Miscellaneous
A hot meal
Two starving homeless men are walking down an empty street in a quiet town.they spy a dead horse on the side of the road and run towards it. the firstman begins to eat the horse, but the second man refuses, saying only that hewill wait. after the first man has eaten his fill they continue on down theroad. eventually the first man gets sick from the horse meat and throws itup. the second man pulls out a napkin from his pocket and exclaims as hesits down: "now THIS is what i've been waiting for! a hot meal!"
The approach of winter
Dec. 8 5:00 p.m. - It's starting to snow, the first of the season, and the wife and I took our buttered rum and sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was so beautiful. Dec. 9 - We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantel. I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and I loved it. I did both our driveway and our sidewalks. Later the snowplow came along and covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. He smiled and I waved back. I shoveled it again. Dec. 12 - The sun has melted most of our lovely snow. Oh well, I'm sure we'll get a little more before this lovely winter is over. Dec. 14 - It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature dropped to about 0 degrees. Shoveled the sidewalk and driveway again. Shortly the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Dec. 15 - Sold our car and bought a 4x4 Blazer so we could get through the snow. Bought snow tires for the truck. Dec. 18 - Fell on my Ass on the ice in the driveway. $23.00 to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken, thank God! The damn sky is getting dark again. Dec. 19 - Still cold (-10 this a.m.) Icy roads making for very tough driving. Slid into a guard rail with my wife's car. Probably a $100.00 damage or so. She's pissed-off. Dec. 20 - Had another 14 inches of the white shit last night. More shoveling in store for me today. That damned snowplow came by twice. Dec. 22 - We are assured of a white Christmas because another 7 inches of that white shit fell today and with this freezing weather it won't melt till August! Got all dressed up to go out and shovel that shit again. (Boots, snowsuit, jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc...) then got the urge to pee. Dec 24 - If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then comes down the street 100 miles an hour and throws that white shit everywhere. Dec. 25 - MERRY CHRISTMAS... they predict 12 more inches of the fucking white stuff tonight. Does anyone know how many damned shovels full of snow 12 inches is? To hell with Santa, he doesn't have to shovel that white shit. The snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I hit him with my ice axe. Dec. 28 - We got 11 more inches. I must be going snowblind or have a severe case of depression. Dec. 29 - The toilet froze and the roof is starting to cave-in. If you go outside, don't eat the brown snow. Dec. 30 - I torched the damned house ... moving back to Florida!
I wrote it!
There was this guy walking down the road when he noticed a night clubahead. He went in, went up to the bar and asked for a drink. The bar owner,who was tending bar, said, "I've never seen you in her before."The guy says, "Yes, I'm not from around here. I'm just passing through on myway to find a job."The owner asks, "What do you do?"The guy says, "I write music and play the piano."The owner, looking excited says, "REALLY! I have an ad in the paper lookingforsomeone to play my piano. Please sit down at the keyboard and play for meif you're interested."The guy does and as he plays the piano the owner is in awe of his talentand musical abilities. The owner says, "You play the piano more beautifullythan anyone I have ever heard! What is the name of that song?"The guy says, "I wrote that song and the name is Two Lesbians Fucking TheirBrains Out."The owner gasps and is taken back. He says, "My gosh, that's a terrible namefor such a beautiful song. Do you know any others?"The guy smiles and plays again. Once more the owner is astounded by thisguy's talent and musical abilities. He's almost afraid to ask but he doesask what the name of the song he just played.The guy answers, "I Fucked Her All Night Until She Couldn't Take Anymore."The owner again was shocked. The owner says, "Ok, you play beautifully andthe songs you have written are incrediable. I will hire you, but you haveto promise not to tell the name of your songs to the patrons." The guyagrees.That night the guy was playing the piano and the crowd was just as amazedas the owner was with this man's musical abilities. After playing twosongs the crowd stood up and applauded. The guy was really pleased andstood up to take a bow. When he stood up and faced the audience, it wasapparent that his zipper was open and his dick and balls were hanging out.One of the patrons close to the piano says, "Sir, do you know your dick andballs are hanging out?"The guy smiles and says, "KNOW IT, I WROTE IT!"
ne day, this man, Tony, died...
One day, this man, Tony, died. When he was sent to be judged, he was told that he had committed a sin, and that he could not go to heaven right away. He asked what he did and God told him that he cheated on his income taxes, and that the only way he could get into heaven would be to sleep with a 500 pound, stupid, butt-ugly woman for the next five years and enjoy it. Tony decided that this was a small price to pay for an eternity in heaven. So off he went with this enormous woman, pretending to be happy.As he was walking along, he saw his friend Carlos up ahead. Carlos was with an even bigger, uglier woman than he was with. When he approached Carlos he asked him what was going on, and Carlos replied, "I cheated on my income taxes and scammed the government out of a lot of money...even more then you did." They both shook their heads in understanding and figured that as long as they have to be with these women, they might as well hang out together to help pass the time.Now Tony, Carlos, and their two beastly women were walking along, minding their own business when Tony and Carlos could have sworn that they saw their friend Jon up ahead, only this man was with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous supermodel / centerfold. Stunned, Tony and Carlos approached the man and in fact it was their friend Jon. They asked him how is he with this unbelievable goddess, while they were stuck with these god-awful women.Jon replied, "I have no idea, and I'm definitely not complaining. This has been absolutely the best time of my life (and I'm dead,) and I have five years of the best sex any man could hope for to look forward to. There is only one thing that I can't seem to understand. After everytime we have sex, she rolls over and murmur's to herself, "Damn income taxes!"
Having the equipment
A couple went on vacation to a resort up north. The husband liked to fish, and the wife liked to read. One morning the husband came back from fishing after getting up real early that morning and took a nap.While he slept, the wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake, so she rowed out and anchored the boat, and started reading her book.Along comes the Game Warden in his boat, pulls up alongside the woman's boat and asks her what she's doing? She says, "Reading my book."The Game Warden tells her she is in a restricted fishing area and she explains that she's not fishing. To which he replied, "But you have all this equipment. I will have to take you in and write you up!"Angry that the warden was being so unreasonable, the lady told the warden, "If you do that, I will charge you with rape."The warden, shocked by her statement, replied, "But I didn't even touch you."To which the lady replied, "Yes; but you have all the equipment!"
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot...
Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot,were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselvesstanding before the pearly gates of Heaven, where StPeter and the Devil were standing nearby."Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact thatHeaven is now overcrowded, therefore St Peter has agreed tolimit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone ofyou can ask me a question which I don't know or cannotanswer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not,then you'll come with me to Hell."The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the mostcomprehensive report on Socrates' teachings," With a snapof his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct."Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, thephilsopher disappeared.The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicatedformula you can ever think of!" With a snap of his finger,another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. Themathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it wascorrect. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of hisfinger, the mathematician disappeared, too.The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me achair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holeson the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then saton the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, heasked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?"The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole fromthe right.""Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." Andthe idiot went to Heaven.
A photographer from a well known national magazine...
A photographer from a well known national magazine was assigned tocover the fires at Yellowstone National Park.When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was sothick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for himto photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission torent a plane and take photos from the air.He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate.He jumped in with his bag and shouted, "Let's go!'' The pilot swungthe little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in theair. The photographer said, "Fly over the park and make two or three lowpasses so I can take some pictures.""Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I am a photographer," he responded,"and photographers take photographs."The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, "You meanyou're not the flight instructor?"
Shoe shopping
A man walks into a shoe store... ...and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well ... they feel a bit tight." replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and themans feet. "Try pulling the tongue out." offers the clerk. Nath theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." He says.
Tombstone Epitaph I
Tombstone epitaphOn the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:Here liesEzekial AikleAge 102The Good Die Young.
Tombstone epitaph II
Tombstone EpitaphIn a London, England cemetery:Ann MannHere lies Ann Mann,Who lived an old maidBut died an old Mann.Dec. 8, 1767
Tombstone Epitaph IV
Tombstone Epitaph:Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:Here liesJohnny YeastPardon meFor not rising
Tombstone Epitaph V
Tombstone Epitaph in Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:Here lies the bodyof Jonathan BlakeStepped on the gasInstead of the brake.
Tombstone Epitaph VI
A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes whodied January 3, 1803. His comely young widow, aged23, has many qualifications of a good wife, andyearns to be comforted.
Tombstone Epitaph VII
Tombstone Epitaph Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:I was somebody.Who, is no business of yours.
Tombstone Epitaph VIII
Tombstone Epitaph In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:Here lies an AtheistAll dressed upAnd no place to go.
Tombstone Epitaph IX
Tombstone Epitaph:Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:Born 1903--Died 1942Looked up the elevator shaft to see ifthe car was on the way down. It was.
Tombstone Epitaph X
The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumertip:Who was fatally burnedMarch 21, 1870by the explosion of a lampfilled with "R.E. Danforth'sNon-Explosive Burning Fluid"
Tombstone Epitaph XV
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:On the 22nd of June- Jonathan Fiddle -Went out of tune.
This day holds a lot of meaning for me...
This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years agothat I lost my dear wife and children.I'll never forget that game of cards...
What is the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?
What is the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?A: Prince Charles' (ex)wife was killed by a white man in a black car.
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