Miscellaneous
The Answer: A Cockrobin.
The Answer: A Cockrobin.The Question: What are you putting in my mouth, Batman?
What is black and blue and hates sex?
What's black and blue and hates sex?A rape victim.
Whats worse than shit on Olivia Newton Johns face?
Whats worse than shit on Olivia Newton Johns face?Cum on Eileen.
What is the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?Anyone can roast beef.
How gross is that?
Gross is having to tuck your hemorrhoid into your sock so you won't step onit when you walk.
What is black and sits at the top of a set of stairs?
What is black and sits at the top of a set of stairs?A quadraplegic in a house fire.
How do you cook vegatables in the microwave ?
How do you cook vegatables in the microwave ?Take them out their wheelchair.
What is sicker than sick?
What's sicker than sick?masturbating with your grandma's ashes under your foreskin....
How do you get a one armed MAN out of a tree?
How do you get a one armed MAN out of a tree?Wave at him.
What is old, wrinkled, and hangs out your underwear?
What is old, wrinkled, and hangs out your underwear? Your Mother...
Why cannibals do not eat comedians?
Why don't cannibals eat comedians?They taste funny.
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter...
A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders ahamburger.The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it inhis bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat,and tosses it on the grill.The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've everseen!"The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in themorning when he makes the doughnuts!"and orders ahamburger.The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "ONE BURGER!"The cook, who's even bigger, screams, "BUR-GER!"Whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it inhis bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat,and tosses it on the grill.The old lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've everseen!"The counterman says, "Yeah? You should be here in themorning when he makes the doughnuts!"
What is the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?One snatches watches and the other watches snatches!
What sexual position makes an ugly baby?
What sexual position makes an ugly baby? Ask your mom!
CHOCOLATE
CHOCOLATE By John Scalzi Chocolate is God's way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a restaurant. When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most chocolate-saturated dessert possible: It's the one called "Unstoppable Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion" or some such thing. I always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth. The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the table. The silverware rattles. After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow the bite, realign her eyes, and take the next shuttle back from whatever transcendental plane she's been visiting. Slowly, her sphere of consciousness expands to include me, her husband, her life-long mate, her presumed partner in all things ecstatic. "Hey, this is pretty good," she'll say. "You want some?" No, I don't. I want nothing to do with an object that does to my wife in one bite what I've worked for an entire relationship to achieve. It wouldn't do any good, anyway. Men just don't have the same relationship with chocolate that women do. It's not even close. I wandered around the office today and asked men -- "Chocolate. Your thoughts?" -- and the result was always the same. First, a confused look as to why they're being asked about something so trivial, and then some lame, obvious statement: "Uh...it's brown?" Ask women the same question, and you get responses like "The ONLY food group," "ESSENTIAL to life as we know it," and the ultimate casual swipe at every member of the Y-chromosome brigade, "better than sex." Ouch. Some women will try to make up for that last one by quickly adding that chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Uh-huh. Chocolate certainly increases desire; problem is the desire is usually for more chocolate. The best a guy can do is buy a box of chocolates and hope he'll be considered somewhere between the cherry truffle and the strawberry nougat. Don't get me wrong. Guys like chocolate just fine; it's just not essential to life as we know it. Respiration is essential to life as we know it; chocolate is simply one of those nice little bonuses you get. We won't usually pass it up if it's offered, but I don't know too many guys who would get substantially worked up if it were to suddenly disappear from the face of the earth (ironic in a way, as back in the days of the Aztecs, only men were allowed to have the stuff). When I eat a chocolate dessert, I enjoy it, yes. My world view doesn't narrow to include only the plate that it's on. Maybe we're missing something. On the other hand, we don't have to pick up our silverware from the floor after we're done with our tiramisu. Life is about trade-offs like that. All I know is that come Valentine's Day, chocolate will be among the things I offer my wife. I can't truly appreciate it, but I can truly appreciate what it does for her. Which is close enough. copyright(c) John Scalzi John Scalzi is a columnist and humorist living in Virginia. For more columns and essays, visit his website: www.scalzi.com
Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey was arrested at the airport for drug smuggling?
Did you hear that Oprah Winfrey was arrestedat the airport for drug smuggling?It seems she bent over and someone saw fiftypounds of crack....
Did you hear about the guy who got his vasectomy done at Sears?
Did you hear about the guy who got his vasectomy done at Sears? -Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.
A ventriloquist was driving in the country...
A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to alarge farm. He asked for and was given a tour.As he was shown through the barn, the ventriloquist thought he'd havesome fun. He proceeded to make one of the horses talk.The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to thefarmer. "Sam," he shouted, "those animals are talking! If that sheepsays anything about me, it's a damned lie!"
What is the difference between Madonna and the Panama Canal?
What's the difference between Madonna and the Panama Canal?Well, you see, the Panama canal is a busy ditch...
Now, that is disgusting!
Mommy,mommy:can I play with grandma? Shut up kid, you dug her up twice last weeek! mommy,mommy:I hate daddyis guts. shut up kid and keep eating.sent by omar
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