Men
A degree at Life University
A new two year degree is being offered at LIFE UNIVERSITY that many of you should be interested in: BECOMING A REAL MAN. That's right, in just six quarters you, too, can be a real man, as well as earn an AA degree (AA Real Men). Please take a moment to look over the program outline. FIRST YEAR: Autumn Schedule MEN 101 Combating Stupidity MEN 102 You Too Can Do Housework MEN 103 PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas Winter Schedule MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111 Understanding The Female Response to Getting In At 4 a.m. MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception EAT 100 Get A Life, Learn To Cook ECON 001A What's Hers Is Hers Spring Schedule MEN 120 How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You're Wrong MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122 YOU, The Weaker Sex MEN 123 Reasons To Give Flowers ECON 001B What's Yours Is Half Hers (Must Pass ECON 001A) SECOND YEAR: Autumn Schedule SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep Without It SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower MEN 201 How To Stay Awake After Sex MEN 202 How To Put The Toilet Seat Down ELECTIVE (See Electives Below) Winter Schedule MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211 How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be A Designated Driver MEN 213 Honest - You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise - Especially Naked MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1 Spring Schedule MEN 220 Omitting @&*%$#* From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221 Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary MEN 222 Real Men Ask For Directions MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging Is NOT Considered Foreplay MEN 230B Her Birthdays And Anniversaries Are Important 2 Course Electives EAT 101 Cooking With Quiche EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103 Burping And Belching Discreetly MEN 231 Mother-in-Law MEN 232 Appear To Be Listening MEN 233 Just Say, Yes Dear ECON 001C Cheaper To Keep Her (Must Pass ECON 001B)
SCHEDULE OF A MAN
A MAN'S SCHEDULE 1. Get up. 2. Pass gas. 3. Drink cup of black coffee. 4. Pass gas. 5. Dress, skipping shower because "alarm didn't work". 6. Pass gas. 7. Log on to computer to check porn site before leaving for work. Pass gas while "enjoying" favorite site. 6. Drive to work. Pass gas at stop light. Open window to air out car. 7. Get to work at MacDonalds. Pass gas in bathroom (for all patrons to enjoy). Forget to wash hands. 8. Lunch. Double cheesy cheeseburger and supersized fries. Pass gas. 9. Arrive home. Pass gas. Have a beer. Pass gas. 10. Tell wife you want sex. Belch. Finish early, belch and fall asleep. 11. Get up at 3 A.M. waking wife but instead of finishing her off, return to computer to talk in the chat rooms - imagining what a stud you are, chatting with all those "gorgeous women" online. Pass gas.
CHECK THE BUFFETT!
In a Texas bar,The bartender Fred was fed up with penis boasting from theregulars.So to put an end to all the boasting Fred says to them "whip 'emout".Fred pulls a yard stick from under the bar,at the same time a gay guywalks into the bar.Fred ask the man if there is something that he can get forhim.The gay guy replies "i was going to get a beer,but i'll check your buffettfirst"
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts...
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big breasts...In high school, I dated a girl with big breasts, but there was no passion.. So I decided I needed a passionate girl.. In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time. So I decided I needed a girl with some stability.. I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She never got excited about anything. So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.. I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She wasdirectionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.. After college, I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious, she divorced me and took everything I owned.. Now all I want is a girl with big breasts..
Ideal Drinking Age
AGE DRINK 17 beer 25 beer 35 vodka 48 double vodka 66 Maalox
Ideal Seduction Line
Age Line17 My parents are away for the weekend.25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.48 My wife is away for the weekend.66 My second wife is dead.
The Ideal Date
IDEAL DATEAt 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place" 35 "Just come over." 48 "Just come over and cook." 66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
Did you hear the one about the guy who had five penises?
Did you hear the one about the guy who had five penises ?He had a pair of underpants that fitted him like a glove.....
Two buddies get together and decide to...
Two buddies get together and decide togo to a whorehouse, one of them tired ofdoing it with his wife all the time, theother not having it done for a long time. Anyways the married one goes up andcomes down and says " My wife is muchbetter". "Allright" goes the other guy," Let me go try the same woman."Well he goes and screws the whore,comes than says to his buddy, " You areright man, Your wife is much better."
You may have heard that a New Zealand man had a hand transplant...
You may have heard that a New Zealand man had a hand transplant. Guess what? His penis rejected it!
How do you get a man to do situps?
How do you get a man to do situps?Glue the TV remote between his ankles...
What kind of clothes are there?
What kind of clothes are there?women: clean & dirtyMen: Clean,almost clean,sorta clean,not bad,dirty,really dirty,nasty ,biohazzard.(Men will voluntarily wear all but the last classification ofthese clothes).
How is being at the singles bar different from being at the circus?
How is being at the singles bar different from being at the circus?At the circus the clowns don't talk...
What do men have in common with toilet bowls, aniversaries, and clitorises?
What do men have in common with toilet bowls, aniversaries, andclitorises?They miss them all.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?breasts don't have eyes
WHY IS AN IMPOTENT MAN LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE?
WHY IS AN IMPOTENT MAN LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE?-THEY BOTH HAVE BALLS FOR DECORATION
How do men exercise at the beach?
How do men exercise at the beach? By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
Did I tell you I had this woman pounding on my door all night last night?
Did I tell you I had this woman pounding on my door all night last night?Yeah, I finally let her out!
On the beach, how can you recognize a guy who uses an inflatable doll?
On the beach, how can you recognize a guy who uses aninflatable sex doll?Instead of staring at the bikinis, he's staring at the beach balls.
A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks...
A man walks into a bar and orders two drinks. As thebartender watches he drinks one drink and pours the otherone on his hand. He orders two more drinks and does thesame thing. The third time the bartender asks him what'sgoing on. "Why are you pouring that drink on your hand"? Theman smiles at him, winks and says "I'm trying to get my datedrunk."
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