Miscellaneous
Learn to speak Southern...
Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...Hah Tu Spek Suthun:BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I taint herd from him in munts."ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."FAR - noun. A conflagration.Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."BAHS - noun. A supervisor.Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work, your bahs is gonna far you!"TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."TIRE - noun. A tall monument.Usage: "Lord willing and the creeks don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."RETARD - Verb. To stop working.Usage: "My granpaw retard at age 65."RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."FARN - adjective. Not local.Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."JU-HERE - a question.Usage: "Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys' coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?" HAZE - a contraction.Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah ... haze ignert."VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"
King of the Jungle...
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon. The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about it!"
BAD Bunny Wabbit!
A woman walks into a veterinarian's waiting room dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit obviously does not want to be there."Sit, Fluffy!" she says. Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him."I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy," says the woman, slightly embarrassed.Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts, - "Darn it, Fluffy, will you be good?!"Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:"Please pardon me... I just washed my hare, and can't do a damn thing with it!"
GOD's New Commandment!
NEWS FLASH - GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT!During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:"Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
Funny Conversations
BOY : Since we met, I can't eat or drink...GIRL : Why not ??BOY : I'm broke.BOY : May I hold your hand??GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.GIRL : Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??BOY : What time was it??GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!BOY : You love me...GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever..BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??BOY : I love you and I could die for you!GIRL : How soon??SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.Man : You remind me of the sea.Woman : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?Man : NO, because you make me sick.Wife : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.Husband : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.Mary : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do u think, Peter?Peter : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.Jimmy : Mom, can I have two piece of cake?Mom : Certainly. Take this piece and cut it in two.Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I comfortable seated.Lily : So what do you do?Sam : I close my eyes.Teacher : Have you given the goldfish fresh water? Pupil : No, Sir. They haven't finished the water I gave them last week.Mom : Why are you wiping the floor with that cake? Son : Well, it's a sponge cake, isn't it? It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked."Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant."That's no offense," replied the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?""Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.
Guess the instructions.
Read the 10 to-do instructions and then scroll for the answer - NO CHEATING!1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.2. Form a loose grip.3. Keep your head down.4. Avoid a quick back swing.5. Stay out of the water.6. Try not to hit anyone.7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.8. Don't stand directly in front of others.9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go.10. Don't take extra strokes.................Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off!(From a sign posted at a local golf course restroom :)
Credit Card Commercial That Never Was
Cover Charge: $15.00Round of Drinks: $23.00Table Dance: $30.00Another Round of Drinks: $23.00Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00A Round of Shots: $34.00Another Round of Drinks: $23.00Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her:...........PRICELESS!
Good Girls - Bad Girls
Good girls say "thanks for a wonderful dinner"...Bad girls say, "what's for breakfast?"Good girls never go after another girl's man...Bad girls go after him AND his brother.Good girls wear white cotton panties...Bad girls don't wear any.Good girls wax their floors...Bad girls wax their bikini lines.Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot...Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.Good girls make chicken for dinner...Bad girls make reservations.Good girls blush during bedrooms scenes in movies...Bad girls know they could do better.Good girls never consider sleeping with the boss...Bad girls never do either, unless he's very, very rich.Good girls believe you're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls...Bad girls believe that you are fully dressed with JUST a strand of pearls.Good girls love italian food...Bad girls love italian waiters.
Soakin' Wet!
One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked, "Son what happened?""I jumped in that creek down the road.""Why did you do that?""I dunno."His dad was very angry and said, "If you jump in that creek again, just because, I'm gonna tan that hide - just because! Is that clear?""Yes dad." replies his son.The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in.When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked, "Didn't I tell you not to jump in that creek again?""Yes dad, but Satan told me to do it!"His dad, being somewhat religous, decided to give his son the benefit of the doubt and tells him - "Next time Satan tells you to do something like that, say 'Satan get thee behind me in the name of Jesus'.""Ok dad." replied the son.Well the next day after school, the boy was walking across the bridge, and well you know the rest. He came home again soaked.His dad said, "I thought I told you what to say when you came to that creek!""I said what you told me dad, and when I did, Satan pushed me in!"
God's Watching
The teacher put two baskets of treats on her desk, a basket of apples and a basket of cookies.She told the students to each take only one treat.Next to the basket of apples was a sign:Take only one, God is watching.As one little boy reached over to take a cookie, the boy next to him said, "Take all you want, God's watching the apples"!
Pretty Big
A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he's on his way to The Royal York Hotel.The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park,"What's that" says the Texan"Oh! That's Queens Park" says the Cabby, "Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government" Those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big".Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large" says the Texan.They continue along and past First Canadian Place."Holy cow" says the Texan "What's that"?"Why that's First Canadian Place, its the biggest office complex in the country" says the Cabby " it took almost 4 years to build"."Really" says the Texan "Why in Houston they have buildings twice that big, and built in less than 1/2 the time"They continue on the way, the cabby a little miffed at the bragging, when they drive past the CN Tower. Now the Texan has his head out the window looking up at the 1850' tower and rotating restaurant at 1300'"Holy Crap!" says the Texan. "What in gods name is that? How long did it take to build that!The Cabby non chalantly glances out the window and says -"Heck if I know, it wasn't there yesterday"!
Funeral Story
A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?""I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied."What's so funny about that?""I'm a gynecologist."
Help from Canada...
PRESS RELEASE:Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement:CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM!WE HAVE PLEDGED:- 2 BATTLE SHIPS,- 600 GROUND TROOPS,- 6 FIGHTER JETS.AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH:- 2 CANOES,- 6 MOUNTIES,- AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS
The Experiment...
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution."You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.""Why?" asked somebody from the audience."I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked."Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.Now I do it in ten..."
Get a hot mama!
A 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, "Get a hot mama and be cheerful."The doctor said, "I didn't say that!...I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!"-------------------------------------------------------What's the best thing about growing old?You get to hide your own Easter eggs.--------------------------------------------------------
Terrorism: Doing our part...
Rarely do we receive a chain letter I feel compelled to pass on, but under the circumstances....President Bush has asked that we unite for a common cause.Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tomorrow night at 7:00 all peace-loving women between the ages of 21 & 35 are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think it's ok to see other women nude. (A cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)And to do my part, I'm buying stickers for all women who participate.Stop by my house so I can put the sticker on you to show you helped!Names and addresses of non- participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters, Langley, Virginia.The United States and Canada appreciate your efforts and applaud you!
Expressing Stupidity!
Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.As smart as bait.Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.Forgot to pay his brain bill.His belt doesn't go through all the loops.If he had another brain, it would be lonely.Missing a few buttons on his remote control.Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.Receiver is off the hook.Surfing in Nebraska.An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.A few beers short of a six-pack.A few peas short of a casserole.The cheese slid off his cracker.Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel.He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Osama/Taliban Jokes
Late Nite Jokes heard on T.V."There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head."? Jay Leno"We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves."? David Letterman"It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite photos actually show the sand fleas are leaving his beard."? David Letterman"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan. We'll taste your food, you check our mail."? Jay Leno"People are wondering what will happen to Afghanistan when we're finished fighting there. I'm sure there are plans to rebuild the country, and a lot of times with rebuilding comes a name change. These are some possible name changes the government has been mulling over: Halfghanistan, Pothole-istan, Jenniferanistan, Assbackwardstan, Bye-bye-Talibanstan, Ass-Kicked-istan."? Jay Leno"Everybody is talking about finding bin Laden. How about finding Dick Cheney? Where did he go? What have we got caves over here now, too? Where did he go? I think his Secret Service code name is 'Waldo."? Jay Leno"We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden. Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. You think his childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis."? Jay Leno"There are reports on the news tonight that members of the Taliban feel persecuted and fear their own safety. So now they know what it is like to feel like a woman in their country."? Jay Leno
Run Mr Taliban Song...
Sung to the tune of "Day-O" (The Banana Boat Song)Day-O...oh Day-O,Air force come and they flatten your homeRun Mr Taliban, we know where you're hiding,Air force come and they flatten your homeHey USA, USA, USA...Air force come and they flatten you home60ft, 70ft, 80ft craters,Air force come and they flatten your homeOld Uncle Sam's pissed, he ain't no quitter,Air force come and they flatten your homeWhen we finish you all be crying,Air force come and they flatten your home,Pilot is brother of New York firemanAir force come and they flatten your home
NEWS FLASH: Terrorists...
JOKESGALORE NEWS FLASH10 - 29 - 2001:Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in one of the neighborhoods in Cleveland, Ohio.Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.Police Officials have detained the following terrorists on civil unrest issues:1: Bin Sleepin2: Bin Drinkin3: Bin FightinThe Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, anywhere in the neighborhood.Police are very confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the community. No further information available.END OF NEWS FLASH(Pillaged from the Cleveland Browns forums).http://www.clevelandbrowns.com
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