a plaything.I will not Xerox my butt.It's potato, not potatoe.I will not trade pants with others.I am not a 32 year old woman.I will not do that thing with my tongue. I will not drive the principal's car.I will not pledge allegiance to Bart. I will not sell school property.I will not burp in class.I will not cut corners.I will not get very far with this attitude. I will not belch the National Anthem.I will not sell land in Florida.I will not grease the monkey bars.I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment. I will not do anything bad ever again.I will not show off.I will not sleep through my education. I am not a dentist.Spitwads are not free speech.Nobody likes sunburn slappers.High explosives and school don't mix. I will not bribe Principal Skinner.I will not squeak chalk.I will finish what I sta"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.Underwear should be worn on the inside. The Christmas Pageant does not stink.I will not torment the emotionally frail.
Cool REAL Signs!
At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator)"Best Place in Town to take a Leak"Sign over a gynecologist's office"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."On a Plumbers truck:"We repair what your husband tried to fix."On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."Pizza shop slogan:"7 days without pizza makes one weak."At a tire shop in Milwaukee:"Invite us to your next blowout"Door of a plastic surgeon's office:"Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it"At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot.Would that be satisfactory?"At a towing company:"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."On an electrician's truck"Let us remove your shorts."In a non-smoking area:"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."On a maternity room door:"Push. Push. Push."At an optometrist's office:"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."On a taxidermist's window:"We really know our stuff."In a podiatrist's office:"Time wounds all heels."On a fence:"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."At a car dealership:"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."Outside a muffler shop:"No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."In a veterinarian's waiting room:"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"At the electric company:"We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
crazy blonde
How do you make a blonde go crazy?Place them in a round room, and tell them to stand in the corner!
Three Dickless Guys
There were once three guys with no dicks. They all went to the doctor's.The first guy says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!""What's the problem?" asks the doctor."I have no dick!"So the doctor gives him a metal dick and tells him to come back in a week.The next guy comes in and says, "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me!" "What's wrong?" the doctor asks."I have no dick!"The doctor gives him a wooden dick and tells him to come back in a week.The last guy comes in and has the same problem. The doctor gives him an electrical dick, and also tells him to come back in a week.A week later,the first guy with the metal dick goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, doctor, I hate you, I hate you!""Why?" asks the doctor."Well, everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she starts to shiver!" He walks out.The next guy with the wooden dick comes in and says, "Doctor! I hate you!""Why?" the doctor asks."Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters up there!" He walks out.The last guy with the electrical dick walks in and says, "Doctor, doctor! I love you, I love you!""Why?""Everytime I have sex with my girlfriend, her boobs light up!"
Laughter Galore !!!
Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office.Why?Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.Hubby: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"__________________________________________Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet!__________________________________________Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap!__________________________________________Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."Wife to husband: "What? At 2 a.m.?!"Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."__________________________________________A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"" Honey, "the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"__________________________________________Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."__________________________________________"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate."Terrible! "the roommate answered." He showed up his 1932 Rolls Royce."" Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?""He was the original owner!"__________________________________________In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told these men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned un-opened."__________________________________________A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans"."My father grows beans," said one student."My father cooks beans," said another.Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."__________________________________________Teacher : Let's take the example of the busy ant. He is busy all the time, works all day and every day. Then what happens ? Little Johnny : " He gets stepped on. " __________________________________________Interviewer to Millionaire: "To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire to?"Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"Millionaire: "A Billionaire!"
2 Eggs
An old man and women are going out for a meal to celebrate there 50th anniversary.The old man is getting ready but cant find his shoes so he looks under the bed and finds a box with 2 eggs in it and a thousand pounds so that evening he questions his wife about it at dinner."Well.." she said "each time I was unfaithful to you I put an egg in the box""And what about the thousand pound?" asked the old man."Well..." Replies the woman "Each time I got a dozen eggs I sold them"
I used my head
Three guys made a competition to see who would make a girl scream louder in bed.The first one went in, meanwhile the other two stayed out and listened to the girl moan for a bit.The second one went in and the girl screamed a little bit harder.When the third one went in, the girl SCREAMED! and SCREAMED! About an hour later the girl came out moaning.The first guy asked "Wow, how did you do that?" The guy, all tired and wet replied "I simply used my head".
Bad dog
Q) What do you call a dog with no legs?A) It doesn't matter, he won't come!
Gorilla in a Tree
A man walked into his backyard one morning and found there was a gorilla in a tree. He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon a serviceman arrived with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs and a shotgun. "Now listen carefully," he told the homeowner, "I'm going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained Chihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctivly crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap the handcuffs on""Ok, got it." the homeowner replied. "But whats that shotgun for?""If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla," the man said, "shoot the Chihuahua."
Aussie Trouser Snake.
An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. " In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak". The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, " In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands ...! "
AL GORE I am!
Can we count them with our nose?Can we count them with our toes?Should we count them with a band?Should we count them all by hand?If I do not like the count,I will simply throw them out.I will not let this vote count stand.I do not like them, AL GORE I am!Can we change these numbers here?Can we change them, calm my fears?What do you mean, Dubya has won?This is not fair, this is not fun.Let's count them upside down this time.Let's count until the state is mine.I will not let this vote count stand.I do not like it, AL GORE I am!I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit.You have not heard the last of it.I'll count the ballots one by one.And hold each one up to the sun.I'll count, recount, and count some more.You'll grow to hate this little chore.But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand.I do not like it, Al Gore I am!I won't leave office, I'm stayin' here.I've glued my desk chair to my rear.Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba, too,all telling me that I should sue.We find the Electoral College vile.Re-count the votes until I smile.We do not want this vote to stand.We do not like it, AL GORE I am!
Barber Shop
A blonde walks into a barber shop one day and asks the man if she can get her hair cut. The man says "Well ma'am, I can't cut your hair with those head-phones on. You're going to have to take them off." She shakes her head vigorously and replies "No, if I take them off, I will die." He put his hands on his hips and ripped them off of her head. She fell to the floor and died. He was extremely surprised and picked up the head-phones. All he heard was "Breathe in, breathe out, breath in."
Panda in a Bar
A panda walked into a bar. He went up to the bar and said "I'd like a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please" so the barman took his order and the panda went to sit down. Soon a waiter brought over his meal. The panda ate it up, thanked and tipped the waiter and paid the bill.All this seemed pretty normal until the panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter.The barman came over and said "Wha.. wh.. You just shot my friend!!!"the panda calmly replied "Do you know what I am?""Why yes," the barman answered. "Your a panda.""Good," the panda nodded "Now go home and look up 'panda' in the dictionary." And with that, the panda walked out of the bar.The barman was a little unsure, however he was very eager to be enlighted on the subject of his friend's murder, so he went home to find his dictionary.After a while, he found 'panda' and quickly read the definition:PANDA:1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves.
Computer use of a blonde!
How can you tell if a blonde has been using a computer?The joystick is wet and theres white out on the screen!
Pregnant Mystery
A three year old walked over to the pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.He inquisitively ask the lady," why is your stomach so big?"She replied, "Im having a baby."With big eyes,he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"She said, "He sure is."Then the little boy with a puzzled look asked, "Is it a good baby?"She said, "oh yes, its a real good baby."With even a more surprised and shocked look he said, "Then why in the world did you eat him?"
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