Miscellaneous
Top twenty things to do at a drivethru
Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order. Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for. Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window. Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11:30 at night. Put up a fight. Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped. Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in. When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on. Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup. Ask how they fit into that little box. If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on. Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "May I take your order?" When asked if they can take your order say "No, why can't I take yours?" If they ask you to wait, order anyway and keep doing it till they yell at you. Pretend like your car broke down. Ask for assistance in moving it. When they come out, drive away. Tell them you have to use the bathroom. Order a cup of water and two napkins. That's it. Don't order when they come on. Just sit there. If a line forms behind you, get out of the car and cause a scene. When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the trash from your car in it. Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare. Honk your horn the whole way through the line.
Top reasons why it's great to be Canadian
It beats being an American. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe? A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins Own-an-eskimo scheme. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground
How Cold Is Cold?
60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one) 50 Miami residents turn on the heat 40 You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming 35 Italian cars don't start 32 Water freezes 30 You plan your vacation to Australia 25 Boston water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming 20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation further South 15 French cars don't start, Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you 10 You need jumper cables to get the car going 5 American cars don't start 0 Alaskans put on T-shirts -10 German cars don't start, Eyes freeze shut when you blink -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, Politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don't start -25 Too cold to think, You need jumper cables to get the driver going -30 You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don't start -40 Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweaters, Your car helps you plan your trip South -50 Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window -80 Hell freezes over, Polar bears move South -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets
Mysteries of T.V.
Things You Wouldn't Know Without The Tube All Of Life's Mysteries Are On TV If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of you sweetheart back home. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris. People of TV never finish their drinks. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds. The chief of police is always black. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames. Wearing a singlet or stripping to the waist can make a man invulnerable to bullets. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology. All single women have a cat. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello?, Hello?" Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involved martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage despite laying entire cities to waste. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity. You can always find a chain saw whenever you're likely to need one. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played without moving the fingers. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, just throw the gun away. You can always buy a new one. Make-up can safely be worn to bed without smudging. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Top Ten Television Shows in Iraq
"Husseinfeld" "Mad About Everything" "U.S. Military Secrets Revealed" "Suddenly Sanctions" "Allah McBeal" "Wheel of Fortune and Terror" "Achmed's Creek" "Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers" "Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs" "Just Shoot Me"
Signs You're Really Broke
American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a fine restaurant. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe. Long distance companies no longer call you to switch. Your credit card companies raised the rates from 6.9% to 24.9%. You see your roommate as a large fried chicken in tennis shoes. You receive care packages from Europe. Your bologna has no first name. You rob Peter...and then rob Paul. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. You give blood everyday - for the orange juice. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments. Consumer Credit Counseling services said "No." The neighborhood dog stopped sniffing at your pockets
Useless Inventions
Non stick Cellotape Solar Powered Flash Light A black highlighter pen Glow in the dark sunglasses Inflatable Anchor Smooth Sandpaper Waterproof sponge Waterproof Teabags AC adapter for Solar powered calculators Fireproof Matches Fireproof Cigarettes Battery powered Battery Charger Seatbelts for Motorbikes Hand powered Chainsaw Inflatable Dartboard Silent Alarm Clock A Pedal powered wheelchair Braille Drivers Manual Double sided playing cards Ejector seats for Helicopters
Gas Prices vs ?
People have been complaining about the rising price of gasoline recently, but I have always thought that gas was a good value (especially if you were to take the $0.30, $0.40 per gallon tax off at the pump)! Obviously others need a little convincing. So the article in this week's "Autoweek" magazine brought it all to light. What if you were to buy a gallon of . . . - Diet Snapple 16 oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon - Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon - Gatorade 20 oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon - Ocean Spray 16 oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon - Quart of Milk 16 oz for $1.59 = $6.32 per gallon - Evian (water) 9 oz for $1.49 = $21.19 per gallon - STP Brake Fluid 12 oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon - Vicks Nyquil 6 oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon - Pepto Bismol 4 oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon - Whiteout 7 oz for $1.39 = $254.17 per gallon - Scope 1.5 oz for $0.99 = $84.84 per gallon So next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on Nyquil or Scope or Whiteout!
Things To Think About Our Government
29 Members of Congress have been accused of spousal abuse. 7 Have been arrested for fraud. 19 Have been accused of writing bad checks. 117 Have bankrupted at least two businesses. 3 Have been arrested for assault. 71 Have credit reports so bad they can't qualify for a credit card. 14 Have been arrested on drug related charges. 8 Have been arrested for shoplifting, 21 Are current defendants in lawsuits. 84 Were stopped for drunk driving in 1998 alone, but released after they claimed Congressional immunity
You Know You're In California When...
The fastest part of your commute is down your driveway. You were born somewhere else. You know how to eat an artichoke. The primary bugs that you worry about are electronic. Your car has bulletproof windows. Left is right and right is wrong. Your monthly house payments exceed your annual income. Your mouse has only one ball. You need a new TV, you can run down to the local riot and pick one up. You dive under a desk whenever a large truck goes by. You can't find your other earring because your son is wearing it. You drive to your neighborhood block party. Your family tree contains 'significant others'. Your cat has it's own psychiatrist. You don't exterminate your roaches, you smoke them. You see 25 lawyers chasing an ambulance. More than clothes come out of the closets. When 'the Dead' are best live. You go to a tanning salon before going to the beach. Your blind date turns out to be your ex-spouse. More money is spent on facelifts than on diapers. Smoking in your office is not optional. When you can't schedule a meeting because you must 'do lunch'. Your children learn to walk in Birkenstocks. Rainstorms or thunder are the lead story for the local news. You'll reluctantly miss yoga class to wait for the hot tub repairman. You consult your horoscope before planning your day. A glass has been reserved for you at your favorite winery. When all highways into the state say: 'no fruits'. All highways out of the state say: 'Go back'. You pack shorts and a T-shirt for skiing in the snow, and a sweater and a wetsuit for the beach.
Helpful Tips To Make Life Simpler
Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know. Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb. Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally. No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off. Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected). If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed. Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Thinnest Books
The Book Of Virtues By Bill Clinton The Amish Phone Directory Mike Tyson's Guide To Dating Etiquette George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names French Hospitality Everything Women Know About Men Everything Men Know About Women Dr. Kevorkian's Collection Of Motivational Speeches Different Ways To Spell Bob Career Opportunities For Liberal Arts Majors America's Most Popular Lawyers Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific Ocean The Wild Years-By Al Gore Things I Would Not Do For Money-By Dennis Rodman Human Rights Advances In China To All The Men I've Loved Before-By Ellen Degeneres The Engineer's Guide To Fashion My Plan To Find The Real Killers-By O. J. Simpson How To Land A Plane At Martha's Vineyard - By Jfk, Jr
Signs Of The 2000's
Before you criticize someone walk a mile in their shoes. That way if they get angry they'll be a mile away -- and barefoot. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. A closed mouth gathers no feet. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. Eat well - stay fit - die anyway. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a mechanic. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. By the time you can make ends meet they move the ends. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
Things Adults Learn From Kids:
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4 If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room. Baseballs make marks on ceilings. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh" it's already too late. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day. If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep. Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old. Duplos will not. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. Super glue is forever. McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know. Ditto Tarzan. No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water. Pool filters do not like Jello. VCR's do not eject PB+J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving. You probably do not want to know what that odor is. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however make cats dizzy. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy. Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry. A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
Things you don't want to hear during surgery
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness." Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog! Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? Hand me that... uh... that uh... that thingy there. Oh no! Where's my Rolex. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived from 500 ml of this stuff before? There go the lights again? "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys? and this guy's got two of 'em." Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing off my concentration. What's this doing here? I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. That's cool. Now can you make his leg twitch by pressing that one?! Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. Sterile schmerile. The floor's clean, right? OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? Nurse, did this patient sign an organ donation card? Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. What do you mean "You want a divorce?!?" FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
You Are No Longer "Cool" When
You find yourself listening to talk radio. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears. The pattern on your shorts and couch match. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate. When jogging is something you do to your memory. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working. All the cars behind you flash their headlights. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes. You actually ASK for your father's advice. You don't know how to operate a fax machine. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.
Creative Ways To Say Someone Is Stupid
A few crumbs short of a crouton. A few clowns short of a circus. A few fries short of a Happy Meal. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity. A few beers short of a six-pack. A few peas short of a casserole. The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead. One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl. One taco short of a combination plate. A few feathers short of a whole duck All foam, no beer. Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instruc- tions on the heel. He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools. As smart as bait. Chimney's clogged. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash. Elevator doesn't go all th eway to the top floor. Forgot to pay her brain bill. Her sewing machine's out of thread. If she had another brain, it would be lonely. Missing a few buttons on his remote control. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Has the intelligence of a Carrot.
Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer
Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write EVERY WORD down. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?" Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!" After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you could not just give your credit card number to a complete stranger. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?" Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems, my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."
Doesn't It Annoy You When...
...there's a car alarm nearby that goes on for hours and the owner is nowhere to be found? ...you buy an answering machine so you won't miss any calls, and then everyone hangs up when they hear the machine answer? ...there's a cop car in sight and everyone thinks they have to drive 10-15 mph slower than the speed limit? ...you're reading a magazine and all those annoying little subscription cards keep falling out? ...you tell someone that a door is locked and they try to open it anyway, like it'll magically open for them and not you. ...someone says, "well, to make a long story short" and then they go on telling it for another 15 minutes. ...a friend or family member says "Yuck! This is awful!!" and then tells you to try some. ...you have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just looking around. ...you rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out. ...a waiter or waitress is not around at any time other than right after you put food in your mouth. ...your tire gauge lets half the air in your tire when all you want is a pressure reading. ...there's a dog in your neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. ...the power goes out, and you discover every flashlight you have has dead batteries. ...someone gets in the express lane at the supermarket and writes a check or uses a credit card. ...the elevator stops at every floor and nobody gets on. ...you almost ALWAYS back up your computer files but the week you don't, your hard drive crashes and you lose everything
Signs You Hired The Wrong Kid To Mow Your Lawn
He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of thirteen cats. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks. No toes.
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