Medicine
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says...
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated."The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table."The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do?"The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags."
The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic...
The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand.""And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the medic said."Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your Lamborghini."
After years with a psychiatrist, a man who thought...
After years with a psychiatrist, a man who thought he was a dog was declared cured. A friend asked him how he felt now. The former patient replied, "Fine! Just feel my nose."
Serious desease
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was ittrue, the woman wanted to know, that the medication thedoctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life?She was told that it was.There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"
Sobel goes into the optometrist's office...
Sobel goes into the optometrist's office.He opens the door and says to the receptionist, "I think I need my eyeschecked."She says, "You're not kidding. This is the Ladies Room."
Name something a duck can do, that a doctor won't...
Name something a duck can do, that a doctor won't.Stick his bill up his ass.
A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist...
A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist.She walked into his office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely.I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me.Can you help me accept my ugliness?""I'm sure I can," the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."
A man walks into a doctor's office with a...
A man walks into a doctor's office with a frog stuck to his head.Doctor: How did this happen?Frog: It started with a bump on my ass.
What's a definition of a gynecologist?
What's a definition of a gynecologist?Gynecologist is a person who looks for problems in a place where mostpeople find pleasure
A girl goes to the doctor...
A girl goes to the doctor. She says, "Doc, I'm freakin' out...I'm freakin' out...my pee's coming out in four streams."He says, "Get up on the table and I'll see what I can do."She gets up on the table, and as he's examining her, he starts to giggle.She says, "It's not funny. My pee's coming out in four streams."He says, "It won't anymore. I took the trouser button out of there."
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and...
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?The taste.
Why are they having such a hard time finding a cure for AIDS?
Here's a pretty nasty one:Why are they having such a hard time finding a cure for AIDS?The scientists can't get the mice to butt fuck.
This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a...
This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his face. "Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again.""What dream?" asked the shrink, not really paying attention."You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead horse?"
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man...
A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were noill effects, so he forgot about it.Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."
A woman came to the psychiatrist worried...
A woman came to the psychiatrist worried. "Doctor," she said, "I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?""Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the carpet off the floor."
A midget walks into the doctors and says...
A midget walks into the doctors and says, "Doc, I've got these fuckingitchy balls and I can't do anything to stop 'em itching".The Doc says, "I can see the problem and I'll fix it for ya"So the Doc pulls out a pair of scissors and tells the Midget to close his eyes. The midget hears snip, snip snip noises for about 5 minutes.The doc finishes and says, "How's that?"The midget says, "Fucking brilliant, what did you do?"The Doc says, "I trimmed back your high boots"
There was this man in a mental hospital...
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear tothe wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day afterday. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to,so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"
HEGS
The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S"What's that?", the patient asks."It's a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis."The patient wants to know if there's a cure, to which the Doctor responds,"We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing butpancackes.""Why only pancackes?", asks the patient.The Doctor answers, "They're the only thing that will fit under the door."
Psychoanalysis
One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house. Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying.Her friend begged her to share what was wrong."Oh, it's just terrible," she wailed. "Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!"
Benefits of having Alzheimer's
Benefits of having Alzheimer's: You can wrap your own presents. You are always meeting new friends.
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