Medicine
What is the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...
What is red and sticky and crawls up a girls thigh?
What is red and sticky and crawls up a girls thigh?A home-sick abortion.
The medical student was asked four reasons...
The medical student was asked four reasons why mother'smilk was better for babies than cow's milk. This is the answer he submitted: 1. It's fresher. 2. It's cleaner. 3. The cats can't get to it. 4. It's easier to take on a picnic. He also added: "It comes in such cute containers."
A dyslexic nurse
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one daycomplaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incrediblydumb. She does everything absolutely backwards."said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her togive a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.He nearly died on us!" The second doctor said,"That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her togive a patient an enema every 24 hours. She triedto give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearlyexploded!"Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream fromdown the hall. "Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prickMr. Smith's boil!"
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center...
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.Man: "What are you doing here today?"Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to giveme $5 for it."Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself.But they pay me $25."The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted somemore before going their separate ways.Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in thedonation center.Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
There was a costume party at a mental hospital...
There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of the party was "war". The first person comes up onto the stage and says, "I'm an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydrogen bomb." Again, there's applause and he steps down.And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite." Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse was?"
A large difference
A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said,"Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The badnews is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The goodnews is our hospital has just been certified to do braintransplants and there has been an accident right out frontand a young couple was killed and you can have whicheverbrain you'd like. The man's brain costs $100,000.00 and thewoman's brain costs "30,000.00." The patient could not help but ask, "Why such a largedifference between the male and the female brain?" The doctor replied, "The female brain is used."
What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? The taste.
What do you do when an epilectic takes a bath?
What do you do when an epilectic takes a bath? Throw in your laundry.
A little change
The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said:"Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insultyou by offering payment. But I would like for you to know thatI had mentioned you in my will.""That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, andthen added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'dlike to make a little change..."
A rather senile old lady went to her doctor...
A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining ofdraining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After theexamination, the doctor initiated a conversation that wentas follows:D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.L: ?eh?D: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!L: ??EH??D: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! -- A SUPPOSITORY!!!L: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid....
Freudian Slip
Woman walks into her psychiatrists office and says:"Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about freudianslips? Well, I had the most amazing one last night. I was eating dinner with my mother, and I meant to say,"please pass the salt," but instead I said,"You god damn bitch, you ruined my life."
Whats blue and does not fit any more?
Whats blue and doesn't fit any more? - A dead epileptic.
A man goes to a psychiatrist...
A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatristsuggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the firstpicture and asks the man what he sees."A man and a woman making love in a park," the man replies.The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man whathe sees."A man and a woman making love in a boat."He holds up the third picture."A man and a woman making love at the beach."This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says hesees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes andsays, "It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex."And the man replies, "Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures."
Life is precious
So the doctor tells the patient he's got only six months to live.But the patient doesn't pay his bill on time, so the doctor giveshim another six months.
...clamp...
"...clamp...sponge...scalpel...oops..."
A definition of psychiatrist
A Psychiatrist is just a Jewish doctor who can't stand the sight of blood.
A doctor fell into a well once...
A doctor fell into a well once.He learned to tend to the sick and leave the well alone.
There was the surgeon who was arrested for drunken driving...
There was the surgeon who was arrested for drunkendriving. They let him go, though. He was already an hourlate for an operation.
I said to the doctor "I have this ringing in my ears...
I said to the doctor "I have this ringing in my ears."He said, "Don't answer it!"
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