Medicine
A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor...
A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years.They had the following conversation: Dr.: Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water.Woman: Ok. Dr: Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.Woman: Ok. Dr.: Take the yellow pill after dinner with three glasses of water.After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong with me Dr.?Dr.: Yeah. You do not drink enough water.
A man went to the doctor for a check up...
A man went to the doctor for a check up. "How do you feel?" asked the doctor. "Fine." he replied. After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, "How many times do you have sex per month?" "About two orthree." the man replied. "You should be doing better than that." the doctor offered. "Take these pills and come back in a month." The man did and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, "How many times did you have sex last month?" "About two or three times." the man answered again. "I can't understand it," the doctor continued, "you should be doing much better than that." "I don't know," replied the man, "that's not bad for having no car and a small parish."
Don't you just hate it when...
Don't you just hate it when you go to the doctor, and you'resitting on the examination table telling him about yoursymptoms, and with each new one you describe, he backs alittle further away?
Most dentists chairs go up and down...
Most dentists chairs go up and down, don't they?The one I was in went back and forwards.I thought, "This is unusual."The dentist said to me, "Mr. Owens, get out of the filing cabinet."
After years of psychotherapy...
After years of psychotherapy, John no longer believeshe is a grain of wheat. However, one day he and afriend came across a chicken, and John was terrified."Why are you so afraid, you're not a grainof wheat after all," his friend asked.John replied, "You know it and I know it,but the chicken doesn't know it."Sent by Marc
Perfectly normal
"I'm in love with my horse," the nervous man told his psychiatrist. "Nothing to worry about," the psychiatrist consoled. "Many peopleare fond of animals.As a matter of fact, my wife and I have a dog that we are veryattached to.""But, doctor," continued the troubled patient, "I feel, ummm... *physically* attracted to my horse.""Hmmm," the doctor asked, "Is it male or female?" "Female, of course!" the man replied."What do you think I am...GAY???"
A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist...
A profoundly ugly girl went to the psychiatrist."My life is a mess, doctor," she began, "I am sofucking hideous that no one will associate withme, touch me, or even talk to me. Can you help?" "Why, certainly! Helping people feel much betterabout themselves is my area of expertise. I canstart making you feel more confident about yourappearance right here and now." "Oh, I am so grateful! What should I do first?"she asked. "First things first. Just walk over to the otherside of the room and lie face down on my couch."
At a dentist's
Dentist: "Would you help me out? I'd like you togive a few of your loudest screams." Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time." Dentist: "Well, there are about 20 people in thewaiting room right now, and I don't want to missthe five o'clock Braves game on Channel 4."
The doctor took Bill into the room and said...
The doctor took Bill into the room and said,"Bill, I have some good news and some bad news." Bill said, "Give me the good news." "They're going to name a disease after you."
MY TWO DELICATE OPERATIONS
Humor story by Larry GravesWebsite: http://www.gravetimes.com/ MY TWO "DELICATE" OPERATIONSA few years ago, I had two operations in the space of a couple of months. These were not major operations. Although for most men, I believe they would prefer triple heart bypass surgery instead... No man alive has ever looked forward to either of these operations. In fact, I can guarantee you the following statements have never been said by any man in existence: #1 "Oh good, today is my vasectomy!" #2 "Oh good, I'm finally getting the circumcision I've always wanted!"Yes, dear readers, 1990 was not a good year for a member of the family. My member, my private part, my willy, my manhood, my good luck charm I carry wherever I go.First I will tell you about the vasectomy. (I hope you have strong stomachs.) Men who know I've had this delicate operation always ask me how bad it is. I tell them the truth. Except for the unbearable pain and embarrassment, it's not bad at all. The embarrassment of laying on the operating table as the doctor strolls in, so cocksure. (Pun very much intended...) Let's just say,it was very uncomfortable when the doctor lifted up the blanket to look at his next job. Very perturbed, he stated "Mr. Graves, in order to have a vasectomy, you have to have a penis." I assured the doctor that it was there. I pointed to the very spot it was located. The doctor sighed heavily and murmured "I can't see dick all!" As the doctor tried to control his anger, he asked his nurse to bring in a microscope. After searching for a few minutes, he located what he believed to be my manhood (okay, boyhood...) I could be imagining things but I swear I heard some discussion about contacting the Guinness Book of World Records. The operation honestly wasn't too bad. It was actually the constantlaughter during the operation which caused me the most pain. When the vasectomy was completed, I was thrown a couple of pain killers and told I could go home. Very gingerly I walked out of the hospital. My legs spread apart as far as possible as I shuffled towards the parking lot. Needless to say, everyone who saw me knew what operation I had just had. As people gawked and pointed at me, I felt like a real dick. The circumcision was basically the same, except I was knocked out for the operation. When I awoke from the operation, I felt like I was being woken up from the dead. I looked down at "it" and noticed it was in some kind of cast. I started to have visions of girls wanting to sign my cast. Silly dreamer I am... Being the comedian I am, I asked the nurse if they had enlarged it for me. She stared at me in shock and said "I don't think so." Another dream shattered...sent by Larry Graves
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady...
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an ugly old lady,entered the doctor's office."We have come for an examination," said the young girl."Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain andtake your clothes off.""No, not me," said the girl. "it's my old aunt here.""Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."Sent by Stan
A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed...
A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died.""But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend. "Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you."
Saving one of them
Doctor: We operated on your eyes and we've managed to save one of them.Patient: Oh, thank you very much.Doctor: Yes, we'll give it to you on your way out.
Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
Q: Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
A serious condition
A well respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just afterarriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phonerang. The doctor calmly answered it and heard the familiar voice of acolleague on the other end of the line."We need a fourth for poker," said the friend."I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?""Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely."In fact, three doctors are there already!"
Pneumonia
A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserablecold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hotbath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all thewindows and stand in the draft."But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia.""I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."
The patient came into the doctor's office...
The patient came into the doctor's office, suffering from amnesia.The doctor asked, "Have you ever had it before?"
How do dentists become brain surgeons?
How do dentists become brain surgeons?When their drills slip.
A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up...
A man is in a hospital bed completly wrapped up in a body cast.One of the nurses gave him a rectal thermometer and said,"Don't move -- I'll be right back."When she returned the thermometer was in his mouth. She asked in amazement, "How did you get that in your mouth, you can't even move?""I hiccupped."
What's the definition of bravery?
What's the definition of bravery?A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!
<< Prev 0 1 2 3 4 5 6 Next >>