Medicine
My heart set...
A certain old gentleman thought his eyesight was going bad, and hewas advised to go to see an eye doctor. He goes in to see the doctor,and the doctor said, "All right, let's check you out. You sit down hereon this stool. You put your right hand over your right eye and readthat chart on the wall over there." He puts his left hand over his left eye. The doctor says, "No, no,no. Put your right hand over your right eye." This old person puts both hands over both eyes. The doctor is nowgetting upset. The patient continues to screw up, and the doctorreally gets mad and says, "All right, I'll fix you!" He gets a paperbag out of the closet, puts one hole in it, puts it over his head, andsays, "Now, read that chart!" The guy read it perfect! The doctor takes the bag off, and this old person starts cryinglike a baby. The doctor says, "Now, what the hell is wrong with you?" "Well, when I first came in here, I had my heart set on wire frames!"
Some problems
A woman gives birth by a Caesarian and passes out. When she comes to her senses, the doctor approaches her bed and says:"I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems." "What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless." "Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs." "Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless." "And it hasn't got any arms either." "What?" "Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear." The woman is in anguish, but she still tells the doctor to bring her her son."Sonny, dear, it's me your mother! Do you hear me!?""There is no need to scream," says the doctor "it's deaf."
Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother?
Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother?Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken?Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.
A memory problem
Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?Patient: What problem?
Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices...
Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearable hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy. "I don't understand," he marveled, "how you can listen to drooling patients from morning till night on a day like this and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over."The older analyst said simply, "Who listens?"
Five penises
A man goes into a doctor's office and says "Doctor! Doctor! I have fivepenises!"The doctor says,"Good lord! How do your pants fit?"The man replies, "Like a glove."
A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa...
A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. "Oh, it was very disappointing,"he said. "I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying here in the hospital."
One doc operated on a person for a hernia...
One doc operated on a person for a hernia. He opened his testis and took the balls out and kept it on the table. At the end of the operation he wanted to put his balls back into the pouch of testis. He searched operation theatre but could not find the balls of the patient. Lastly he told nurse to get two small onions from his lunch box as he cannot keep his testis pouch empty.After that operation he met the same patient in a garden for morning walk.Being a good doc, he asked his patient how he is feeling now.He said "Doc everything is fine, life is very cool except that whenever Iscratch my balls, my eyes start watering."
Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done...
Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week." "I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor. "Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night." "No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?""Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant...
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain.""I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks."Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...""Like this?""A little more...""Like this?""No. A little more...""Like this?""Yes. Does that hurt?""A little bit.""Now stretch it over your head!"
A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall...
A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves. This happens a second time. The third time this happens, she says "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?"The man replied, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!"
This woman goes into a dentist's office...
This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says with anticipated agony, "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies: "Well make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair."
Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?
Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy,a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.
Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor...
Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear. The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms. The third nurse fainted.
A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad...
A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says "I have some bad news. You have HAGS." "What is HAGS" the man asks. "It's herpes, AIDS,gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor. "Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do?""We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza." "Is that going to help me" says the man. "No" says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"
A mute was walking down the street one day...
A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend ofhis, also a mute. In sign language, he inquired how his friend had beendoing. The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now."Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to aspecialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatmentprogram that had restored the use of his vocal chords.Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. Theygot an appointment that very afternoon.After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanentdamage. The mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy,and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well."Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!""Very well," replied the specialist."Kindly go into the next room, dropyour pants and lean over the examining table. I'll be right in."The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaked in carrying abroomstick, mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he'sent it home' with a deft swipe of the mallet.The mute jumped from the table, screaming, "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaa!!!""VERY good," smiled the doctor. "Next Tuesday, we work on 'B'."
A young lady walks into a doctors office...
A young lady walks into a doctors office. "Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge" The Doctor lays her down lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and says "how does that feel?" Young lady, "Oooh doctor that feels lovely..... ...but the discharge is from my ear!!"
The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant...
The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week." The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple. "Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!" "Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"
A woman visits her physician...
A woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it's finally her turn. She enters the doctors' office and sits down. The PhD asks her: "Well, what can I do for you madam?".The patient blushes and the PhD sees that apparently she is embarrassed so he says: "You can discuss any matter with me, everything is strictly confidential."So the patient says: "My husband complains that my pussy smells bad, is there a cure for this?""Sure", the doctor says, "It can be a fungus, or a little infection, nothing unusual, please undress and lay down, so I can examine you andprescribe a treatment."The woman undresses, gets up the bed and with her legs spread waits until the doctor attends her. He comes in, walks towards here, starts gasping for air, covers his mouth and nose with a hand and runs out of the office. After a minute or so, he enters again, covering his mouth and nose with one hand an a 7 feet wooden stick with an iron hook on it in the other hand."Aaaaaaaaaaaaagh, what will you do to me?" shouts the patient."Nothing", says the doctor, "I'm just going to open the roof window a little."
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
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